To want my child to be able to go to school all day every day and to be in bits because it's probably never going to happen and I'm utterly beyond exhausted and fed up with it all?

[HerstoryRepeatsItself]

DS is 9 and autistic. He's been at two mainstream schools both of which failed him terribly and has now started at a small specialist school. He's only doing 3 afternoons (1.30-3.30pm) a week and there is no indication that this will change any time soon. This school is literally the only school within 50 miles and 3 local authority areas that was a) suitable for an extremely bright and academically able child but who has violent and challenging behaviour and who can't cope in a mainstream school and b) actually had a place for him.

It's been 2 years since he was at school full time and I'm just at fucking breaking point. He's lovely and very chatty and bright but I just need a break. I work from home, which I don't want to give up, so on the 2 days he is home all day I have to work while he plays and watched TV on his own etc. The 3 days he is at school, we try and do stuff in the mornings and then it's a 30 minute drive so I just have to sit and wait in the car while he's there as there's no point coming home again. Sometimes I whizz to Tesco to get shopping in etc but he is not there long enough for me to get to a decent sized town and back so mostly I just sit and dick around on MN while I wait for him.

We live somewhere rural and poor, so there just aren't lots of things to do. The library is hardly open, there isn't a museum for 25 miles, local home ed groups are mostly for younger children and full of mums who are somewhat sniffy about the fact I would rather DS was in school! And lots of their meets are in the afternoons anyway, when I'm ferrying DS to his 2 hours of education.

His world is so small and boring and I'm devastated for him. His dad isn't around (long story) so I'm all he has, my family are useless and I'm low contact with them. He's so so so clever and desperate to learn and make friends and there is just nothing for him. I'd move to somewhere with more options, but I have 2 older DC in crucial years of secondary education so that's not realistic for another 3 years or so.

I feel terrible even saying this but I'm so fed up of him being at home so much. I adore him but I am worn out, I have no patience for yet another fucking role play board game, I just want the mental break that dropping him at school at 9am and knowing that was me free until 3pm would give me.

There is literally no service to help me btw so whilst I'm open to suggestions, I don't think there is anything to be done. He sleeps at night so I don't get respite or a disability social worker etc! As apparently that's all the break I need. It just makes me so fucking angry that DS isn't getting what he is legally entitled to and that basically, nobody gives a shit

What makes me so angry is the knock on impact this has- yes I'm angry for you on a personal basis, but also on the parents and children in poverty as a result of the additional care needed.

On Facebook Sunshine Support, Educational Equality, Education Matters all offer support as well.

I'm so sorry. It sounds terrible, you are being failed. People and authorities take several steps back to avoid taking ownership, which leaves you and your son adrift. Good luck.

I'm so sorry for you, HerStory. No advice from me, it isn't an area with which I am familiar but feel there must be something somebody can do for your son (& you). I really hope someone else will have some good suggestions, your situation is awful at the moment.

It sounds shit and I'm not surprised that you are at your wits end but it is what it is.

My suggestion would be to accept that you have got 3 x 2hr sessions waiting outside the school and make them into some kind of me time - not brilliant, but those are 6 hours where you don't have any choice but to just be there so you can do whatever you want to fill the time as you choose.

I was in a similar situation, although it was an hour and a half outside dance lessons and I took up knitting. I decided that I could make use of my time making items for charity. Make sure you have a flask of coffee/chocolate/etc.

Other suggestions

• Read a book
• paint/manicure your nails
• go for a walk/jog
• can you make phone calls - either social or work
• download a radio play/tv programme
• take up knitting/crochet/cross-stitch/sketching/macrame - loads of tutorials on YouTube
• write a report or the novel you've always fancied doing but never have the time

Can't think of anything else at the moment but the important thing is to find a way to use that time productively even if it is only taking a nap.

As for the root cause of the issue, have you tried your MP?

Been told we can't get a taxi until he is doing normal school hours?
You CAN get a taxi for a child that is not doing normal school hours. Those are just words, not anything that is legal. In fact when a child is not doing normal hours it is even more likely transport is needed because it is outside the time of regular school buses etc.

Something about the contracts they have with the taxi firm
It does not matter about their current contract with their current taxi firm, they are not limited to one taxi firm, or standard routes. It is about YOUR child and then meeting their needs, it is not for the convenience of the LEA/taxi firm.They can change it, or start an additonal contract with another taxi firm. Children change schools, their needs change all the time and hence the times a taxi is needed for also changes. A contract is not written in stone every September, it changes constantly depending on the needs of the children.

