Friend's controlling husband

[Yourteaisgettingcold]

Name changed so its not linked to my other posts, for my friend's sake more than mine.

I have a friend whose husband has said he wants a divorce, he said this to her a couple of months ago but they still live together in the marital home together as they cannot afford for either to move out. He has made no effort to actually do anything about the divorce other than tell her he wants one.

Whenever my friend says she is going to go on a night out he gives her aggravation and effectively emotionally blackmails her into not going, for example, he will say shes obviously going out to meet men or spend the evening in the company of other men and because she doesnt want to get divorced she then doesnt go out and see friends.

I've tried supporting her and being there for her as much as possible but I'm finding it more and more difficult because she cancels plans with me almost every time due to her ex making her feel that going for a night out is wrong.

I dont know what I can do as he has almost banned her from seeing me as I'm single.

WIBU to cut almost all ties with her and just wait till she comes back as a friend, if she comes back at all? I know shes having a hard time but I'm having a hard time at the moment myself, I'm a single parent so dont get much free time to myself so I'm just a bit tired of my plans with her cancelling last minute because of her controlling ex and then being left sitting home alone because shes cancelled yet again and I'd made plans with her, not other friends.

Totally disagree with SnoozyLou: its very simplistic to say she's a "grown woman" but that doesn't account for the way men like this can isolate their partners.

As someone who has previously been in your friend's position (albeit I was the one driving the divorce) PLEASE PLEASE don't stop making plans with her. The worst thing you can do with someone like this is make them feel even worse and more emotionally torn.

She will be under enough pressure from her emotionally abusive husband: if you then guilt her about cancelling it will reinforce whatever he's telling her and do worse damage to her self-esteem. And make it harder for her to get away from him.

Yes its frustrating to be constantly let down by someone, particularly when you both know why its happening, but at the moment her need is greater than yours. You have to be the bigger person.

Make contingency plans, assume that everything you do with her is likely to be cancelled. If you make a back-up plan and follow through every once in a while it will bring home to her how much stress this is putting on others. But please don't abandon her.

She needs to stop giving advance notice of her going out, he can't give her shit then

Be honest with her and tell her that there's no point making plans to go out with her anymore, but you are always there for her as a listening ear.

@thepeopleversuswork I have also been in that position, and indeed, I was a grown woman who could make her own choices. You can't force someone to see sense if they don't want to. Push too hard and you'll just alienate her.

OP is also going through a divorce. As a single parent, I can't imagine it's always easy to arrange a night out. To keep having that cancelled must be incredibly frustrating - it's a valuable bit of social time. What do you suggest as a plan B - arrange to go out with someone else and keep cancelling on them?

If she can’t go out then go to her, unless you think this will cause him to be violent.
Don’t give him the reigns.

I cannot go to her house when he may be there as he is friend s with my stbx (also abusive) husband. My husband is also orchestrating the situation in such a way so that my friend's and my plans fail by either lying or massively stretching the truth to my friends husband causing him to kick off. It's all very messy and I really dont want to cut my friend off entirely as I know what it's like all too well but it has had an affect on my own downtime (of which I get very little) and it really is so hard for me to see my friend going through something similar to what I did before I left my husband.

Problem is she always has to give him advance notice so he stays in with their kids, I've gently advised she organises an alternative weekend with him so she can just do what she wants and not have to tell him where she is but she wont do that and he will still demand to know where shes going anyway.