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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Priority debts”

70 replies

PumpkinP · 27/02/2020 10:56

I’m really at a loss with child maintenance and feel like I’m banging my head against a wall! My ex hasn’t paid maintenance in 3 years. I’ve been to the cms but can’t get anywhere. I have 4 children and I don’t get a penny from the father. I have just called cms as they told me they would do a liability order 6+ months ago. As I hadn’t heard anything I thought I would chase it up. Well according to them because he is on benefits and has “priority debts” he doesn’t have to pay cm. people on here seem to think that if you are not receiving maintenance it’s because you are not doing enough to chase it but I have tried for years. And because my ex has other debts he doesn’t have to pay maintenance! How is that right?!

OP posts:
WelcometoCranford · 27/02/2020 17:38

How do these men sleep at night?

LakieLady · 27/02/2020 17:41

I knew this, but only because I've done debt advice training.

It's so wrong. I'd be minded to lock the non-paying bastards up, frankly.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 27/02/2020 17:45

If he hasn't got the money, he hasn't got it. Living in debt isn't comfortable, and UC doesn't pay well to begin with. So to only be getting 70% of the payment and that having to cover all his outgoings, he'll be massively struggling. He still needs a roof over his head and food, he'll be lucky if the UC he has left even covers that.

You say he has always been in debt so why on earth have 4 kids with someone that unreliable?!

HillAreas · 27/02/2020 17:48

I really think there should be some scheme where the government steps in to provide for these children and claims the money back from non-paying parents via other avenues.

Haven’t paid for your children for a year and left the government to pick up the tab? That’s your retirement age just gone up a year because you’ve just forced the government to pay that years pension to your children in the here and now.

That’s just an idea off the top of my head but there must be some workable way of making people (ok, mostly fathers) provide for their children. If you can be prosecuted for not providing the BBC with their licence fee and the council with their rates then why on Earth is it seemingly impossible to make them provide food for their children???

In my more right wing fits of rage reading some of these threads I’ve been known to mutter about forced sterilisation for these types but maybe that’s too far?

I’m very angry for you and your children @PumpkinP. You deserve better from him and from the system.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 27/02/2020 17:50

That’s my point. I think he will deliberately keep himself in debt to avoid maintenance. He will do anything to get out of it.

Want to hear my exes little gem “I shouldn’t have to pay for kids I don’t see” his choice to not see them btw not me stopping anything.

OP posts:
TheBouquets · 27/02/2020 17:53

I have been chasing for 28 years or maybe more to get CSA/CMS and I have recently received information that the ex is on a benefit that they can not attach so I will be getting nothing. This is a bad enough situation. He is now telling my children that he did pay and that I am lying. They appear to believe him.
These fathers who evade Child Support for children should be charged with child neglect and dealt with through the court. I don't know where they would house those evading fathers there seems to be so many of them

HillAreas · 27/02/2020 17:57

I shouldn’t have to pay for kids I don’t see

That line has steam coming out of my ears. The mental energy it must take up to convince yourself of shit like that is incredible.

Lllot5 · 27/02/2020 17:58

That’s a very good point @HillAreas about tv licence and council tax.
They seem to be able to chase for payment of these debts.
If the government had to pay these arrears you bet your life they would find a way to claim the money back.

HillAreas · 27/02/2020 18:09

If the government had to pay these arrears you bet your life they would find a way to claim the money back.

Exactly my point. And while they faff about finding ways to claim it back, the children affected shouldn’t have to suffer. They still need fed and clothed and housed regardless. I bet it would also go some way to addressing levels of child poverty and inequality, too.

Jaxhog · 27/02/2020 18:11

Personally, I think he should be on the street before he's allowed not to pay maintenance towards his children. Their wellbeing should be a higher priority than his.

Unfortunately, that isn't the way the system works.

Jaxhog · 27/02/2020 18:12

I shouldn’t have to pay for kids I don’t see

Grr! He should have to pay for the kids he made!

Sotiredofthislife · 27/02/2020 18:18

Agreed dessert. Too many —utterly clueless— people advise ‘open a case with the CMS’ as if that will help. It rarely does.

And I also agreed it’s not just the children who suffer: it’s those of us struggling to juggle the reality of providing for a family on no more than one wage, the mental strain of that, that causes problems. My mental health is shot after 10 years but I have no choice but to keep going. He should be facing criminal charges but no one, absolutely no one, cares about the impact on me.

UniversalAunt · 27/02/2020 18:20

‘Priority’ debts are those - usually paid to Govt & Local Authorities - where payment is statutory & non-compliance can lead to severe penalties.

Still infuriating that your Ex is not working & so paying to support the children you both brought into the world.

