Should I stop contact completely

[SoftPlayHell0]

Ex has cancelled 11 out of the last 15 times he has arranged to see our 3 year old ds over the last year and a half. He only wants to see him once a month as it is and obviously can’t even begin to manage that. I’m very worried about the emotional effect on ds as he gets older of his father cancelling so frequently. He does not have PR and is unlikely to go to court IMO as he’s very lazy and permanently skint. Should I stop contact completely in an effort to protect ds? He never mentions him and has a supportive family around him on my side. I realise this is a huge decision and I just want what’s best for ds so please be kind

Do what you need to do to protect your dc emotionally.
My experience was ex h (so does have pr) was very intermittent with visits. I told him via text and verbally if you don't turn up within an hour of agreed time they'll be no access (I used to deliberately then go out) by age 2 ds was showing signs of being upset by his dad being a stranger and would just scream when he came. At this point I put it in dad's hands (I never wanted ds to be angry I cut contact) I said you either step up as a dad or leave his life because that would be better for ds than the current situation. Dad chose to not see ds.
DS never blamed me because I never cut the contact. Don't leave yourself open to blame. Ex will probably cut contact if you put rules into place. My ds is now 15 accepts it for what it is and has not let it effect him or our relationship.

It is a really rough situation for you and your child.

I was in this exact situation as a child and can still feel the crushing disappointment of the times my DF did not turn up. I think my DM took to not mentioning to me that he was visiting in case he cancelled but never refused contact. I think that was the right thing for me as constantly being let down used to really upset me and when I did see him he wasn’t a positive person in my life. But importantly it gave me the opportunity to try and build a relationship myself.

I tried to build a relationship in my late teens and twenties and he proved to be just the same. Either wanted me to trek miles to his house, would say he’d visit me but wouldn’t turn up and make a whole host of other empty promises. I couldn’t handle the situation and so haven’t had contact with him for over 15 years now and tbh I’m all the better for it.

I my mums approach both protected me from the hurt but also left the door open for me to make my own choices. It must have been hard for her as I imagine she wanted to refuse to let him ever see me again!

Exactly the same situation here. I’ve stopped contact after 4 years of this (actually, I just told him that - the reality is that he stopped contact by not turning up!) but have made it clear to my dc that if they want to try and reach out to him at any point, they can and I would never be upset by that. They know right now he is a waste of space but I didn’t want them in future to think they’d be upsetting me if they wanted to make contact.
Youngest is 4 and has never had a relationship with him and cries when seeing him. Has only seen him a handful of times.
This was my husband of 15 years and I’m shocked by how vile he has been.

Sorry to hear of your similarly difficult experiences and thank you for replying. Still not sure what to do for the best. I would hate ds to feel like I prevented a relationship with his dad and for him to resent me for it. What is wrong with these men? There is nothing in the world that would make me decide not to see my child

I have documented everything and have saved all whatsapp messages etc so can prove everything if it was needed

Absolutely well done.

Yes, I would cut contact in these circumstances, along the lines of what PPs have suggested - put reasonable rules/boundaries in place as requirement for contact and then allow him to, himself, choose to fade away. Keep all that documentation in place to evidence with both the court and your child (if he should ever reappear, claiming you "wouldn't allow" him to see his child.

Well done and good luck. 💐

@SoftPlayHell0 no idea what is wrong with these men. I’ve tied myself up in knots over this too but reading up on here, I see that it is more harmful to the children to try and force a relationship that is not wanted, than it is to make a decision to say enough is enough.
I have also kept evidence (emails/WhatsApp/text) to show how hard and tried, and for how long.
It is very tough. Friends and family told me to give up a long time ago and it’s only now that I’ve got to the point where enough is actually enough.

The trouble with men like this is they like the idea of having DC, but when the responsibility kicks in they run a mile. They pretend to want to see their DC, but they really just want their former partner to cut contact so they can play the victim.

Yes, he loves to play the victim so I’m sure he would love the opportunity to tell everyone that I’ve stopped him seeing ds as I’m such a heartless bitch...

Thanks for your replies @PicsInRed and @Namechange32H

I wouldn't cut contact. I'd continue as you are but review it as your ds gets older. You might find that the 'dad' steps up a bit more when your ds is older and easier to entertain. He might just drift away himself and not bother, which takes the decision out of your hands. I wouldnt stop contact until it started to impact your ds. Right now, you are doing the right thing. Don't leave yourself open to any blame. I hate parents who behave like your son's 'dad'. He doesn't deserve to be a father when he behaves like this.

OP, I get it. It is shit. They are shit!

Thing is, you don't need to do anything proactive if he is going to stop bothering. You don't need to encourage or persuade him to be a decent father (which is futile anyway), you just have to facilitate reasonable levels of contact if your ex seeks it. So you sit back and see what he does. If he asks to see DC, then make the arrangements on the proviso that he must not cancel. He has to be absolutely committed to whatever you agree. This will either make him resolute to not let them down, or more likely not want to bother. But either way, it does involve you being potentially messed about on future occasions, and there is nothing you can do about this really. But if your DC sees a Great Uncle once a year who is fun for a few hours, brings presents and takes him to the park, but from whom there is no expectation of more, then it won't necessarily damage him and keeps the door open for him to continue the relationship himself when he is a teen, or reject it if he chooses.

What I'm trying to say is that you don't need to draw a line now, and prevent contact forever. It is not a decision you need to make. I have experienced this on both sides, as a child and a resident parent. Even sporadic contact is better than none, assuming no abuse, etc. and if it is handled casually and well by you.

Thanks @BendyLikeBeckham that’s really helpful and I’m going to give it all some more thought

You've got my sympathy OP, because I am in something similar.

It is a terrible waste by him of an opportunity to be an important part of his little boy's life, and like you, I couldn't contemplate failing to move heaven and earth to see my child as much as possible. I just don't get how detached and unbothered some fathers can be. But that is who they are, and how it is. As resident parents, we just have to give our DC the best of ourselves to make up the shortfall, give them love and stability, and I'm sure you do.