Is stress a good enough excuse for the way he acted?

[FuckityFuckit]

I'll admit our (DH and I) situation is pretty stressful at the moment. We are dealing with fertility issues and are just about to start off on the IVF journey.

Today I was having surgical management of a miscarriage.

Long story short DH has been fucking horrid on the way home. Saying how he just can't come to anymore appointments, he doesn't have the time, he's got too much else to do (self employed), he can't just sit on his arse all day again and so I'll have to sort my mum or something coming next time.

He was really nasty as well when he was saying it just screaming that he's too stressed with all this and to just leave him alone. Literally as he's driving me home from fucking surgery.

I've basically told him he's an arse, if it's all too inconvenient for him to go and find someone else who isn't a hassle.

I'm so so upset. He knows how much of a failure I feel (fertility issues are with me) and now he's just made me feel like a giant inconvenience on top of that.

We're supposed to be having IVF and I just don't feel confident now that he's committed enough to support me through this.

He kept saying not everything is about me as if I have a choice to be going through this. And maybe I am being selfish here but surely today, of all days, then yeah things should be about me, and supporting me.

I've told him to drop me off at my mum's instead of taking me home. I don't want to be around someone right now who thinks I'm just a pain in the backside and they have better things to do with their time.

I honestly felt guilty whilst I was sat in bed waiting to be released because I could tell he was getting grumpier. Like I had to thank him for coming and say sorry for it taking so long.

He's trying to be nice now but I don't want to look at him. Surely I should be able to rely on my husband at a time like this not to make me feel even worse.

We have to go down to London (about 5 hours from us) for the various appointments and he'd honestly be happy to let me go alone or with someone else.

I've told him to let me know now if this is all too much for him so I can leave and find someone who actually wants to do this with me.

Is this just stress or is he a fucking arse (like I feel he is right now)?

If he is self employed, missing so much work, and therefore money, is going to cause him a lot of stress. He probably doesnt see the value of being at the appointments with you. Other than today, where you actually needed him, can you go alone for other appointments?

Are you working at the moment?

normally I'd say straightforwardly - no, it's not an excuse
BUT it does sound really stressful for both of you
if this is a one off, out of character, and he sincerely apologises, I'd say it may be an excuse
but if he does this frequently, is otherwise horrible, and explains himself with 'look what you made me do/say' or similar- then I'd be asking myself do I want this man to be the father of my kids

I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but do you really want him to be the father of your children ?he sounds awful

His behaviour is disgusting. The way he spoke to you on the way back from hospital is awful. Yanbu to consider he may not be the man to do this journey with.

It's a valid point to consider and discuss about time off if hes self employed. But not today.and not like that.

I'm sure he's stressed, but so aren't you. Aren't we all over one thing or another? However, his behaviour is abusive and totally unacceptable. Being stressed is not an excuse to be so horrible. If I were you, I would be rethinking trying for a baby with him until you have a chance to really think about this. If this is how he handles stress, I cringe to think how he would handle parenthood. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Is this out of character? If it is cut him some slack. It’s hard for him too. He shouldn’t have behaved like that but no one is perfect.

If this is a regular thing then you would be best to seriously consider your future.

Good luck whatever happens

What’s he usually like? That’s pretty bad but did he literally start screaming at you apropos of nothing??

If he’s self-employed he’s probably losing out on a lot of money. Is he solely or mostly responsible for the bills?

I can’t imagine DH treating me like this. but then, your losses are his too.

Some relationships can’t withstand IVF. Some people just can’t handle it.

When was the last time you discussed it? Has he changed his mind?

It’s so shit for you and he shouldn’t treat you this way but it is a HIGH stress situation.

Sounds like he's stressed with everything as is expected. It's a difficult time. He probably feels totally helpless and useless as he can't do a lot at the moment physically to make things better. He probably hasn't gone about it the best way but if he doesn't make money if he's not working being self employed it's probably tough. Not justifying what he's said but it's maybe something that should be cuddled out tomorrow when you've both had time to reflect and calm.

Sorry you're having a tough time xx

Cleary stress is getting to him and he is certainly being a massive arse making you feel like that. Being self employed is understandably adding to the stress but no excuse for this. However- he may have valid fears and concerns and thoughts about this journey you are both going on but maybe the fact that the focus is on you medically makes it harder for him to validate and confront his own emotions in a way? Not excusing his behaviour but you both may need to talk to someone separately to deal with how to go about this emotional process as a team supporting each other.

OP, so sorry for you.
His behaviour was appalling, just appalling.

The fact you are posting makes me wonder is it a complete one off.

IVF is grueling. Not for the faint hearted.

If this truly is a one off and completely out of character, then awful though it was I would cut him some slack.

If this is a regular thing I would no more be trying to have a coffee not to mind a baby with him, because he's a nasty arse.

Which is it?

Jesus Christ. As other PPs have said, there may have been room for a grown up discussion about self-employment and how much time he can afford to take off and which appointments you therefore feel you could tough out on your own but this is so far from that.

Yes, is a stressful situation (for both of you) but what does he think parenting is going to entail? If he's this vile to you at the beginning of the journey I can't imagine you're keen to sign up for 18+ years of the same.

If this is an absolute one-off and is filed by a grovelling apology and proper conversation, then perhaps he can start making you feel secure enough to want to bear his fucking child. If not, I think you're better off out of it.

Is he now being nice only because he doesn't want the embarrassment of knowing that your mum knows the awful things he's said?

Is he the main wage earner? Are you paying for ivf? When I was main earner and dh was a sahd I felt an awful amount of pressure and I wasnt self employed.

