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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to outright lie to my son (TW cancer)

93 replies

Boobleoops · 27/02/2020 17:58

Mum to DS9 here. Was a single mum to him consistently for almost 8 years until my partner came along - we are a happy family unit but we remain very close and he's very protective of me because for a long time it was just us as a snug little unit, and we had some difficult times over the years, but we got through them and are thriving now. But he can be quite anxious by nature and so I filter what I share with him to mitigate that.

That's the scene set. So this afternoon, after privately worrying about it for weeks, I popped in to the doctors with him in tow to try to make an appointment. (I had tried to call but been on hold for ages, and the surgery is a 3 minute walk from my house, so figured it would be easier to pop in.)

The receptionist stonewalled a bit saying they didn't have anything for two weeks, flicking through her online system sighing a lot with her back to me. I politely but firmly said I would like an appointment as quickly as possible and there must have been something in my tone because she then turned around in her chair to face me and asked me what it was concerning. My son was standing a couple of feet away reading the leaflets in the holder on the wall. I lowered my voice and said 'I have a solid lump in my right breast that was the size of a pea and is now the size of a golf ball, and I'd really like the doctor to make a referral to the breast unit just to check it out.' Miraculously she found a Tuesday morning appointment and was immediately a lot friendlier. I booked in, thanked her, and left. DS9 and I went to do some other errands - post office, bank, etc. I didn't know what, if anything, to say to him, so I kept conversation light and jolly and basically shelved it. I had hoped he hadn't heard, but...

...I just tucked him up in my bed to watch Harry Potter (it's our Thursday night thing we do together, homework then Harry then dinner), and he casually asked 'what does a lump in your boobie mean mama?' and I panicked and lied outright to him and said that it's probably a blocked or swollen milk duct - explained what a milk duct was in terms he would understand - and that it can get a little bit sore so I just want the doctor to take a look at it because they're the expert. He shrugged, pretty satisfied with my bullshit answer, and seems perfectly happy.

The truth is I'm absolutely petrified. I went to the breast unit a year ago and was referred for a biopsy and shit myself and didn't go. I had serious depression at the time and wasn't really in the best frame of mind and just buried my head about it. And when I went to the doctor this afternoon I wasn't expecting to have to explain to the receptionist why I wanted an appointment, so I just blurted it out (as quietly as possible, but Bat Ears still picked it up).

Now, hopefully it turns out to be nothing at all, but I feel shit for lying to my son. I guess I just want some reassurance that as dodgy as it feels, I did the right thing by not unnecessarily concerning him, because as worried as I am (and I have been prodding at it for weeks, several times a day, and my mum who is a registered nurse, and my partner, and my best friend who has also had a C-scare recently, have all been badgering me to get checked out for a looooong time), as worried as I am, I'm right to keep those fears from him for now, aren't I? Sorry this is long. I guess being just the two of us for so long I've always been very black and white about honesty, and my own anxieties are probably clouding my sense of reason right now.

Thanks for reading. Off to prod my tit some more and keep looking at that viral pic of those lemons that's burned into my retinas.

I namechanged for this because, well I don't even know why. I just had to ask somewhere that felt safe and reasonably anonymous because at least none of you can threaten to accompany me on Tuesday to make sure I go.

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 27/02/2020 18:36

OP I am so sorry for your stressful situation. there is nothing you should feel bad about. I don't think you absolutely lied ('you said it probably was a milk duct, not definitely, which leaves the possibility to come back and say it turned out to be something else)....... and you were under pressure with no time to think, already dealing with the emotional stress of worrying. Your first instinct - to protect- is totally natural.

If the news is not good, however, then going forward it will really help him in the long run to share an age appropriate version of the truth. There is loads of support and advice about this from qualified sources (for example on MacMillan's website). We have to say enough of the truth for children not to feel betrayed later, and to give them a chance to adjust. You do this while remaining optimistic, and concrete and reassuring about them being looked after etc.

Sadly, I know this (in much more detail than this) because I read four books on the topic when my dd's father was diagnosed stage 4.

But this is getting way ahead of us. Hopefully it really is just a milk duct or something else harmless or minor. I am really wishing that for you.... and if it turns out not to be the case, then we will be here to support through that.....

Thanks Goldie

AnneOfTeenFables · 27/02/2020 18:39

I think what you did was fine. The fact is it could be a blocked milk duct and there's absolutely no point worrying him about any other outcomes. It would be a bit like telling him all the car accident stats every time you start a car journey rather than just say 'we're going to x'.

Please do go to your appointment and if telling someone in RL will make you more likely to go, then tell someone. I know it's scary. I've had a few scares but it's better to go to the appointment and know than worry unnecessarily. Flowers

Lunde · 27/02/2020 18:40

I think you are doing the right thing - no point in causing him to worry until you know what you are dealing with.

I lied by omission when I had a similar issue - just said I had a clinic appointment for a check up. I had a 2 breast lumps - one very large (measured at 2cm by 3.5cm) and one small. The clinic gave me the works - mammogram, ultrasound and a needle biopsy of the large lump.

In my case the small one turned out to be a minor infection - basically a spot that had become infected and the large was an encapsulated necrotic cyst - basically a bruise that had formed into a cyst. I had some precautionary antibiotics but no other treatment was needed.

EwwSprouts · 27/02/2020 18:47

I think you gave a reasonable response. It wasn't a complete dismissal and you don't know yet whether it is a cyst or something more serious.

Walk away from the lemon pictures. Look up the wonderful rates of successful treatment if you can't stay away from Google.

pussycatinboots · 27/02/2020 18:51

What else could you have done?
I'm sure little "bat ears" will think nothing more of it.
Hopefully everything will be ok - mine was.

coconuttelegraph · 27/02/2020 18:52

Tbh I think you are starting from a wrong premise, you absolutely don't need to tell your child everything and especially not medical concerns, you are doing nothing wrong by making an adult decision about what and how much you say, I wouldn't give it another thought.

