Is stress a good enough excuse for the way he acted?

[FuckityFuckit]

I'll admit our (DH and I) situation is pretty stressful at the moment. We are dealing with fertility issues and are just about to start off on the IVF journey.

Today I was having surgical management of a miscarriage.

Long story short DH has been fucking horrid on the way home. Saying how he just can't come to anymore appointments, he doesn't have the time, he's got too much else to do (self employed), he can't just sit on his arse all day again and so I'll have to sort my mum or something coming next time.

He was really nasty as well when he was saying it just screaming that he's too stressed with all this and to just leave him alone. Literally as he's driving me home from fucking surgery.

I've basically told him he's an arse, if it's all too inconvenient for him to go and find someone else who isn't a hassle.

I'm so so upset. He knows how much of a failure I feel (fertility issues are with me) and now he's just made me feel like a giant inconvenience on top of that.

We're supposed to be having IVF and I just don't feel confident now that he's committed enough to support me through this.

He kept saying not everything is about me as if I have a choice to be going through this. And maybe I am being selfish here but surely today, of all days, then yeah things should be about me, and supporting me.

I've told him to drop me off at my mum's instead of taking me home. I don't want to be around someone right now who thinks I'm just a pain in the backside and they have better things to do with their time.

I honestly felt guilty whilst I was sat in bed waiting to be released because I could tell he was getting grumpier. Like I had to thank him for coming and say sorry for it taking so long.

He's trying to be nice now but I don't want to look at him. Surely I should be able to rely on my husband at a time like this not to make me feel even worse.

We have to go down to London (about 5 hours from us) for the various appointments and he'd honestly be happy to let me go alone or with someone else.

I've told him to let me know now if this is all too much for him so I can leave and find someone who actually wants to do this with me.

Is this just stress or is he a fucking arse (like I feel he is right now)?

Sorry, OP, it sounds like he is generally not nice. Do you really want a child with this man?

It's upsetting reading some posters minimising his verbal abuse of you. He sounds like a real pig and just one of this episode is enough to be a deal breaker. Yes, it's hard for him, too. But YOU are the one who has to go through the pain, the miscarriage, the bleeding, the cramps, the surgery, the hormone medication, even watching what you drink or eat. What does he have to do? Drive you to appointments! What a hero!

If anyone has the right to lose it due to stress AND physical pain, it is you. Stress or not, there is zero, I repeat, ZERO justification for getting nasty and verbally abusing you when you have just had surgery and are bleeding. There is never, ever, ever justification for his shouting and nasty abuse. Never. Especially when you are so vulnerable. When someone shows you who they are, believe it. I really don't like the whole LTB thing, but I think you are truly better off getting out of this relationship and marriage now, before any children do come into it. Some men start becoming abusive when the wife is pregnant. This will only escalate into something worse when your child is born. Your marriage to this abusive man has disaster written all over it. If he cannot cope now, he will not cope with a screaming baby or annoying loud toddler/child.

Please cancel IVF with him now, and get out of this marriage. Stay at your mothers permanently. Or until he leaves the house.

Your dh is allowed to be stressed, and allowed to be upset, however that us no excuse for treating you so badly, this day in particular.

I'd seriously gave a good think if IVF is a good idea with someone who seems unable to deal with stress without taking it out on you

I’m sad for you op as it must have been horrible to have him behaving like that at a time when it was the last thing you needed.

How much sense you can make of all of this will depend on how good he is at communicating his feelings and if you can broach all of this when he’s had proper time to calm down. Sounds like he’s just totally unable to deal with anything reasonably at the moment.

Although he’s shouting about work and sitting around on his arse, it’s not really about work. Work is just the place of escape. Sitting there seeing this happen to you and feeling powerless to help must be stressful and there’s a chance that he’s realising he doesn’t want a baby desperately enough for him to accept that this will be the journey to get there. It’s a difficult discussion that you need to have.

Is it possible for you to have a day apart, just so you can both completely let the anger die down and then discuss this from a much calmer perspective?

I totally agree with you that he WBU in behaving as he did - it was not supportive at all - but I think rather than focusing on if it was justified due to the stress I think I’d be thinking more about whether his reaction to pregnancy related stress bodes well for his ability to cope as further problems arise

He sounds like the last thing he wants is a baby. Tell me you can see that clearly as well. Why would you even consider ivf if this is how he behaves? He is showing you who he is.

When people tell you who they are - listen to them. He is not someone I would want as a partner, nevermind as the father to my children

So when you know he's feeling stressed, do you try not to do anything to set him off? Feel like you're walking on eggshells?

He sounds abusive to me. He's certainly not good father material, and I think it would be a mistake having a child with him.

I think you need a long hard think about your future.

I'm so sorry for your loss.