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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I overreacting to this?

42 replies

Everytimeiseeher · 27/02/2020 10:25

I have a partner of 4.5 years. I have been with him since I left my 25 year relationship with my husband. I ended my marriage due to domestic violence. I suffered emotional and verbal abuse and occasionally physical violence. I had the silent treatment for weeks on end.

My new partner is a good man, he works hard, is considerate and is great with my two children who are 13 and 15. We have been very very happy together so far.
He knows all about my ex and had has witnessed his abuse towards me when I have encountered my ex once in person once and the text messages regarding the kids which I have now blocked as it’s too stressful and the kids deal with their dad direct.
However over the past two weeks my partner has gone in a mood with me twice. Once was because I gave my daughters friend a drive home (a 10 mile round trip) once evening. The girls parents don’t drive, hadn’t given her money for the bus, (there is no direct bus from our hous to here anyway) and as it was a school night I just wanted the girl home. When I came back I had the silent treatment for the rest of the evening.
Then last night my I finished work at 9pm after a 12 hour shift at work, I was working from home, I have clients come to me so was busy with them all day one after the other (I am a hairdresser). My partner had also a long day, he worked from 7-5 then went to evening class until 9pm. He picked the kids up from their dads and came home at 9 just as I was finished with my client. I still had to sweep/vacuum and clean my work area and didnt finish this until about 9.20pm. He got on with making the kids a bedtime snack and emptying the dishwasher. He wasn’t talking to me and made a comment of being hungry.
He is a grown adult who can eat when he wants and doesn’t need to wait on me. My concern is this silent treatment. It makes me very uncomfortable as I had it with my ex. It’s like walking on eggshells and I cannot bear it.
I’m assuming it was because I didn’t have the dishwasher emptied and supper started for them all coming home. I asked him but he said he was fine and it was me in the mood. I wasn’t, I had been chatting with my clients all day and was in a great mood.

I couldnt get into bed to sleep beside him and slept on the sofa I was so angry with him.
I feel like I’m overreacting as I’m used to this from my ex. However I dont want to see him later. I actually feel like texting him and telling him to stay elsewhere tonight. It has completely put me off him and I could easily end the relationship.
Is this being unrealistic based on two incidents? Am I taking my past out on him? I really don’t know how to deal with this. I can’t go home tonight and act normal, (we are both out at work)

What’s the best way to deal with this as I’m too damaged from my past I don’t know what to do? If I try to talk to him he will say he was ok and it’s me that was in the mood but I wasn’t, my two teenage dc even noticed he was in a mood with me.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/02/2020 10:28

Silent treatment is linked to abusive behaviour. Did you do the freedom programme? It seems like he's not necessarily the best partner for you

Original poster
Everytimeiseeher · 27/02/2020 10:29

No o have t done the freedoms programme? What is this and do you have to attend it somewhere? I do need to do something for myself my self confidence and decision making are awful.

OP posts:
Idontkowmyname · 27/02/2020 10:33

Stroppy and unacceptable at best, abusive at worst. Regardless of what you decide with this relationship take a look at the Freedom Program(not something I’ve looked at but comes highly recommended) The book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is well worth reading and it may surprise you all the types of behaviour which fall under being abusive.

Idontkowmyname · 27/02/2020 10:34

freedomprogramme.co.uk/ here’s some info for you op

Original poster
Everytimeiseeher · 27/02/2020 10:36

Thing is I dont know how to deal with this tonight. I feel a bit knee jerk ending the relationship for it after 4.5 happy years, I am quite bad for cutting people out and not talking to them again to avoid confrontations as I’m scared of getting into arguments/fights.

OP posts:
WifeOfTiresias · 27/02/2020 10:39

Freedom Programme is offered by Women's Aid. Not done it myself but I believe it can be face to face group sessions or can be done as an online course. Google "Freedom Programme " and it comes up as one of the top hits.

I believe it is aimed at helping women who have been victims of domestic violence to understand how their abusive partners control them, how to get free and how to recognise warning signs in future relationships. Sounds like it would be very useful for you.

Ponoka7 · 27/02/2020 10:39

The silent treatment is emotional abuse.

You need to have one conversation about it and end it if it continues.

Personally I would be rethinking the relationship.

Floralnomad · 27/02/2020 10:39

If he is making you feel uncomfortable in your home then you don’t have him there . However whether you need to actually end the relationship is a different matter , you could just explain the issues to him and cool things for a bit and see how it goes .

AryaStarkWolf · 27/02/2020 10:41

Why was he annoyed because you gave the girl a lift home? What possible reason would there be for that. The other incident as well is odd.

Is this the first time in the 4.5 years he's started doing it?

Original poster
Everytimeiseeher · 27/02/2020 10:49

@ayrastarkwolf
He was annoyed because I’m constantly giving daughters friends lifts. It alls always me picking up her up from theirs or dropping the friends back home. I am fed up with it also but feel I have no choice as either the parents dont drive or only one does as they are at work/had a drink or they can’t get a bus as the bus doesn’t go direct from the town where her school and friends are to where we live. I prefer to make sure my daughter gets home safely and her friends do to. His argument is that her friends aren’t our problem. We work hard whilst their parents are sat at home not worrying about their own kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Everytimeiseeher · 27/02/2020 10:50

@AryaStarkWolf sorry mis tagged you.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 27/02/2020 10:51

Oh OP.
Firstly - do not doubt yourself, you know your mood was fine. You know he is a functioning adult who can make his own food. You know it was entirely reasonable to have given your child's friend a lift home & to have worked til 9.20pm.