I hope it turns out to be something benign

YakkityYakYakYak · 27/02/2020 18:52

I think what you did was absolutely right and fair. There is no reason for him to worry unnecessarily.

I get the impression you are on the fence about whether to go to your appointment - not dealing with this now could potentially be much more difficult to explain to your son in the future. Please go. I know it’s scary, but not going and not knowing will be just as scary.

Fcukthisshit · 27/02/2020 18:54

No advice really but I have fingers crossed for you Flowers

Jaxhog · 27/02/2020 18:56

I think you've done the right thing. No need to worry him until you have a clear diagnosis.

To those criticizing the receptionist, remember that most people demanding an 'urgent' appointment have cold and stuff that really isn't urgent. With limit resources, they have to triage somehow. When I broke my wrist, they moved heaven and earth to get me an out of hours appointment. I was very impressed.

Fingers crossed for you Op.

NaomiShapiro · 27/02/2020 18:57

What I do (having had cancer and many subsequent investigations looking for more tumours) is what my child's psychologist said: don't tell them anything until you know what there is to say - there is nothing/ no news to say to him more than you've said, even though in your head you feel it is (which is absolute crap, I know). Otherwise you are burdening him with your worries. If you need/want to discuss your worries there are forums on the Breast Cancer Now website. I hope it all goes well for you, take a friend, you won't remember much whatever the news is.

Leeds2 · 27/02/2020 19:01

I have no real advice, other than to say please do go to your appointment and hope it is nothing serious.
In the future, should you need to, if the receptionist asks you why you need an appointment, you can always ask for a piece of paper and write it down so that you have to say anything. Or write it down before you go. I have always remembered my DD being offered the "write it down" option when she didn't want to explain to a full waiting room why she wanted an appointment.

LittleBrownBaby · 27/02/2020 19:01

Just wanted to say good luck and I would absolutely not tell my child anything other than little white lies (I've had biopsies on breast lumps before) until you know what there is to say. I was given a 50/50 for cancer - I was lucky. Fingers crossed you'll be too x

SomethingBlue22 · 27/02/2020 19:05

My boy would have been the same with me and I would have said the same as you. Just make sure you get checked out and then deal with whatever happens. I don't say that harshly. I've had bad health news myself and really stressed about telling my kids but when the time is right you'll deal with it as a family (hopefully you won't need to). Good luck Flowers

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 27/02/2020 19:05

The breast clinic will be so much better/friendly/helpful, I promise, and once you have been, you can contact them directly (even if years later), much easier.

I had a fast growing lump a few years ago, it was a massive cyst which they drained and that was that.

At the time they told me more than 90% of lumps are nothing to worry about.

In my experience they were very professional and nice and it was all done quickly.

Massive relief, and glad I had it looked at straight away.

You were right not to worry your son as it is most probably nothing to worry about Flowers

Largeyellowdaffodil · 27/02/2020 19:08

I can't believe that they are making you wait till Tuesday. When I was a receptionist if someone came and asked for an appointment re a lump, I gave an appointment that day.

And in the real world my GP was unable to give me an appointment at all- they had non for a month minimum. A breast lump even with a family history of cancer doesn't meet the requirements for a same day emergency appointment- as it is not an emergency

A 2 week cancer route is great in theory- but if you cant get a GP appointment to kick it off then it is pretty poor.

Original poster
Boobleoops · 27/02/2020 19:15

Wait I've already been to the breast unit at my local hospital, a year ago, that's when I chickened out and literally left after seeing the first (doctor? specialist? person? I was a bit of a mess so don't remember) - I was recommended to stay and wait there and see someone else and I freaked out and went home. Freaked out very quietly and Britishly, as in, just got changed in the loo and slunk out and walked home. But because I've already been, can I just call them direct and make an appointment? Rather than wait to see the doctor on tuesday and wait for a referral?

OP posts:
FarTooMuchWashing · 27/02/2020 19:18

Call them - you have nothing to lose by doing so.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/02/2020 19:22

@Boobleoops it's worth a try. Explain to them and they'll advise.

SophieSong · 27/02/2020 19:22

I think you handled it fine. Like others have said you don’t know yet what the medical issue is so right now you’d be speculating to him if you mentioned cancer. And it’s be a really cruel parent who speculated about cancer to their 9 year old. Is it possible that you have over shared at times with your son? Because I’m surprised you’re even questioning whether your response was not appropriate.

I hope you manage to get a clear answer ASAP and it’s good news.

eaglejulesk · 27/02/2020 19:27

Just wanted to wish you all the best for your appointment OP Flowers.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 27/02/2020 19:29

Worth trying to contact them directly

Original poster
Boobleoops · 27/02/2020 19:29

@sophiesong no I haven't overshared; I share information honestly, usually underwhelmingly, and in an age appropriate way. I'm just frightened and was hoping that in that moment of fear and panic I had done the right thing.

OP posts:
MrsStrangerThing · 27/02/2020 19:33

You definitely did the right thing op Flowers As it has been a year, you will require a new referral. They will have discharged you for not attending, long ago now.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 27/02/2020 19:34

Absolutely what I would have done. I would only tell my DC when we knew what we were dealing with and the plan was. It absolutely could be anything and lots of breast lumps are benign. No benefit at all with worrying a 9yo unnecessarily.

Definitely go on Tuesday though. Do you have a friend you could take along or someone you can be accountable to? Much better to get it seen now.

macaroniandpizza · 27/02/2020 19:34

You havent lied to him by any means. Youve told him whats wrong in a way you felt was right for you. I really hope that its nothing serious