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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend's controlling husband

31 replies

Yourteaisgettingcold · 26/02/2020 16:48

Name changed so its not linked to my other posts, for my friend's sake more than mine.

I have a friend whose husband has said he wants a divorce, he said this to her a couple of months ago but they still live together in the marital home together as they cannot afford for either to move out. He has made no effort to actually do anything about the divorce other than tell her he wants one.

Whenever my friend says she is going to go on a night out he gives her aggravation and effectively emotionally blackmails her into not going, for example, he will say shes obviously going out to meet men or spend the evening in the company of other men and because she doesnt want to get divorced she then doesnt go out and see friends.

I've tried supporting her and being there for her as much as possible but I'm finding it more and more difficult because she cancels plans with me almost every time due to her ex making her feel that going for a night out is wrong.

I dont know what I can do as he has almost banned her from seeing me as I'm single.

WIBU to cut almost all ties with her and just wait till she comes back as a friend, if she comes back at all? I know shes having a hard time but I'm having a hard time at the moment myself, I'm a single parent so dont get much free time to myself so I'm just a bit tired of my plans with her cancelling last minute because of her controlling ex and then being left sitting home alone because shes cancelled yet again and I'd made plans with her, not other friends.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 26/02/2020 16:54

Yanbu it's sucks her DH is controlling but she shouldn't be making plans with you just to cancel them. That's not fair.

Original poster
Yourteaisgettingcold · 26/02/2020 19:57

Thanks for replying, I feel the same but feel bad even considering 'cutting her off' when shes being controlled.

OP posts:
JenNtonic · 26/02/2020 20:07

In my experience, the WORST thing you can do is isolate her. Yes, cancelled plans are annoying but if you give up altogether, he's kind of "won" IYSWIM. Xx how about drinks at yours or hers or a day date ? So you still get to see each other and his "out to meet other men" seems highly unlikely to him and his warped reasoning. Fight fire with fire 🤷‍♀️ xx

Original poster
Yourteaisgettingcold · 26/02/2020 20:26

I've tried that, even when she comes to mine for a drink she will have one drink and then go home as shes worried about what he will say. He leaves ber with all childcare so she cant do day things at the weekend.

I really dont want to isolate her, which is why I woulsnt close myself off to her entirely but I just feel I really csnt be making plans that rely on her when she cancels each time because hes kicked off

OP posts:
AvoidingRealHumans · 26/02/2020 20:53

I wouldn't make any more plans that could be cancelled but definitely be there for her. Even if she only pops over for one drink at least she knows she has a friend in you. Maybe make group plans so if she cancels, your plans aren't totally ruined. It's hard being a friend to someone in this situation but it's harder to be the one living it.
Cut her some slack and hope she gets out of it soon and regains her freedom.

WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 26/02/2020 20:58

I would tell her to hurry the divorce up

HAhelp101 · 26/02/2020 21:01

Can you not do something with her and her kids?

ByeMF · 26/02/2020 21:05

Yabfu. Poor woman. He's a controlling bastard who has ruined her self esteem. Please be there for her.

Justtryingtobehelpful · 26/02/2020 21:14

Both of you read these books

Thus one to understand why do had internalised what he says to and about her
How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser by Don Hennessy
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_W8TvEbSQG7ZB6?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

This one too figure out what type of short he is.....
Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

Justtryingtobehelpful · 26/02/2020 21:15

Abuser not short*

cstaff · 26/02/2020 21:44

Could you make plans that include another friend so if she does cancel you are not completely let down.

Original poster
Yourteaisgettingcold · 26/02/2020 21:56

ByeMF I, myself, have left a violent, emotionally abusive, controlling husband who I am in the process of divorcing so I know what she is going through with her controlling husband. I'm not saying I wont be there for her, I'm saying that I dont know what more to do other than wait in the wings till she has the strength to leave him.

She knows I will always be here even if I take a step back.

OP posts:
Savingshoes · 26/02/2020 21:57

He's not just controlling her but also controlling you.
You will need to decide if that's something you want as part of your life or move forward without her.

