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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I stop contact completely

37 replies

SoftPlayHell0 · 27/02/2020 10:16

Ex has cancelled 11 out of the last 15 times he has arranged to see our 3 year old ds over the last year and a half. He only wants to see him once a month as it is and obviously can’t even begin to manage that. I’m very worried about the emotional effect on ds as he gets older of his father cancelling so frequently. He does not have PR and is unlikely to go to court IMO as he’s very lazy and permanently skint. Should I stop contact completely in an effort to protect ds? He never mentions him and has a supportive family around him on my side. I realise this is a huge decision and I just want what’s best for ds so please be kind

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 27/02/2020 10:19

Yes I think you should (stop contact). Your ds is not a toy to be picked up and played with a bit when his "father" has nothing better to do. Worst thing you can do for your ds is to encourage an attachment to such a pathetic selfish specimen.

Original poster
SoftPlayHell0 · 27/02/2020 10:23

Thank you, I have been agonising over this for a while as once it’s done there’s no going back

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Clangus00 · 27/02/2020 10:25

Yes I would stop too. Sounds like he’s just not interested.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 27/02/2020 10:28

What is/are the reason(s) for your ex having cancelled so many times? Is it to do with him being skint?

Porcupineinwaiting · 27/02/2020 10:28

Once it's done there is no going back

Well actually there is. He could shape up and go to court and get an access order and stick to it. If he wont, that's on him not you. Your job is to act in your ds' best interests - you tried to support a relationship with his dad. Not your fault it didnt work.

Original poster
SoftPlayHell0 · 27/02/2020 10:29

If he did go to court, (he’d have to apply for PR first I guess) would they take into account his poor record or would they be likely to order contact? Because that would be worse than the current situation as I’d have no control at all whereas currently I do

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BendyLikeBeckham · 27/02/2020 10:31

Do you tell your child his dad is coming? I find the best way to manage DC expectations is not to tell them until it actually happens and he turns up. No disappointment, no feeling rejected, no being let down.

Think of his dad like a distant relative who he sees occasionally but who isn't part of his daily life. No need to prevent him seeing him at all. That sounds a bit drastic, and he might blame you for it when he is older.

Original poster
SoftPlayHell0 · 27/02/2020 10:31

His reasons vary, sometimes he says he can’t afford petrol, sometimes it’s due to the weather or his car not working, often it’s just for no good reason and once he’d forgotten and when I messaged him he was on holiday abroad

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Isadora2007 · 27/02/2020 10:32

He is hurting your child be not attending so yes you should stop contact. He can go via the courts if he is keen to resume contact but I doubt he will be sadly.
Maybe do it via email or letter so you have a record of it. Stay calm and be factual-
Child’s Dad
As you have failed to show up for contact on the following dates- list the dates- I am cancelling all future contact. Continuity and trust is vital for our child’s wellbeing and being let down is not in his best interests. Until you can show a level of responsibility contact will not be possible.

Original poster
SoftPlayHell0 · 27/02/2020 10:32

No I don’t tell DS in advance due to the high probability of him cancelling but that’s going to be harder as he gets older as it won’t be fair to just spring it on him on the day

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Original poster
SoftPlayHell0 · 27/02/2020 10:34

I did send him a message along those lines a couple of months ago and he promised to do better but has just cancelled this weekend coming, so he’s had plenty of chances

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Wickedwoo · 27/02/2020 10:34

I would stop. My dad used to promise to come and see me and i used to sit and wait on the garden wall all day and he very very rarely ever turned up, it used to break my heart because i thought it was because he didn't like me so yes It does have an emotional effect.

messolini9 · 27/02/2020 10:35

His reasons vary, sometimes he says he can’t afford petrol, sometimes it’s due to the weather or his car not working, often it’s just for no good reason and once he’d forgotten and when I messaged him he was on holiday abroad

Fucksake. "Can't afford" petrol to visit his own child, but can afford to treat himself to a holiday abroad?

Yeah, take charge of the situation & fuck him off OP. Your child is better off without this loser yoyo-ing in & out of their life.

Porcupineinwaiting · 27/02/2020 10:36

Document his poor record now - note down times/dates, keep emails, screenshot texts. Then if it ever comes to court it will be taken into account and an appropriate level of contact set . What that is will depend on how long it's been. I've known fathers who have to start with regular Christmas and birthday cards before they are allowed anywhere near the child.

Original poster
SoftPlayHell0 · 27/02/2020 10:37

Thank you, I have documented everything and have saved all whatsapp messages etc so can prove everything if it was needed

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PumpkinP · 27/02/2020 10:41

Your ex sounds like mine. He use to cancel if it was raining Hmm my ex decided HE didn’t want contact anymore so I never had to stop it. I probably would stop contact in your position.

Flutteringsatlast · 27/02/2020 10:41

My df did this. As a teenager I gave our relationship another go. He wasn't too bad but only due to me going to his house... When I had dc he went back to his old ways. Dc sat at the window waiting for dgf who never showed. We moved and I cut contact.
No regrets.

Whatisthisfuckery · 27/02/2020 10:43

Yeah, he’s clearly not bothered so spare your DS the heartache.

Original poster
SoftPlayHell0 · 27/02/2020 10:45

Ok thank you everyone, I appreciate it

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Floramcfluff · 27/02/2020 10:55

He probably wants you to do he has someone to blame for not seeing his child.
Men like him should just fuck off!

I would send him a message to say he either stops letting your child down or he walks away. Next time he cancels just stop contact.

PanamaPattie · 27/02/2020 10:59

Just don’t contact him anymore. Leave it up to him (he won’t bother) and move on.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 27/02/2020 11:00

I agree with BendyLikeBeckham that the best thing to do is not to tell your DC until he actually turns up. No disappointment, no feeling rejected, no being let down.

Think of his dad like a distant relative who he sees occasionally but who isn't part of his daily life. No need to prevent him seeing him at all. That sounds a bit drastic, and he might blame you for it when he is older.
This is a great idea.

Original poster
SoftPlayHell0 · 27/02/2020 11:37

Yes @BendyLikeBeckham and @NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite this is absolutely the attitude I’ve had towards it to this point as ds has been young enough to not really get the concept of time or mind when visits are sprung on him. But I’m wondering how sustainable this is as when he gets older he’s surely going to wonder why visits are so sporadic and why I can’t answer him when he asks when he will be seeing his dad next. I feel like if it ended now he wouldn’t really even remember him and would therefore be less likely to be hurt.

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OldEvilOwl · 27/02/2020 11:40

Who is arranging the contact? If it's you I would just stop bothering

Original poster
SoftPlayHell0 · 27/02/2020 11:43

He messages me when he feels like it and asks for a particular weekend which I always agree to. I wish that he would just stop tbh so that I don’t have to deal with the guilt of stopping it myself but I need to do what’s best for ds.

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