Am I overreacting to this?

[Everytimeiseeher]

I have a partner of 4.5 years. I have been with him since I left my 25 year relationship with my husband. I ended my marriage due to domestic violence. I suffered emotional and verbal abuse and occasionally physical violence. I had the silent treatment for weeks on end.

My new partner is a good man, he works hard, is considerate and is great with my two children who are 13 and 15. We have been very very happy together so far.
He knows all about my ex and had has witnessed his abuse towards me when I have encountered my ex once in person once and the text messages regarding the kids which I have now blocked as it’s too stressful and the kids deal with their dad direct.
However over the past two weeks my partner has gone in a mood with me twice. Once was because I gave my daughters friend a drive home (a 10 mile round trip) once evening. The girls parents don’t drive, hadn’t given her money for the bus, (there is no direct bus from our hous to here anyway) and as it was a school night I just wanted the girl home. When I came back I had the silent treatment for the rest of the evening.
Then last night my I finished work at 9pm after a 12 hour shift at work, I was working from home, I have clients come to me so was busy with them all day one after the other (I am a hairdresser). My partner had also a long day, he worked from 7-5 then went to evening class until 9pm. He picked the kids up from their dads and came home at 9 just as I was finished with my client. I still had to sweep/vacuum and clean my work area and didnt finish this until about 9.20pm. He got on with making the kids a bedtime snack and emptying the dishwasher. He wasn’t talking to me and made a comment of being hungry.
He is a grown adult who can eat when he wants and doesn’t need to wait on me. My concern is this silent treatment. It makes me very uncomfortable as I had it with my ex. It’s like walking on eggshells and I cannot bear it.
I’m assuming it was because I didn’t have the dishwasher emptied and supper started for them all coming home. I asked him but he said he was fine and it was me in the mood. I wasn’t, I had been chatting with my clients all day and was in a great mood.

I couldnt get into bed to sleep beside him and slept on the sofa I was so angry with him.
I feel like I’m overreacting as I’m used to this from my ex. However I dont want to see him later. I actually feel like texting him and telling him to stay elsewhere tonight. It has completely put me off him and I could easily end the relationship.
Is this being unrealistic based on two incidents? Am I taking my past out on him? I really don’t know how to deal with this. I can’t go home tonight and act normal, (we are both out at work)

What’s the best way to deal with this as I’m too damaged from my past I don’t know what to do? If I try to talk to him he will say he was ok and it’s me that was in the mood but I wasn’t, my two teenage dc even noticed he was in a mood with me.

You've traded one abusive relationship for another, and your new partner will only get worse.

Talk about an overreaction fucking hell. He's not exactly a "new partner"

I can’t abide sulking, and I think it’s an overreaction from him to go in a huff about you doing your DD’s friend a favour. I regularly taxi my DS and his friends about, and I doubt my DH could give a toot - he’s probably glad to have the house to himself for half an hour.

Your DC are at the age where you may only have a few years left on them living at home. Don’t let this eejit spoil it by creating an atmosphere with his moods.

My DH is a bit of a pushover and (in my opinion) does far too much for other people, sometimes to the detriment of his own family. I do get snippy about it.

On the other hand, I would have no time for sulky behaviour about a dinner not being ready. Are you his domestic?

Sit him down and have a chat about the silence and how it makes you feel. Sometimes though people get pissed off for no good reason and dont want to talk. Normal part of a relationship

He doesn't have to agree that he was in a mood for it to be a successful telling off by you.

You don't have to "win" an argument about it to stop arguing.

You don't even have to argue, or you can shut it down immediately.

Tell him he came across like he was sulking and it pissed you off. If he says he was not sulking then you say that's good to know but unfortunately it came across strongly to you like a sulk so please in future be more careful because it made you unhappy.

See? You don't have to argue. The basic premise is that you are not telling him what was going on in his head, that is unknowable. You are telling him how his behaviour made you feel. You are asking him to consider his future behaviour as a result.