You both need a bit of space and an open and honest chat about ivf

I hope you're letting your mum take care of you right now. You can take some time to recover then discuss this properly with him.

Stress isn't an excuse for this. It may be a reason but that doesn't make it ok - he should be supporting you today and bringing up any other issues another time.

FWIW we went through fertility testing and treatment (not IVF). Issues are my side so I understand the awful guilt and while my DH did raise concerns that it may be too much for me etc, he never shouted at me or made me feel bad. Our jobs were to get through the treatment and support each other.

Thanks all. I've calmed down a little now ha.

To answer some questions:

I always always either go to appointments alone or say if he's got a big job on or whatever then my mum will come to the ones I can't go alone to (like today when I had to have someone to drive me home). I go alone to appointments regularly so he can work and I honestly don't mind but it pissed me off that this seemed to go completely unappreciated tonight.

He is self employed yes so whilst I can understand the losing money, he is one partner out of two so there was still someone in work today making money. It wasn't as if he closed shop for the day. But I appreciate this isn't the same as having both of them in and getting on with things.

This is out of character usually however he does have form for not dealing with stressful situations very well and we've had arguements in the past about him taking his stress out on me by getting grumpy, being argumentative etc.. I just thought today of all days was really not appropriate. I said I would never do this if things were reversed and he said he knows but he just can't.

He isn't the main wage earner at the moment. We actually earn pretty much identically at the moment. Although he has more potential if business goes well in terms of salary than I do.

We are not paying for IVF. We are having NHS funding due to my particular condition and the possibility of passing something onto the baby although they believe it's possible for me to carry to term, this is a more sure way of making sure baby doesn't have problems (if it's successful obviously).

He is good usually, but this shocked me. I just thought really? Now? You're going to do this now? When I'm half asleep in the passenger seat dosed up on pain killers and bleeding after a shit day.

Someone asked about my work, I've been off for about two weeks. But I'm due back on Monday. Work are great though and I am receiving full pay for those two weeks so there's no stress there.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. You need support and his attitude towards this was not right at all. I hope you're okay

Are you sure he still wants this, @FuckityFuckit?

When was the last time you discussed it?

It’s not ok for him to take stress out on you, especially today.

Did he apologise?

Why are you going so far for appointments? IVF is an incredibly stressful process - we’re on round 3 and as much as it has made us stronger at points, it has both made us act completely out of character at points and do stupid, hurtful things to deal with it. If it’s a one off, you can deal with it, but if you are undergoing IVF, it won’t get any less stressful. Wishing you loads of luck.

he does have form for not dealing with stressful situations very well and we've had arguements in the past about him taking his stress out on me by getting grumpy, being argumentative etc
If he can't cope wih your surgical miscarriage - how is he going to cope with a screaming baby, a naughty toddler, an arsey adolescent?

I just thought today of all days was really not appropriate
Screaming at you because he is "stressed" would never be appropriate.
The fact that he did it today, while driving you home from a horrible, distressing surgery is outrageous.

I said I would never do this if things were reversed and he said he knows but he just can't.
He's just told you who he is. Listen up.

Do you really want this man, who cannot cope with YOUR mc, to father your children OP?

I am so sorry for everything you are going through, & hope you can have a few days with your mum being properly looked after.

A lot of people will tell you that he is acting terribly etc. and on the face of it he is. But I have recently had IVF and two miscarriages, and at times it has brought out the worst in my partner. She is normally lovely and caring and supportive, but she is finding it hard to cope with everything whilst at the same time trying to be strong for me, and at times this leads to shitty behaviour (manifesting itself in ways I would be told are terrible and selfish and nasty if I posted about them). But with kind eyes I can see why - they have no "control" over it (nor do we of course, but for example I always know if I am bleeding or not and she has to wonder and worry the whole time, I have passed out from the pain and she has had to catch me and look after me) and feel stressed and worried and unhappy but know they have to support - it's a complex situation.

So I think it depends if this is indicative of wider behaviour of if it is just poor coping with what is a really, really shit situation. Only you can know that.

Sorry for what you are going through and good luck with IVF - be gentle on yourself xxx

It's really bad that he spoke to you like at such a terrible time for you. Does he think you're not stressed, ffs? Imagine if you left him to go to appointments alone and then spoke to him like that?

He's being an arse. My friend went abroad to get ivf as she was too old to get it here in NHS, her partner was with her every step of the way.

And if you are lucky enough to get pregnant? Is he going to be so very stressed about having a baby in the house? So stressed? What is he going to do? Run away, would be my guess

I think men / Partners do get a bit lost in the IVF journey, I know that when I was dealing with infertility I sort of lost track of my partner and his feelings and although in theory I cared about how he was coping and what he thought, with hindsight (3 years down the line now) I can see that I had tunnel vision (I imagine most ppl going through the same would, it’s totally understandable). But I really did only think about how the journey was affecting me.
Your partner really may be struggling with everything, it doesn’t mean he’s not committed but let’s be honest, there’s sod all he can actually do to help, except be supportive and understanding. But we’re all human, sometimes we’re arseholes to the people we love the most.

If this is a one off and totally out of character I’d be tempted to write it off, he does need to take care of you as you go through the appointments and eventual procedures but you do also need to to take care of him too. You’re a partnership and I can guarantee you’ll need to do the same when baby arrives, you have to look out for each other because it’s very very easy to end up on opposite teams.

But today she was having surgical management of a miscarriage. If he can't be kind to her during that, then god help her.

Ok OP, well you know best.
But it's not really out of character for him. He takes his stress out on you.
He's behaved very very badly.
Please mind yourself.