So they're paying my mileage to take him ATM
That's brilliant! Announce you cannot do it anymore - it is none of their business why, although you can of course make up an excuse. As they pay your milage (which is very difficult to get) it means they accept your child needs to go to that school at that time. You are half way there. Just say from a certain date you cannot do it anymore and stick to it (regardless of the pressure, and sometimes threats, that they will give you). This happened to us at the end of this September, we stated we could no longer do the trip - like you it would have meant hanging around for hours waiting, though we did not tell them that was why, just said we cannot do it. They tried every excuse in the book as to why they couldn't supply a taxi with escort - by the first week of October when they realised we were not intimidated by them, they supplied a taxi/escort which is working out very well.

Awwww your opening post made me sad for you both .

YANBU Op.

Can you move to a city or town? There will be much more going on and getting around will be easier for you.
My sympathies, we were rural and moved, we have a son with aspergers, he managed mainstream school just, but they failed him miserably.
With moving he had better opportunities and has finally left home at 25 and seems to managing ok with the help of his partner.
Obviously mine doesn't sound within the same need as your ds, but the move from country to town really helped him.

The school is at fault here not the LA

The LA is paying school for a full time place, and I bet it's not cheap. The school are the ones digging heels in.

Has SENDIASs been any help? I would request a multiagency meeting and extract a weekly rollout plan for him getting in full time. If they say they can't then ask what they would need to make it happen (eg, additional hours of support on top of placement costs) and get it put in the EHCP before it is finalised.

Sorry it's so tough No practical suggestions, I was just wondering if you have a decent local MP - it might be worth contacting them to ask for help. Sometimes the various agencies who are supposed to be helping you suddenly become more helpful if an MP gets involved...

PS Or local councillor(s)
www.writetothem.com/

We’re home full time. It’s exhausting. I agree transport would be a game changer for you.

If he is finishing at normal time could they at least taxi him home? Might not be alot of help but a first step at least and you could have a couple of hours free rather than just sitting there.

I've speed-read the thread so I don't know if anyone else has suggested it, but could you contact your MP, and keep contacting (pestering) them until they take notice of you? Good luck, it sounds like an awful situation.

I have no advice but I totally understand how hard it is. DS is 9 and has autism. Thankfully he is well
Supported in mainstream but I would go mad if he was at home all the time so hugs 🤗

Hopefully things will be turn out okay for your son and you soon! Children are being let down massively and it’s so sad 😞

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

I am in a similar situation. It's soul-destroying. The 'suggestions' are all stuff that's impossible so I'm not going to go there just and know that you are not alone.x

I’m so sorry OP. Very different situation for us (my twins are only 3 and the LA have offered specialist placements but somewhere unsuitable). I have been completely and utterly stunned at how willing they are to flout the law and smile at you while they tell you the law can’t be followed. They are appalling. I actually had the Ed psych admit in a meeting that they aren’t qualified to state what specific provisions my children need.

So I went looking for a private EP with early years specialism - and they want £2k per child to do an assessment and report, plus travel. Oh, and VAT.

The system is a fucking joke, and mothers like us are just collateral damage. I am really struggling today and feel like I just can’t carry on. I’m not surprised you feel the same.

I know SENDIASS vary in efficacy - are yours any good? We’ve been given a SENDIASS caseworker now who’s actually very on the ball. IPSEA basically may as well not exist because every slot goes the instant they’re listed - which shows how bad things are.

You definitely need to push to extend his hours and for transport. The LA are completely shirking here as are the school.

Oh OP totally feeling the pain. My youngest is autistic. Non verbal and only approved for mainstream. Hes 5 in June and i deferred his place but we are now starting a very slow integration.
Im under no illusion I know this will fail. I dont drive and im told i wouldn't get a taxi for him to the nearest special school anyway because they dont provide it for half days.......
We love our kids fiercely of course but autism is hard and we need a break too.

I found national autistic society (NAS) amazing with sorting out echp etc.

Also check out sen sos

www.gov.uk/children-with-special-educational-needs/extra-SEN-help

My cousin has a personal allowance which allows my aunt to pay for carers to take him out when not in school. They take him bowling, swimming, cinema or even just for some ice cream and a walk