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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry - it's a hen do one

58 replies

HattieMid2 · 26/02/2020 22:20

Due to get married at the end of this year, hen do planned for the summer. My bridesmaids have planned it, nothing too extravagant, a weekend away (not abroad), plenty of notice. Everyone I wanted to invite said that they would love to come, would defo be there, etc etc.
However, they have now ALL cancelled now that it's time to book.

My main issue is that none of them have approached me to tell me that they can't make it. I have heard this through my bridesmaids, who have reluctantly told me as we now need to rearrange everything as there will only be the five of us together for the weekend.
Two of the people that have cancelled are my SILs who I have seen several times over the last few days and neither has mentioned it.

AIBU to be absolutely gutted? I am very lucky to have amazing friends who will plan a lovely celebration, but they don't live near me so I will be travelling alone on the morning of my hen do to meet them, which stings a bit. 10 of my friends/family have cancelled ☹️

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 26/02/2020 23:27

It will be because of the bridesmaids and they don’t want to tell you so are avoiding it.

emilybrontescorsett · 26/02/2020 23:44

Just go with the 5 of you.
I think it's really bad to agree to something and then back out at the last minute, especially if the bride had been on your hen do.

LuluBellaBlue · 26/02/2020 23:53

Don’t take it personally, 2 things worth pointing out:
Corona Virus - I was due to book and pay for several trips for this year. I have put everything on hold and will not pay for any trips even UK ones as given the state of affairs right now the whole country might go into lock down
Them not telling you - when I’ve been unable to make a Hen do I’ve told the organiser not the bride as felt it was better that way than her receiving the no thanks directly

MockingJay27 · 27/02/2020 08:09

Your friends are dicks. Even if it is because of the price they would have known whether or not they could afford it before now, and should have contacted you directly. Have a lovely time with your bridesmaids who sound fab. Don't waste your energy in future with the others x

EvaHarknessRose · 27/02/2020 08:14

Yeah, you need to find out what's gone on before you feel let down. Glad it's sorted though and ime you will have more fun as a small friends group.

OlaEliza · 27/02/2020 08:16

Maybe they haven't contacted you because hens are sometimes a surprise for the bride and they don't know what you know about it.

Change it to a one evening and less expensive event and you'll probably find more people can make it.

Kimbaland · 27/02/2020 08:20

Unfortunately this is really common, I've been on several hen dos that started as 20 odd people and ended up in single figures.

I was also invited to one hen do, which I accepted and paid 250 quid for, then turned out I wasn't invited to the wedding! But that's not relevant, just still stings a bit 😂😂

TonyChestnut · 27/02/2020 08:52

I understand the choice of event/venue wasn't yours, but...

Back when dinosaurs walked this earth, a hen do would involve a trip to the local Italian restaurant and maybe on to dance the night away at Cinderella Rockerfellas.

Nowadays, everyone thinks you need a weekend away, or longer. That you have to spend hundreds of pounds. And a hen weekend isn't a hen weekend unless at least one of you comes back with chlamydia. Then people surprised when people decline!

As I say, this isn't your fault. The world's gone mad! Grin

TonyChestnut · 27/02/2020 08:53

people are surprised

HolesinTheSoles · 27/02/2020 08:54

I think they should have told you directly or voiced reservations at the time. I do think entire weekends are difficult for lots of people so it's probably nothing to do with you OP. I would arrange a nice night out or day event OP then maybe a small intimate weekend away at some other time with your close friends.

Original poster
HattieMid2 · 27/02/2020 08:56

Thanks for all your replies, sorry to hear similar has happened to others, it's a horrible feeling!
Your messages have helped lots though.

I've put my positive pants on and organised a meal close to home for those that have cancelled - got a few apologies back for not mentioning to me they couldn't come etc etc.

You guys are right, my bridesmaids are fab and we will have a lovely time just the five of us ❤️

OP posts:
fishonabicycle · 27/02/2020 08:57

That is pretty shitty of your friends.

singme · 27/02/2020 09:26

It’s really hard when you are all spread out over the country as it really does end up being a weekend away for at least some of the hens.

I think just the 5 of you will be lovely! The others probably haven’t said anything as they don’t know how much you know!

saraclara · 27/02/2020 09:41

My daughter organised her own hen do, for this sort of reason. She knew what she wanted, she wanted to make sure all her friends and family's needs were accommodated (wide age range, financial situations /health issues/ttravelling distance that her bridesmaids might not know/care about) and to be in communication with everyone.