He does not have to agree with any of that in the moment. I think this kind of conversation is best to be brief. People's instinct is often to be defensive or to capitulate too easily. Ideally you want to say your piece then each of you has time alone to reflect. Maybe you and he will rant in your heads and mutter darkly but after a bit he will have processed it and come out the other side feeling reasonable. End result is the next time you see each other you are both kind, calm and collected.

This assumes he is normal not abusive.

I feel that too often people want immediate resolution rather than letting others go off and process then come back.

The reason this is pinging with you is because it's what some abusers do, and you have experience in this.

I think if you go to your DP and tell him that he is NEVER to give you the silent treatment again or you will end the relationship, If he doesn't do it again, you're all good.

you have one small window to hopefully give this guy the benefit of the doubt and nip this stuff in the bud.

Is there anything else that you are thinking was slightly off, now that you think about it?

I don't consider not talking to someone for a couple of hours giving them the silent treatment. Everyone within a couple will at time or not do something that will annoy the other. It's better in this instance to keep quiet for some time to let it wash over and allow us to move on. The alternative being to be snappy or enter in awhile discussion about why we are annoyed which can be very draining when the matter is something minor.

Giving people some space to emotionally unwind is respecting them. Not talking to them for days to punish them is manipulative.

No Yanbu he is though.
Tell him in no uncertain terms how you feel about his behaviour and you will not tolerate it.
He can grow up or get out.
You deserve much better.

Tell him to be clear and tell you why he's angry and then you can have a sensible discussion about it.

If having a sensible discussion was always likely to lead to a productive conclusion, not talking wouldn't have been invented.

A sensible discussion is more likely to lead to a productive conclusion than not communicating.

I'm not standing up for him but are you sure those are the reasons he is giving you the silent treatment?

Kinda in the same situation as you (very abusive ex and husband who occasionally gives me the silent treatment too) I to assume he's quiet for silly things like staying late at work, doing extra shifts or not having any food in so nothing in for dinner etc. Then another part of me thinks that it may be because he has a very stressful job and doesn't like talking about the stuff he's had to deal with as it's so awful and doesn't want to worry me. Don't think he realises being quiet is having this effect on me.

I agree with the posters who said you need to sit down and talk to him seriously.

Try and work out a better way to release his frustrations. It is abusive yes, but I think we can all act sulky and out of line at times. The issue here will be if you talk to him and he STILL carries on with that behaviour.

As for the giving lifts to a friend, it would ring alarm bells for me if my partner was annoyed at that. Maybe find out what the key issue here is of why this bothers him. It’s not something to be bothered about really is it? Very bizarre.

You sound like you have a very wise head on you and high enough self esteem to break this off is he does go too far. Well done for recognising emotionally abusive behaviour, it’s often not so easy.

how Are you OP

why are you giving so many lifts to dd's friend ? as you said you are fed up with it, the parents should be sorting out her transport i.e a taxi not relying on you.
not sure about anyone walking out in this relationship, acknowlwdging you both have a stressful life together is better, and trying to be supportive of the fact, it's not a case of you tell meyour problems, i'll tell you mine and we'll see who the winner is.
everyone has difficult times and periods when their partner winds them up so much they want to walk out and never come back, but it doesn't make it a cert you will do that in reality.
i prefer 'there is a lot going on the moment, what can we do to help ease it ?' then have a discussion not argue. you are a team and can, if you want, get through this, but you shouldn't never bring your ex into the convo in a negative way and compare them.
if you do decide to split at least you and your dc have your home.

@Everytimeiseeher are you ok?

Hi everyone sorry I’ve not updated - busy working.

Well I had a chat with him last night. It turns out he was just stressed because of college assessments and had had a bad day at work. He was tired. He didn’t want to talk about so was just a bit quiet and snippy. My past meant I was thinking I’d done something wrong like maybe he was angry with me because I hadn’t made diner/tidied kitchen/picked up kids. I told him that I was treated like that for years and wasn’t putting up with that anymore. If he has a bad day come and talk about it as I do to him not to act like that.
Thanks for all the advice it helped a lot.

OP it's good to hear you and dh were able to resolve things,