Most parents resolve child maintenance payments between themselves using the Govt guidelines to offer an idea of a sensible financial starting point. Some parents need the help of the CMS to get the monies, but if your Ex doesn’t have the dosh then he cannot pay.

What a grim life to be on benefits, in deep debt & not provide for your own children.

Most fathers do pay reasonable sums to support their children.

OlivejuiceU2 · 27/02/2020 18:24

Don’t give up OP. My mum had the same problem with my Dad. She eventually got paid when I was 26, she got 37K. They took it out of his bank account. Keep going

Original poster
PumpkinP · 27/02/2020 18:54

I wouldn’t feel too sorry for him. He lives in a 3 bed flat in Chelsea and rents out the rooms, but apparently he is allowed to do that so trust me he is not suffering in any way. Cms can’t touch that money btw as it’s cash in hand. I can’t believe people actually feel sorry for him Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinP · 27/02/2020 18:56

What a grim life to be on benefits, in deep debt & not provide for your own children.

Then he can get a job?! He is choosing not to work or see his kids. He doesn’t want to provide for them.

OP posts:
WelcomeToShootingStars · 27/02/2020 19:05

If the money isn't there then it isn't there. He can't pay you out of nothing and he can't be expected to make himself homeless to pay you either.

I get that it's a bit shit, but why on earth did you have 4 children with him if he's always been unreliable?

Original poster
PumpkinP · 27/02/2020 19:12

It’s always the woman’s fault isn’t it. He was abusive not that it matters. Instead of people being horrified a father can get away without paying I get well why did you have kids with him, why did he have kids if he couldn’t pay and doesn’t want to see them?! He could get a job... it’s been 3 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinP · 27/02/2020 19:15

This is why men get away with it because you get well why have kids with him them. I didn’t know the extent of his debts when I first met him as he hid them, but yet it’s still my fault. Hmm

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 27/02/2020 19:19

@PumpkinP if he is capable of working, then he should do so & pay his fair contribution. I had reasonably assumed that he may not be able to work due to advanced age, illness or disability.

That said, HMRC is always keen to help people manage their cash flow within the income tax guidelines. I suggest that you consider introducing his circumstances to them - I do believe that there is a special helpline for this...
Likewise the Local Authority are keen to support residents complete their Council Tax & Electoral Roll registrations both correctly & on time. They have their own special number for this.

If yon CF is not paying his way then he is taking the piss out of all of us who pay tax in full & on time

Original poster
PumpkinP · 27/02/2020 19:21

we are in are 30s and he has no disabilities.

OP posts:
dungtwicebother · 27/02/2020 19:24

CMS loopholes totally suck. They just seem to accept their own holes as perfectly normal

My situation is ex managed to get imprisoned. He fell a long way from the apple cart over a few years and stopped paying maintenance. Just before he got sent to HMP, we got maintenance at the most basic rate from his benefit.

As soon as they locked the door - NOTHING. It costs a fortune to imprison and rehabilitate him. But no one cares that his kids are fed. They get nothing at all.

I think the government should step in and pay at least the basic rate for the children in this scenario.

Sotiredofthislife · 27/02/2020 20:17

Most fathers do pay reasonable sums to support their children

The stats would suggest otherwise. Of course they don’t include the cases where parents have made their own arrangements and nor does it include the cases where a PWC accepts a paltry amount rather than rock the boat. However, ‘most’ is really quite a stretch.

I get that it's a bit shit, but why on earth did you have 4 children with him if he's always been unreliable?

ODFOD. Why did he create 4 babies he had no intention of supporting?

UniversalAunt · 27/02/2020 23:42

@Sotiredofthislife Yes,, I did include those who make sensible informal arrangements between the parents.

alphabetti · 28/02/2020 07:05

CHild Maintenance is not taken as seriously as it should and unfortunately too many times the line well you shouldn’t have had children with him is quoted. I have had issue after issue with my ex refusing to pay for the children that he wanted yet once the reality of having a young family hit him he said he needed to think of himself and left without even saying goodbye to them and been with woman after woman since.

CMS is not fit for purpose. I could type for hours the issues I have had even with employee not applying order correctly for past 2yrs - taking deduction and not sending through or taking £100 less a month. Nothing seems to be done though. I have another meeting with MP soon to try and get issues resolved but I’m not holding out.

I work hard and so does my partner but my ex needs to be responsible and the children deserve a better standard of living so he should be paying his fair share not leaving it all up to my partner who does also have his own child that he pays maintenance for.

And I agree the resident parent often takes the impact on their mental health too it’s simply not fair to allow the maintenance rules in this country to continue like they do.