Nightmare 15YO DD

[Whattodon0w]

Brief past - I divorce dh 5 years ago and have a new dp. Dh has been a constant nightmare and constantly causing problems. Our marriage ended due to dv. I had verbal/physical abuse.
Dd is a daddy’s girl and he always took her side when I was disciplining the children to the point where I was rarely able to even raise my voice. He even once reported me to SS which went nowhere.
I feel he is now using dd to continue to abuse me. A couple of weeks ago he told her a whole lot of lies and made her v upset. She came home angry with me and has been hard work since.
Tonight has been the worst. I asked her to tidy her room, I cannot see the carpet for mess there’s stuff all over the place. She started shouting in my face and pushed me. I pushed her back and she hit me. For the next hour we were constantly arguing. I was tell g her to go to bed and she was constantly at me hitting me. She ended up leaving the house and walking to her dads. She got there but turned back and came home. I have t spoke to her as she was asking trying to argue. My late tee told her to go to bed.
I feel so powerless. She threatens to go to his house all the time. I know if I just let her I won’t want her back as she will be worse when she comes home if she comes home that is.
Exdh is constantly messing with her head telling her things and making it difficult. I can not remove her phone/tv I can’t ground her. There are no consequences. I am seriously considering chucking her things in a bag and dropping it at exdh tomorrow.

Whatever you do, don't send her back to her abusive father. He abused you and now he is abusing her. It's not the same kind of abuse, but abuse it is. She sounds very scared and confused. How much does she know about the abuse you suffered?

I think you need outside help here. Contact her school, doctor and social services. Ask everyone possible for help and take as much of what is offered as you can. Women's Aid as suggested above may be able to help, or certainly to point you in the right direction. I'm really sorry that you are going through this, but I'm sure that with support you can both come through it stronger and closer. Good luck.

So update on situation.
She went to school yesterday and didn’t come home. Wouldn’t tell me where she was. She was due to go to her dads at 6pm and it turned out she was there. She’s ignored all my messages.
I’m so hurt. She saw what her dad did to me over the years. She has seen what his behaviour has been like since we split up, constantly lying etc. To her and her brother and also to new partners that he has had. He has told her lies about me and she is believing him. She said it’s all my fault that her dad and I aren’t together. I’m so tired of all this arguing. I’ve lost her to her dad and the way she treated me on Thursday is so hurtful. I want to go to bed and cry. I’ve lost my daughter.

OP there is a parenting program called NVR or non-violent resistance that I think you might find helpful. The key points are strike whilst the iron is cold (leave the argument and come back later to calmly discuss your point) and taking a stance that the behaviour will no long be tolerated; aligning yourself with neighbors/school friends parents/family/police - every time she goes missing, every time she bullies you, you enlist the support of the community who come together and 1. Tell you where she is 2. Stage sit ins when she is being agressive.
This is common behaviour of a teen that is trying to gain some control over an unstable world. She knows your love is unconditional that's why she can push against it.
Social care will be able to support you to begin to put boundaries in place and improve you relationship/communicationwith her.
They won't take her away - there's nowhere to put her - unless you sign over parental responsibility, and then they will look to place her with a relative in the first instance.
Hope you get some help soon.

Another key NVR point is negotiation. For example, this behaviour is no longer going to be tolerated. I want you to come up with some reasonable ideas of how we can move past this point, how we are going to fix this. Obviously of she comes up with 'I won't go to school' that's an unreasonable negotiation, so it's not going to fly. Tell me what you want to change that is practical and reasonable.
Best of luck

OP, this is a horrible situation. I am sorry this is happening.

I would stop fighting with her. She knows that you are so scared of losing her that you will put up with anything and she is using that against you. The violence is very scary, especially given your history with her father and her knowledge of that.

I would let her go. Let her go to her father. Maybe I am wrong, but I do not believe her mind can be any more poisoned against you than it already has been. Write her a letter/text letting her know how much you love her and that you will always be there for her, but that if she wants to live with her father you are fine with it. If she chooses to come back, she has to follow your rules and treat you with the respect you deserve.

What does your DP say?