She's as far from a control freak as it's possible to be, but she was the only one who knew the needs of the guests, and she didn't want anyone not to be able to come, or not to have a good time.

GameSetMatch · 27/02/2020 09:41

I’m sorry but I think a YABU, yes it’s poor not to tell you to your face but if they don’t want to go away for a weekend then they don’t have to. Money worries, childcare issues, change of heart people have more going on in their lives than a hen party. Maybe they didn’t tell you to your face because you are not arranging it or they thought it would ruin a surprise?

Original poster
HattieMid2 · 27/02/2020 09:58

@GameSetMatch yes I agree, that's why I've changed the plans to accommodate as many people as possible 👍

When I posted this I was in tears, very upset, and felt really let down. I love a good hen do (I know they're not for everyone) and was so excited to spend a couple of nights with my closest friends. I've calmed down now and thinking more rationally, and hopefully my solution means the others can make it and we can have a nice evening together ❤️

OP posts:
ClubfootMaestro · 27/02/2020 10:05

Nowadays, everyone thinks you need a weekend away, or longer. That you have to spend hundreds of pounds. And a hen weekend isn't a hen weekend unless at least one of you comes back with chlamydia. Then people surprised when people decline!

Ok, but OP has been on these people’s hen dos and I bet at least some of them had weekend events instead of just a meal at the local Italian. Shitty to expect people to do it for you but not be prepared to do it in return.

Froq · 27/02/2020 10:12

I’ve never understood the point in a hen do. What is the meal for? Is it a celebration of the upcoming wedding?

I was invited to a friend of a friend’s (we’ve only met once) and it consisted of a shopping trip in Dubai followed by a week in Marbella. For those who couldn’t make the holiday, there were two meals out to choose from.

It was like trying to get out of jury duty.

BabyWenger · 27/02/2020 10:16

I've arranged my own, local and cheap. I'm also subsidising it myself and helping to pay for a couple of friends who I know are struggling financially at the moment.

Do you know what the final cost was of the thing your bridesmaids were arranging? I bet it got too expensive.

Original poster
HattieMid2 · 27/02/2020 11:04

I’ve never understood the point in a hen do.
I'm getting married, it's a pretty big deal for me, I wanted to celebrate 🤷‍♀️
I can assure you I didn't invite any friends of friends, they were all close friends/family that I thought would genuinely want to come. If they all say no to the meal too then I might have to accept that we aren't as close as I thought 😂

OP posts:
Surfer25 · 27/02/2020 12:38

I'm getting married, it's a pretty big deal for me, I wanted to celebrate

That's what the wedding is for 🤦🏼‍♀️

The hen do was traditionally your last night of freedom as a single woman.

Most already live together making it pointless

Doobigetta · 27/02/2020 13:00

You’re right about the “last night of freedom”. Stupid concept: you should already not be cheating on the person you’re going to marry, and you shouldn’t give up on your social life once you’re married! Having said that, though, there are an awful lot of (married, with children) women who very rarely turn up for a night out, but who will make the effort for a hen do because it’s “special”. So if you have ever complained that your social life is not what it once was, not having a hen do is a bit of an own goal.

saraclara · 27/02/2020 16:19

I'd never been to a hen do until my daughter's. I loved it because when else would you get all the generations of female family and friends (including groom's family) together in relaxed and celebratory mood? It was lovely to get to know everyone, and reconnect with others. It was a really lovely atmosphere.

Nowayorhighway · 27/02/2020 16:35

Guessing it was too expensive for them, they probably didn’t think it would be so much when they agreed to it. They should have told you though rather than going through other people, that is quite cowardly and shitty of them.

As a side note, I can’t believe people are delaying trips even within the UK because of coronavirus. Utterly ridiculous.

emilybrontescorsett · 27/02/2020 18:25

I suppose back in the day it was a time for women and girls? To enjoy some time together away from the drudgery of home. Females were not welcome in pubs or clubs. Instead the bride to be would believing at home serving her father and brothers. The hen do gave her and her mother, sisters, aunties, cousins etc the one chance to escape a night of cooking and scrubbing and waiting on her father and male relatives. After her marriage, the bride would be expected to stay at home cooking and waiting on her new husband, then having children and caring for them.
No wonder the hen do was born!

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