Mum to DS9 here. Was a single mum to him consistently for almost 8 years until my partner came along - we are a happy family unit but we remain very close and he's very protective of me because for a long time it was just us as a snug little unit, and we had some difficult times over the years, but we got through them and are thriving now. But he can be quite anxious by nature and so I filter what I share with him to mitigate that.
That's the scene set. So this afternoon, after privately worrying about it for weeks, I popped in to the doctors with him in tow to try to make an appointment. (I had tried to call but been on hold for ages, and the surgery is a 3 minute walk from my house, so figured it would be easier to pop in.)
The receptionist stonewalled a bit saying they didn't have anything for two weeks, flicking through her online system sighing a lot with her back to me. I politely but firmly said I would like an appointment as quickly as possible and there must have been something in my tone because she then turned around in her chair to face me and asked me what it was concerning. My son was standing a couple of feet away reading the leaflets in the holder on the wall. I lowered my voice and said 'I have a solid lump in my right breast that was the size of a pea and is now the size of a golf ball, and I'd really like the doctor to make a referral to the breast unit just to check it out.' Miraculously she found a Tuesday morning appointment and was immediately a lot friendlier. I booked in, thanked her, and left. DS9 and I went to do some other errands - post office, bank, etc. I didn't know what, if anything, to say to him, so I kept conversation light and jolly and basically shelved it. I had hoped he hadn't heard, but...
...I just tucked him up in my bed to watch Harry Potter (it's our Thursday night thing we do together, homework then Harry then dinner), and he casually asked 'what does a lump in your boobie mean mama?' and I panicked and lied outright to him and said that it's probably a blocked or swollen milk duct - explained what a milk duct was in terms he would understand - and that it can get a little bit sore so I just want the doctor to take a look at it because they're the expert. He shrugged, pretty satisfied with my bullshit answer, and seems perfectly happy.
The truth is I'm absolutely petrified. I went to the breast unit a year ago and was referred for a biopsy and shit myself and didn't go. I had serious depression at the time and wasn't really in the best frame of mind and just buried my head about it. And when I went to the doctor this afternoon I wasn't expecting to have to explain to the receptionist why I wanted an appointment, so I just blurted it out (as quietly as possible, but Bat Ears still picked it up).
Now, hopefully it turns out to be nothing at all, but I feel shit for lying to my son. I guess I just want some reassurance that as dodgy as it feels, I did the right thing by not unnecessarily concerning him, because as worried as I am (and I have been prodding at it for weeks, several times a day, and my mum who is a registered nurse, and my partner, and my best friend who has also had a C-scare recently, have all been badgering me to get checked out for a looooong time), as worried as I am, I'm right to keep those fears from him for now, aren't I? Sorry this is long. I guess being just the two of us for so long I've always been very black and white about honesty, and my own anxieties are probably clouding my sense of reason right now.
Thanks for reading. Off to prod my tit some more and keep looking at that viral pic of those lemons that's burned into my retinas.
I namechanged for this because, well I don't even know why. I just had to ask somewhere that felt safe and reasonably anonymous because at least none of you can threaten to accompany me on Tuesday to make sure I go.