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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if ds is always going to hate being gay

43 replies

C00kiesandCr3am · 27/02/2020 21:10

Ds 16 is gay,hates himself and hates being gay.Partly/ mostly? due to bullying and homophobic language at school but this has apparently stopped now.

He has a supportive family, has had mentoring and counselling from an LBGT group and is under CAMHs.

Has come home utterly miserable again saying he hates his life and will never he happy because he’s gay. Kind of hoping it’s part of 16 year old general misery or a hurdle he’ll get over. Are the above feelings common and do they pass?

Not sure what I’m supposed to say other than things will get better( he doesn’t believe me).

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 27/02/2020 21:13

Does he need a label right now, could he just choose to be 'nothing'. Leave relationships for a few years.

Original poster
C00kiesandCr3am · 27/02/2020 21:16

Not sure if it works like that, he fancies boys. He’s gay end of. Not something you can park and not something I can dictate.Not in a relationship.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 27/02/2020 21:21

I really feel for you. And him! I think it might get easier as they get older?

And he's 16. Does any heterosexual 16 year old get told to 'leave relationships for a few years'?

It's bloody hard OP. For him and for you.

Glassio · 27/02/2020 21:25

well all I can say is as a gay adult, with maybe 30 other gay friends we all are very happy in our sexuality and wouldn't swap it if we could now. probably will just come with him leaving home, meeting lots more gay people, finding his tribe, having happy relationships etc

ScottishDiblet · 27/02/2020 21:25

Can you/ he google “it gets better” as I hope this would help him? I am so sorry he is struggling. It will get better for him.

jumpinjeepers · 27/02/2020 21:26

It does get better, it really really does. Keep supporting him, it’s not his sexuality that’s making him unhappy, it’s the homophobia And bullying and he’ll be free if that.
Help him accept who he is, at his age I didn’t want to be gay. I wanted to be ‘normal’ like everyone else, but I moved away from my home town, and to a city where I could be myself. I love being gay, I can’t imagine any other life now than the one I have with my wife and my kids and my circle of friends.
Tell him, it gets better. It’s not him, it’s them.

Sparklesocks · 27/02/2020 21:27

I think it does get easier, as you get older and get more comfy in your own skin, but also have more opportunities to meet similar people. Adolescence is difficult with hormones etc, adding struggling with your sexuality into the mix adds another level to that. ❤️

jumpinjeepers · 27/02/2020 21:28

And ignore anyone telling him to not ‘label’ himself, FFS, if he’s gay then he is. And he’s old enough to know who he’s sexually and emotionally attracted to.

Thehop · 27/02/2020 21:28

My brother hated being gay until he was about 25.

He married his partner of 20 years a few years ago and in his speech he recalled a conversation we had late one night after we’d been clubbing and he had told me if he had one wish it would be to make himself not gay. I told him I would use my single wish to put him straight back to how he is again.

It took a long time but he got try we’re and is very happy and successful now.

Putyourshoeson99 · 27/02/2020 21:33

itgetsbetter.org/

Has he seen this?

And people complain about LGBT relationships being taught in schools as part of PHSE. Maybe if we hadn’t had Section 28 for all those years kids like your DS wouldn’t have to suffer the way I did at his age 30 years ago.

topcat2014 · 27/02/2020 21:34

Not suggesting he might change his mind, of course,

AintNobodyHereButUsKittens · 27/02/2020 21:35

This is the itgetsbetter.org/stories/ It Gets Better project. Good luck.

Grumpos · 27/02/2020 21:36

Definitely look at the ‘it gets better’ campaign - really inspiring

Daftodil · 27/02/2020 21:38

It will get better. It's a big wide world our there and he will meet more people in his life that he shares common ground with than he will meet other people like his bullies.

Does he have any gay friends? Has he tried connecting with any Facebook groups for other gay teens?

16 is a difficult age because he is old enough to know his feelings, but too young to go out clubbing and make friends on the scene. Could you take him to some pride events? There's a list of UK events here: gayprideshop.co.uk/pages/uk-gay-pride-calendar-2020.

Not an ultimate fix, but might be a stepping stone towards seeing people happy and confident with their lives and maybe he could meet a few friendly faces who could take him under their wings.

GobletOfIre · 27/02/2020 21:40

My brother hated being gay. He’s now happily married to a man and extremely happy.

Putyourshoeson99 · 27/02/2020 21:41

I’d second him going to a local Pride event... somewhere he can see for himself the sheer diversity of the LGBT community. So that he can see that he can still be himself.

Pollaidh · 27/02/2020 21:44

I know so many gay people who had really difficult teenage years, but they all really blossomed in their twenties, either when they went to uni and found themselves in a more accepting environment, with plenty of LGBT friends, or when they left home. They're all pretty happy with their lives now.

Please tell him to hang on in there, it will get better. In the meantime see what LGBT youth clubs or sports clubs might be in your area. Start looking at university and looking at those with strong LGBT communities, then he can start to see the way out.

sqirrelfriends · 27/02/2020 21:48

I really feel for you both, it's hard enough being a teenager without bullying and nastyness.

I agree with previous posters about him taking part in an LGBT community event. It's a wonderful feeling to be part of something and he will be able to see that he isn't so different after all.

SarahAndQuack · 27/02/2020 21:53

Poor him.

I absolutely agree it gets better. Please just keep telling us how many of us can say that.

Being a teenager is shit for many people. In general, being an adult is just enormously better, sexuality aside. Pretty much everything is going to get better - not just sexuality.

SapphosRock · 27/02/2020 22:29

It gets better! I say this as a happy gay adult who was a miserable gay 16 year old.

If he is thinking of going to uni I would advise him to look at places with a thriving gay scene such as Manchester, Brighton or Leeds.

He is brave to have come out so young and once he's found his circle of friends he will be fine.

colinsleftnipple · 27/02/2020 22:56

Big hug to him.

I have no experience of being gay but I do have many gay male friends and they all went through different experiences but all came out much later as it wasn't as acceptable even 20 years ago.

He'll be fine. If you're all supportive he's got all he needs. Try not to worry,

Marmit · 27/02/2020 22:58

Fuck’s sake @topcat2014. It’s not a tap you can turn off and on Hmm

Xiaohei · 27/02/2020 23:05

In the podcast series ‘how to fail’ with Elizabeth Day she interviews Andrew Scott ( aka hot priest from fleabag) and I forget the exact thing he said but it was that his ‘burden’ (in his eyes being gay) has ultimately become his gift- I’d recommend a listen. It had me in tears and hopefully might help your son to hear someone else talk about their experiences.

fizzandchips · 27/02/2020 23:18

@Thehop what a powerful thing to say. The fact your brother mentioned it so many years later, showed what a beautiful gift you gave him.

LuluBellaBlue · 27/02/2020 23:50

The only hope I can offer is attitudes change hugely between school and college / Sixth form. I hope things get easier for him really soon