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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if ds is always going to hate being gay

43 replies

C00kiesandCr3am · 27/02/2020 21:10

Ds 16 is gay,hates himself and hates being gay.Partly/ mostly? due to bullying and homophobic language at school but this has apparently stopped now.

He has a supportive family, has had mentoring and counselling from an LBGT group and is under CAMHs.

Has come home utterly miserable again saying he hates his life and will never he happy because he’s gay. Kind of hoping it’s part of 16 year old general misery or a hurdle he’ll get over. Are the above feelings common and do they pass?

Not sure what I’m supposed to say other than things will get better( he doesn’t believe me).

OP posts:

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 28/02/2020 01:44

My son doesn't hate his sexuality but he did have a terrible time at his previous school due to homophobic bullying. It broke my heart to see him so upset, dejected and depressed. He hated going to school and would not even venture outside at break time due to numerous incidents of having food thrown at him. He did have a few friends but they never socialised outside school so he felt quite isolated and lonely. The school tried to intervene but by then the bullying had become quite insidious so that even answering a question in class made DS a target for nastiness day in day out.

In year 11 I had enough and started to look at other sixth forms locally as I knew his mental health was deteriorating to such a point that I was worried about his safety. His old school had an attached sixth form so a majority of the idiots who bullied him would also be attending and I knew the situation would not change.

We found a local school whose inclusive ethos really was brilliant and the total opposite of his old school. Knowing he was leaving meant he was able to cope with the stress of GCSE's on top of everything else. He walked out of his last exam without so much as a backwards glance.

When he started his new sixth form he choose to be out and has not experienced any negativity due to his sexuality. In the past 18 months DS has transformed into a happy, confident individual who enjoys school and has made numerous friends and has a boyfriend. He goes to parties, gigs and has developed a wicked sense of humour now the shadow of bullying has gone. Don't get me wrong he still has teenage fall outs and hormonal strops but overall he is now a much happier person.

wellbehavedwomen · 28/02/2020 02:50

Honestly, being 16 is just utterly shitty for most people, I think. And I think you hate the things about yourself that make you different, because you think if that were gone, you'd be happy.

You're only ever as happy as your least happy child, I know, but I am SO glad he has you. A friend who had physical issues that compromised her looks quite badly when younger told me that her parents made home a place where she always felt safe, loved and accepted. That sanctuary made the rest doable.

Life, generally, gets better. He just has to hang on in there. Agreed that a university with a thriving and diverse gay scene is important.

Be kind to yourself - watching your child hurt is agony.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2020 02:58

I love this

By Rick Mercer. Canadian royalty. And gay.

Being 16 and in any way not standard fucking issue is terrible.

Original poster

C00kiesandCr3am · 28/02/2020 06:44

Thank you so much, have texted him all those links. That school is a prison thing by that comedian is interesting as it’s exactly what he says.We’re starting to think about moving at Sixth Form. Annoyed he’s having to do this.He gets positive and then he crashes. Last night he just curled up in bed crying saying he hates his life, hates being gay., says it will be the same somewhere else as hell still hate being gay.... no matter what I said he just threw it back saying he’ll always feel like it. Supposed to be studying for his GCSEs.He promised me there had been no more incidents and he hadn’t heard any more homophobic language.

It’s exhausting and got me down as I started wondering if he is always going to feel like this just like he says. The positive stories were heartening.

OP posts:

MiniGuinness · 28/02/2020 06:50

Does any heterosexual 16 year old get told to 'leave relationships for a few years'? yes of course they do, but it isn’t about relationships is it? It is his feelings. Yes, OP it does get better. School can be shit, but the big wide world is out there and he will find his people.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 28/02/2020 06:54

Does he have any gay role models in his life?

Would be good if he knew or could meet other gay kids/people or he might feel very alone with this

Spidey66 · 28/02/2020 07:02

This is why I hate homophobia. I worked with some homophobic colleagues about 20 years back and one of their 'arguments' was that being gay was a choice and didn't seem to understand that because of comments like this that no-one would 'choose' to be gay.

