To not know how to deal with school refusal

[DonkeyKong2019]

DD is 5 in reception. Since October 9th we have had TWO happy mornings. Every single morning otherwise at best is her sobbing all morning and at worst is extreme violence. She begs and begs not to go to school. The TA meets her at reception slightly later than everyone else for a cuddle before going to the classroom. She's absolutely miserable.

She has just done a weekday childcare with zero issues going in and genuinely excited to go. As soon as school was mentioned at the weekend she spiralled down again.

I can physically force her there and have done for every single miserable morning except 2 but at what point is enough enough? What point is fair to say that actually yes I can drag her there kicking and screaming but I'm not prepared to?

She is "fine at school" yet tonight at 9.30pm she came in to my lounge sobbing to not go tomorrow. This morning she screamed the school reception down and hid under the table after lashing out.

I feel sick at the thought of taking her tomorrow, the sadness is far worse than the kicking and screaming. I don't know what to do.

' I had to ask for massive amounts of support as I was unable to take my other children or pick up from school, without either someone to look after him at home or do the school run on my behalf if I wasn't able to leave him'

Was this family/friends/school/services that supported this? @schoolrefusalmum

If taking her put of school is an option for you long term I would take her out.

If not, she needs an EHCP as this will open doors to support and to schools that may suit her better. But it will be a long, hard slog and you will have to fight.

Pilot it’s the term following their 5th birthday, unfortunately, not the year after.

It was mostly family and friends, however we had an EHP and repeated referrals to SS to try to source support (SS couldn't have been less interested in us though!) He was eventually given a few hours a week with a support worker which the school had to fund, and a separate support worker for another few hours a week through a different team so we muddled through.

Forgot to say that he wasn't off-rolled from the school so they had to provide the funding for him until his EHCP was finalised and he changed to his new school.

Just to say it’s very common for children to hold it together at school and be very different at home.
Have you filmed her when she is upset? It’s often useful for evidence to back up what you are saying is happening.

Thanks @schoolrefusalmum all my local-ish (other side of busy city) family and friends work with commutes, so cant help. Other family is further away by a few hours. Their dad isnt around either. Seems quite a rare/nicge question to which I'm getting no answers, so i appreciate you're reply as your the first person I've come across who's experienced it. But we can't be the only ones

Has she an echp? How developmentally and educationally behind? You may need to fight for a unit or special school - she doesnt need a diagnosis for that just evidence that mainstream education is unsuitable.

@DonkeyKong2019 sorry if you've already mentioned upthread but does the school have a dedicated SENCO? It's well known that children who struggle with school tend to mask at school but then lash out at parents so they shouldn't dismiss what you say.

I explained our situation with meltdowns at home to the SENCO prior to getting our diagnosis. She was very helpful and arranged for rudimentary dyslexia assessments (when DS was 5 even though dyslexia assessment isn't carried out normally until around 7), observed DS, his posture, pencil grip, speech and language etc and she agreed he would benefit from some support. She provided weekly 1-2-1 phonic sessions over a couple of terms and put DS in the fine motor skills groups. DS has an EHCP in place and his teacher offers DS short breaks to stretch out if he's been doing a lot of written work. They've both hit him a writing slope and offer it to him if he feels he's tiring. I am also allowed to scribe for him any pieces of homework which he doesn't feel to write down.

Pressed post too soon. Was going on to say that the school suggested I start teaching DS to touch type and he's allowed to type out his homework rather than hand write if he so chooses.

Anyway, just wanted to say I can completely sympathise with your situation. It took over a year to put my finger on it and eventually get a diagnosis and i finally feel we're on the right trajectory. Although, I have a niggling feeling we may need to revisit an assessment for AutIsm down the line. DS was born pre-term with IGUR and while things seemed fine initially, it's slowly becoming quite evident just how much it has affected his brain development.

At one point I was considering special schools for him because he was becoming socially isolated on top of everything else, he had no real friends (still doesn't as he can't participate in team sports or join in with football in the playground due to poor motor planning and coordination so he just hangs out on his own most days). Having visited 2different special schools though I realised he would be even more socially isolated there as he is very academically able but just unable to demonstrate on paper. The Ed psych assessment revealed a high IQ of 130 but unfortunately the eyes not tracking correctly and the inability to put his thoughts onto paper efficiently meant he was being given work/content that was significantly below his academic ability so he was bored and used to lose focus/get distracted.

Our school has been great with taking on board the recommendations from the Ed psych report and he's definitely enjoying the content more now in year 2. He's also naturally matured over the last couple of years and I think for him it was the right decision to stay put at the school with support around the edges. I do worry about the social side of his schooling experience moving forward as bullying will inevitably starts to happen but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I really hope you manage to get the support your DD needs to help her over the next couple of terms and that you find a solution that works for you both. Its such an exhausting situation when you're having to battle every day about going to school.

How was this morning?

I dropped her off about 10.15am she was absolutely hysterical and they pulled her off me kicking and screaming. I feel sick :(

Sorry to hear that things are so tough.
You said she's fine being dropped everywhere else other than school- have you tried childminder dropping it off to see if it makes a difference?

