To not know how to deal with school refusal

[DonkeyKong2019]

DD is 5 in reception. Since October 9th we have had TWO happy mornings. Every single morning otherwise at best is her sobbing all morning and at worst is extreme violence. She begs and begs not to go to school. The TA meets her at reception slightly later than everyone else for a cuddle before going to the classroom. She's absolutely miserable.

She has just done a weekday childcare with zero issues going in and genuinely excited to go. As soon as school was mentioned at the weekend she spiralled down again.

I can physically force her there and have done for every single miserable morning except 2 but at what point is enough enough? What point is fair to say that actually yes I can drag her there kicking and screaming but I'm not prepared to?

She is "fine at school" yet tonight at 9.30pm she came in to my lounge sobbing to not go tomorrow. This morning she screamed the school reception down and hid under the table after lashing out.

I feel sick at the thought of taking her tomorrow, the sadness is far worse than the kicking and screaming. I don't know what to do.

You could research the home school groups in your area. When we homeschooled our DD (years 4-5) I was amazed by the amount of things going on in our area specifically for home educated children. It was actually much better socially for her than being at school as she got to mix, happily, with a wider range of children than just the few other girls in her class. There were sports clubs, social clubs and classes all going on which we could join. Plus we were able to cover so much more of the school curriculum in just a couple of hours a day than she ever managed at school. My DD is in secondary school now and has different issues, but for primary I would definitly recommend looking into home ed if it is a possibility for you.

I had this with my son ,we finally saw camhs ,who told me I made everything worse by dragging him in .,
What camhs didn’t appreciate was the lack of support for children and parents in this situation

@LizzieAnt

Literally no other option, and finances (and financial independence) have to come second because you can't abandon your child

(Genuine question, not a rant/dig since tone doesn't always come across well on here!). Is there a way of doing this as a lone parent, putting finances second I mean? Ds is struggling massively with school and I've had home educating suggested to me but we need money to eat and pay rent. I feel awful because I have to put money before ds's mental wellbeing because if I didn't, we'd have no food or home.

I would be genuinely interested in how people afford to home educate without a partner bringing in wages to see if there's a way I could manage.

In the end i removed him from school,as I knew it was badly effecting his mental health,he’s still under camhs for horrendous anxiety,I applied for and got an ehcp ,,so we currently have a tutor provided by the lea

My son has asd, i dont drag him in. I just do what i can. If he's in at break time so be it. I have to repeat the same conversation periodically because school sees very little of his extreme behaviour. Once he's in he's fine. If they threaten to fine me when his younger siblings attendance percentage is affected by school refusal when they start school, then perhaps I'll take him in screaming and they can see it's not in his best interest for themselves, and they can deal with the lashing out. Perhaps after the teacher or his 1:1 TA is hit violently repeatedly they'll be fully on board with my methods. Unlikely tho that I'll prove the point at the cost of the impact to him. But as it stands, I'm not impacting his well being or my mental health to get him in for 845am, he doesnt understand or care about time, it's an arbitrary and abstract concept to him. He's 5. It sounds ridiculous sometimes to say a 5yr old has such a big impact on how the day goes but he's too strong and willfull even if he is only 5, might as well be 15 because i cant compete with his physical or mental stronghold.
@op I'd do what works best for u and ditch the rules that dont work for her. She has DLA and is therefore protected from having guidelines imposed on her, if her disability needs cant meet them, they have to make reasonable adjustments

What do others do if school refusal impacts siblings tho??

Her needs clearly aren't being met in school. This is causing her trauma and, if it continues, that trauma will harm her mental health. It happens a lot to children with ASD.

She may not have a diagnosis but she clearly has neurodevelopmental difficulties that have been recognised by professionals. Now those people need to be making recommendations for how her needs should be met in school and school should be implementing those recommendations consistently and effectively.

Masking can make it very difficult for parents to advocate for their child. You need to be clear that the while she is expressing distress at home, you will keep reporting it and they must accept that it is happening.

The strong bond with the TA is a positive that you could build on. Maybe she could go in and spend some time with the TA one to one towards the end of the day and then join her class just to put their coats on and come out. That's just a suggestion. You need to think about what sort of adjustments would enable to attend voluntarily. Having a quiet safe place to withdraw to might help. Also a visual timetable so she knows what is happening when, more movement breaks, less playground time, ear defenders to reduce auditory overload, adjustments to the uniform if it causes sensory issues, breaking down tasks for her, clearer instructions, less visual input from wall displays,... the list is endless and adjustments need to be tailored to your DD in particular; not just what might help a child with ASD.

Don't fall into the trap of tricking her into going to school and please stop forcing her. If you agree to pick her up early, make sure you do it, even if the school ask you not to. She needs to know that she can always trust you. If she loses that security, everything will be harder for her and you. My DD2's school wanted me to force her. The educational psychologist told them and me together that this wasn't safe or appropriate and they should make the adjustments she needed to be able to walk into school voluntarily.

You're doing a great job of advocating for her already. Keep going. Make sure everyone knows that this isn't separation anxiety as she can go to places where she feels safe without you very easily. It's school that is the issue here, not home or you.

If the school tell you that they can't make adjustments you feel she needs or can't bring in professionals to assess her and make recomendations for support because they don't have the resources, apply for an EHC needs assessment. School can do this but you can do it quite easily yourself too. Use model letter 1 on the IPSEA website. Fon't listen to any rubbish about how she won't qualify for one. It is not the school's decision to make. I'm happy to explain more about the process if that would be helpful.

Don't punish her or criticise her to not going to school and make sure that you're doing lots of fun activities that support her well being and self esteem during school hours.