Two incidents alone are not enough to base conclusions on - but this is very worrying:
I asked him but he said he was fine and it was me in the mood.
This is classic DARVO territory, beloved of emotional abusers -
www.restoredrelationships.org/news/2017/11/07/darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-and-offender/

What’s the best way to deal with this as I’m too damaged from my past I don’t know what to do?
Sweetheart - you have the biggest part of the toolkit already, because you have enough of a sense of self to know that I could easily end the relationship.

Supplement that with an education - starting here -
freedomprogramme.co.uk/

& the absolute go-to bible for domestic abuse survivors is here -
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

The silent treatment is awful, & yes it is abusive.
Him denying his mood (ffs! - even your kids know that's a lie) & attmepting to blame YOUR non-existent 'mood' for his surliness is unacceptable.

Spend some time with the resources, & consider your options.
It is very very, normal to escape one abusive relationship, only to end up sucked into another. The Freedom Programme is all about giving you the skills to recognise & avoid falling back into that trap.

You sound sensible, smart & sorted.
Don't get dragged back down.

Original poster
Everytimeiseeher · 27/02/2020 10:52

And yes first time doing this apart from when he was moody when gave up smoking (understandable) he is stressed as he works very long hours and is doing a evening classes in a stressful subject. He has a lot on his plate at the moment.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 27/02/2020 10:58

@Everytimeiseeher but he isn't the one driving them so why is he getting annoyed with you?

You do need to have a chat with him though, probably best not to compare him with your violent ex but definitely make it clear silent treatment is a deal breaker for you

MrsExpo · 27/02/2020 10:58

I think if this was a one off/first time thing, then he might have been stressed/tired himself and this was just the last straw. I'd be tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt if the other 4.5 years have been happy years. We all have off days.

If it becomes a repeated pattern then you do have problem.

Original poster
Everytimeiseeher · 27/02/2020 11:01

@messolini9

Thank you.

My ex was so bad this guy is like an angel compared to him. I don’t want to automatically tar him with the same brush as my ex and make him pay the price for my automatic shut down of him because Of my past. Everyone is entitled to be annoyed with their partner and maybe he couldn’t be bothered arguing with me late at night after a long day.
I don’t want to argue later but I know we will if I try to talk.

OP posts:
ZaZathecat · 27/02/2020 11:02

I think you need to spell it out to him that you won't put up with the silent treatment, especially considering your past relationship. Tell him to be clear and tell you why he's angry and then you can have a sensible discussion about it.

Daftodil · 27/02/2020 11:06

If he has had 2 off days in 4.5 years, then I think you might be projecting some of your past experiences onto him. It seems extreme to end an (almost) 5year relationship over a couple of petty arguments between 2 people who had had long days at work and were probably a bit crabby with each other.

HollowTalk · 27/02/2020 11:12

I think you need to tell him that the way he behaved reminded you so much of the way your ex behaved that you're reconsidering whether you should stay with him.

Did he move into your house?

SweetNorthernRose · 27/02/2020 11:24

I am quite bad for cutting people out and not talking to them again to avoid confrontations as I’m scared of getting into arguments/fights

This to me is just as bad (if not worse!) than silent treatment. Regardless of whether his mood was justified or not, the likelihood is he's being silent for the same reasons you're tempted just to end it - to avoid confrontation. The only way to deal with this is to speak to him. Tell him how the silent treatment has made you feel. He may be understanding, in which case great, and it's a step in the right direction for you moving on from how your ex has affected you. If he won't take responsibility then you can weigh up your options from there. But I honestly don't think not even trying to have that discussion is going to help anyone in the long run.

messolini9 · 27/02/2020 11:28

I don’t want to argue later but I know we will if I try to talk.

Really?
If you are unable to have a low-key conversation about how to handle small fallouts in a relationship, you need to think carefully about what you are both avoiding.

There is no need for any hurry or panic or irreversible decisions OP.
But you need to say something to him like "I need to talk, & I need to be heard, & if we can't do that without raised voices or silent treatment, what is the point of us?"

Meantime ... keep reading the Bancroft book! Flowers

Original poster
Everytimeiseeher · 27/02/2020 14:08

@HollowTalk
Yes he moved in with us after almost two years together.
It’s me I know we both had long busy days yesterday we are already both tired with working and studying, running a house and two teenagers. He is entitled to be a bit off but I’d rather he say to me that not speak and then say nothing wrong with me its you that’s got the problem.
I’ll try and talk to him tonight about it as I really hate that feeling.
Telling him to go away and ending the relationship is a knee jerk reaction to avoid talking and therefore arguments which are a result of my past.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 27/02/2020 14:13

I think you need to tell him that the way he behaved reminded you so much of the way your ex behaved that you're reconsidering whether you should stay with him.

I really don't think that's a good idea, from what the OP said he's nothing at all like her ex who was actually violent. The silent treatment isn't good granted but she's been with the guy 4.5 years and he's done it twice, everyone has bad days and comparing the guy to someone who was violent is over the top and insulting considering what he's actually done.

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 27/02/2020 14:14

I don't even understand why any of those things should have even registered with him as annoying, let alone give him justification for a big sulk. I could understand being distant if your partner had really upset you and you wanted some time to calm down before discussing it but this just seems petulant and childish at best and abusive at worst.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2020 14:27

You've traded one abusive relationship for another, and your new partner will only get worse. Learn from your past and stop ignoring the red flags and making excuses for his emotional abuse. Get him out and get therapy. I fear you have no idea what a healthy relationship should be. Think of the example you are setting for your children.