Reducing to part time with a child too young to understand may not make any difference as she still has to go in whether a it's 9am or 12pm and she can't rationalise that it's a shorter time.

Keep pushing for the Ed Psych to come in.

That must have been difficult for you seeing her go in kicking and screaming. I know you say it's a good school but are you sure it's the best one for her? I removed my ds from a school that would force him in kicking and screaming. Maybe it is ok but for my ds it didn't seem the right thing to do. He has never once refused to go in to his current school. He loves going in every day.

Agree with the suggestion of a visual timetable to help reduce anxiety about what the day holds. Could you give her something visual she could use at school so that she can have a time out eg. If she puts on a red hat it means she is feeling overwhelmed and the teacher can give her some space for a bit. If she wants to play with the other children she can put on a green hat. Have you tried her with sunglasses or eardefenders at all?

If you feel part of the reason that this is happening is due to reading and communication levels, are you able to get her some more regular sessions with the speech and language therapist?

Is there anything you or the school could do to bring her confidence up in other areas such as art, music, PE or computers so the focus is less on reading/phonics?

What time is her usual bedtime? Your original post says she was upset at 9:30pm. Can you get her to bed earlier?

Do you remember if there was anything particularly different about the 2 days that she went happily to school? Eg. Did she get more sleep, had they been told the day before what they would be doing at school that day?

Is there anyway you would be able to stay at school with her for the first 15 minutes of the day to get her settled rather than a quick drop off?

Oh you poor thing! That's so hard! I know how you feel, I've been there too. I think I'd stop sending her in like this though. It can't be good for either of you.

I posted something similar the other day....
my son is absolutely awful at going to school and it's draining us all. It's consuming every evening and the weekend.
Half term I had my happy smiley 5 year old son back and then he's gone straight back to being completely miserable.
Likewise, he is "fine once he's there" I don't think he has issues with falling behind or struggling with the work but given the choice he would absolutely choose to just be at home every day. I am seriously considering pulling him out for home schooling. I think the impact that being dragged into school every day is having on his mental health is far worse then anything else.

By what I mean, I don't think forcing her to attend in a hysterical state is the way the school should be approaching it. Could you work with them to devise other strategies to ensure she's supported on the way in and while she's there? I know it's very hard, but there have been some good suggestions upthread. If the school ultimately doesn't suit her needs, perhaps she could try a specialist school? I do understand that you're having delays with a diagnosis and that isn't helping. I tried both these approaches (mainstream and specialist unit) with my dc and ultimately am homeschooling, but my dc has complex needs which weren't being addressed by any school. (They were very nice and wanted to help, but they didn't, but that's another story.) So I do think you should try the school approach first, but your daughter is suffering at the moment, as are you, and the current approach isn't working.

A DF of mine had similar issues with her DD. At the time it was possible autism but a struggle with diagnosis as it was compounded by other medical issues and also the school were adamant she was fine when she was in there. She is very compliant when in school which didn't help. Eventually they did get and Ed Pysch in, despite the schools objection and the Ed Psych noticed so much in that short time that the school hadn't. This has now helped her get the eventual diagnosis but also highlighted issues to the school that were being missed by them due her masking and compliance. Definitely push for a visit from ad Ed Psych.

For those asking how to home educate without relying on a man or family help, it is possible. Many do get some form of benefit (DLA, carers etc) as they are entitled to it. For those who don't, they find jobs to work from home or evening work etc.
I don't have family etc nearby it's me 24/7 but I've had to adapt since my children were born and it's been okay.
I think in the UK we need to give each other more support like the US where parents chip in and take turns whilst the other parent works and vice versa. It is very successful there.
The home ed community is huge in the UK but unfortunately still a taboo subject. I recommend joining the home education UK groups online and then the local groups to find support even if it's just emotional and mental support.
Most people find their children relax and be themselves again after home educating and their children willingly learn through real life experiences and choosing subjects.

I dropped her off about 10.15am she was absolutely hysterical and they pulled her off me kicking and screaming. I feel sick

I really think you need to stop that happening. My DD2(16) is undergoing trauma counselling at CAMHS to help her cope with the aftermath of experiences like this.

You know she isn't fine once she's in school. The distress is there but not apparent to anyone.

You need to tell the school that they are not to hold her in future. She needs short positive experiences in school, led by her, which are built on gradually and show her that she can trust the staff and feel safe in school while progressing at her own pace. She has to be able to choose to stay there when you leave.

I know how hard it is. We are conditioned to do what we're told in school, even when we're adults, and it's very hard to tell them that they are wrong. You can do this. Keep her at home tomorrow and tell the school that you will bring her in when there's a plan in place that she can manage without becoming distressed.

I would not persist with dragging her to school. I home ed-ed. Wish I'd done it sooner

This might sound easier said than done but if she was my child I would take her out of school altogether for the time being.

She's only 5, still very little and I would rather a happy little girl than one who is full of anxiety about school.

Whatever you decide I hope things improve for both you and her, it must be dreadful to see your child so distraught every day, sending my very best wishes.