JaceLancs · 28/02/2020 07:23

DS struggled with being gay as a teen and I worried about him as he became quite depressed and withdrawn
I think his life started to open up when he left home for uni - choose somewhere with great gay scene
DS went to Manchester - but we also have family and friends in Brighton so that was second choice
He’s now 26 very happy with his sexuality, lots of friends and a buzzing social life
Not met anyone long term yet but has had some lovely partners

slipperywhensparticus · 28/02/2020 07:27

School is not a good environment to be gay in my daughter was ok but there were a large amount of "the gays" (her term) in her 6th form so they stuck together as friends

slipperywhensparticus · 28/02/2020 07:28

And now she is in uni she is even more "loud and proud" (again her term)and comfortable in her own skin

ParisInTheSpringtime · 28/02/2020 07:31

I hated being me at 16, although I have no experience of the homophobic bullying (poor young man) I never really felt that I fitted in anywhere just as me until university. Changing school for sixth form could definitely help. Does he have access to youth groups where he can be with other gay teenagers? It might help him to see that he’s not alone or “other”.

3rdchristmaslucky · 28/02/2020 08:25

I think you've hit the nail on the head, OP, with this just being part of his teenage angst.

Think of being a teenager, the thing that made you different from everyone else, something that other people have pointed out (bullied him for in your son's case) becomes magnified and and obsessed over.

Hormones are crazy at his age. He's going through the conflict of having normal urges, being unsure of himself (and even moreso of his peers), wanting to blend in and feel accepted and just wanting what everyone else seems to have.

When I was a teenager the two things I stressed over obsessively were my feelings for other women and my excessive body hair. To the point where I couldn't be happy. The difference was that I didn't feel I could talk about these things and it manifested as self harm.

You're accepting, supporting and looking to help. Just keep the door open, be aware of more severe mood changes and keep in mind that it really does get better.

4cats2kids · 28/02/2020 09:17

I’m another who feels it gets better. I found when I met my wife, having a loving, supportive, stable relationship really improved my wellbeing. I don’t care what anyone thinks anymore. I wouldn’t want to be a teenager again though! But it’s positive he has a supportive family to help him along the way.

Coldilox · 28/02/2020 09:24

At 18 I attempted suicide. The reasons behind it were many and varied, but one major factor was that I was deeply closeted - I couldn’t even acknowledge it to myself properly but it was always there. I went to uni (not in a massively gay city, but all universities will have their own gay community), met the right friends who I felt able to come out to, and life for batter. Now 20 years later I’m married to a beautiful woman with a pain in the arse 5 year old. I spent so long desperately trying to avoid being gay, and now I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Tell him these stories. Show him It Gets Better. It’s so true.

Love to you both.

Putyourshoeson99 · 28/02/2020 11:20

Being 16 is tough, tough, tough. Being bullied makes it even harder. I hope some of the advice he's getting helps, he shouldn't hate being gay, honestly I think it's so much better in so many ways escaping the expectations and 'rules' around heterosexual dating, marriage, children etc.

Loftyswops988 · 28/02/2020 14:21

I wasn't comfortable with it either until I went to uni. I went from uncomfortable to loud and proud to then everything levelling out and feeling as it should be. It gets better is a very accurate campaign!

boymum9 · 28/02/2020 14:26

I feel for him, my (much) younger brother is gay and although we all just kind of knew for years he really struggled, he kept the reasons for his struggles in but they were clearly exhibited and resulted in moving school, v few (if any in real life) friendships, confused in how to just act in a way that was deemed "normal" as in talking about girls, fancying girls etc. It's taken until now (aged 20) for it to just settle with him, live his life how he wants, have confidence to be himself and make friends etc. So I do believe the difficulties will pass, 16 is a very difficult age!

User721 · 28/02/2020 16:17

I'm fairly sure my ds 12 in yr 7 is gay. What I have read on this thread about others experiences both worries and reassures me. The thought of homophobic bullying at school makes my blood run cold. At the moment my ds seems quite popular and has lots of friends (all boys) but I worry this will change when they all get a bit older.

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