Original poster
Yourteaisgettingcold · 26/02/2020 21:58

cstaff I've tried that, her kids do a lot of sports clubs etc that my child csnt join in with as they are different ages and then, because of the very big age gap, it rarely works out.

Her husband also generally finds a way to stop she and I spending time together somehow, it's hard to explain it but he always finds an excuse and a way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yourteaisgettingcold · 26/02/2020 22:00

Savingshoes this is something I am also VERY aware of as her husband is friends with mine. It's taken me to reach rock bottom with my husbands behaviour to leave him and stop him controlling me, I dont want him controlling me through her/them or also me in some ways being used to control her.

OP posts:
DebbieLeigh · 27/02/2020 06:17

Being there for her is the best thing to do 😍

CareBear50 · 27/02/2020 07:49

Make plans with at least two friends. If she drops out, no problem......your group has just reduced by one person. That way your friend won't feel left out

SnoozyLou · 27/02/2020 08:04

He wants a divorce, but he wants her to never go out again? That sounds fair!

I can understand your frustration. If it was me, I wouldn't necessarily cut her off, but I just wouldn't make plans to go out. And if she kept trying to, I'd just tell her why.

Obviously this relationship is completely dysfunctional, but she has to work that out for herself and get there in her own time.

UniversalAunt · 27/02/2020 08:17

I suggest that you persuade your friend to meet a solicitor who specialises in family law to find out how SHE can divorce her husband on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviours, & what her rights (financial & housing) are in this situation.

She may be entitled to legal aid or not, but the first step is to contact a good firm to make enquiries. The Law Society web site has a find-a-solicitor function that you can search by specialist, i.e. family law.

I assume that you have done the same.

It is also worth contacting Womens Aid as soon as possible for guidance & support.

Your priority is your own safety & wellbeing - always.

Original poster
Yourteaisgettingcold · 27/02/2020 12:28

I've tried getting her to see how one sided their 'relationship' is and how its mad he thinks he still has the right to dictate what she does even though he says they arent together. Problem is he knows she will do anything to stay with him so he gets away with it.

I think not making plans and explaining to her why is a good one as I really dont know what I can do to make her see sense and though I know she has to realise it herself I just wish she would realise soon for her own sake. I dont want to lose her as a friend but it is hard to see and also deal with when I'm being dropped like a sack of potatoes time and time again.

I've repeatedly told her to speak to a solicitor but she hasnt, i think because it will feel like the split is real if she does.

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 27/02/2020 13:53

OP, I honestly don't see what else you can do. It sounds to me that she will probably get there on her own eventually, but if you push, given the situation, he's going to paint you as the bad guy - that you've split up with your ex and you're causing trouble in their marriage. He sounds like a manipulative shit, so I wouldn't give him any ammunition. Let him make her mind up, all on his own.

By the same token, I wouldn't be happy to keep having plans cancelled, and I'd be open about this. I wouldn't cut ties with her completely though.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/02/2020 13:59

Don't cut her off, she probably needs you more than ever now. What a cunt he sounds, he wants a divorce but doesn't want her meeting other men........I'd bet money on him meeting other women though

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 27/02/2020 14:01

Abusive spouses deliberately isolate their partners from friends and family. I'd let her know you're always there for her.

SnoozyLou · 27/02/2020 14:04

Also, should say, and this may sound harsh, but it must be incredibly frustrating for you when she repeatedly offloads all these problems, you point out the glaringly obvious, yet she still persists on pursuing a hiding to nothing.

And she's doesn't have to keep letting you down. She is a grown woman and could either not make arrangements with you, or stop being coerced into letting you down all the time. While I'd have some sympathy, the situation isn't fair on you as it stands.

Fundays12 · 27/02/2020 14:07

I would be honest with her and say you want to continue to make plans with her but feel you can’t as she is always letting you down. Let her know that it’s upsetting you and you look forward to these nights out as they are your downtime as a lone parent. It might help her put things in perspective as she may not realise she is upsetting you.

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