Lots of parents are forced into home education because they don't have the resources to fight for the right provision for their child. Schools and LAs collude with this because, once a child is home educated, the financial burden of meeting their needs, which can be huge, falls on the parents. That's not OK.

Keep it clear in your head that this is not about bad behaviour. This is her communicating that school is an overwhelming and unpredicatable place and being there is causing her trauma.

Find some online forums for parents of children with ASD. Support and advice from people going through the same thing can be a lifesaver. It was for me.

Happy to talk more by PM if it helps.

@Mouldmeabucket - quick answer as busy: you don’t have to educate at home during school hours. So as long as you can find childcare whilst you work you can educate at weekends / evenings etc.

If she has sensory difficulties but they see no signs of it at school and she is “fine” all day then she’s probably masking it which will be exhausting and stressful for her. The school should really be considering that.

Other PPs have given lots of advice. Sometimes children cry going in because they’ve got into the habit of it but it’s very clear which children those are and it’s certainly not the case here.

Hi @MouldmeaBucket, I'm so sorry your son is struggling so much with school. It's very hard and often nearly impossible to know what's best to do. I am lucky in that my DH is working, but we're not in a strong position financially and things would be much easier if I worked too. As a lone parent it's obviously going to be more complicated. Firstly, I suppose, do you know why he's struggling? If so, have you been able to get support in addressing the problems he's having? Are there any other options locally within the school system? Moving schools didn't work for us, but it has worked for others.

You may have done everything and have decided home schooling to be the best option. If your child is struggling because he has a diagnosis then perhaps you are eligible for some financial support as the OP mentioned earlier? Or would working from home be a possibility at all? The good thing about home schooling too is its flexibility. It doesn't have to be 9 to 3 Monday to Friday. How do you manage in the holidays when he's not at school? Do you have family or friends who could help out with childcare/lessons? Again, I'm lucky to get help like this as various family members have different interests and qualifications and some have been really good about spending time with, and teaching, my child.

I know I probably haven't helped much and I hope my earlier comment didn't upset you. In my case, I really do feel I had no choice but to stay at home. Remaining home from school for the foreseeable future is the choice recommended for my dc by our psychologist (who is state supplied and expert). Wishing you and your ds all the very best.

How upsetting for you, OP - and for your DD too.

I’d definitely keep her at home. We start school very early in the U.K. compared to many other countries and some children, for whatever reasons, simply aren’t ready to start at age 4.

I’d keep her home and reassess things in the Summer to see if she would be ready to start again this September. If she wasn’t, I’d homeschool her initially.

If you don’t want to do that, could you see if she could attend school part-time? My DD did for the first term (at my request) and it worked well. If your DD’s issue is the phonics and such, then maybe afternoons only, when they do more play-based activities, would be an option? You say she was ok at daycare.

But YADNBU to keep her at home

@BreatheAndFocus

Putting her down to part time is my current preference. Unfortuantly she is compulsory school age which makes things more challenging.

@Poppinjay I am going to push for the ed psych to see her. She has had very recent SALT and OT assessments and both suggested EP but school weren't keen because she's fine when there.

I have no idea how I'm going to get her in tomorrow now :(

I am going to push for the ed psych to see her. She has had very recent SALT and OT assessments and both suggested EP but school weren't keen because she's fine when there.

What were the recommendations for support in the S&LT and OT reports and have the school staff implemented them?

I have no idea how I'm going to get her in tomorrow now

Don't think of it as getting her into school. If she is able to talk about it, ask her what would help her to go into school and work gently with her to find an arrangement she thinks she can cope with. Make sure it's something you feel is realistic.

Send an email to the school explaining what she thinks she can manage and ask them to confirm that they can support it. If they can't, she can't go in. If they can, make sure it is followed through exactly as you've agreed with her.

If it works, do it again but don't try to push for more until she has been seen by an EP and all the professionals' recommendations have been implemented. Even then, it's probably better not to push her. She will make progress automatically when her needs are better met.

Also, make sure that nobody is praising her for masking. Instead, thank her for letting you know how she really feels and ask the adults around her at school and at home to do the same.

Putting her down to part time is my current preference. Unfortuantly she is compulsory school age which makes things more challenging

Yes, my DD is a little younger than yours, so I can understand that. I know it’s not quite the same, but I found I had to push the school quite a lot before they agreed.

Perhaps if you can come up with a plan - ie hours and which days - and explain that if your DD can’t be accommodated part-time, then you’ll be home-schooling her, and so you hope the school will support you in devising an appropriate P/T plan. If your plan includes a gradual increase in hours (but don’t commit to increasing on certain dates) to slowly move her to full-time, then that might help your case too.

Some local authorise also allow flexible starts for children with additional needs, so you could check that out on your local authority website.

• Shoukd say ‘local authorities’ not authorise.

What’s she like if anyone else drops her off? Is it an attachment to you as well as a hatred of school?

There is about 30 recommendations in all but it's having the staff to implement for a child that is overly compliant in school.

No one else drops her off. However anywhere else I drop her off, like the childminders or creche, she separates absolutely fine from me.

Are you on Facebook? Look at groups: Not Fine In School and also Flexischooling UK.

@Poppinjay your posts are really good. Are you a professional or this is from personal experience?

I'd hugely appreciate any who has this and it impacting on their siblings, giving their experience. As my DC kinda gets away with it because they've got to make reasobable adjustments for him. His younger sibling has no additional needs to their saying she's going to have to be in, but the reality is he, and everyone around him is impacted by his disability needs, so if i cant get him in, how will she get in? (We live near no other school parents and its a 4 mile drive not driving distance, because our local schools have their own numerous issues)

There is about 30 recommendations in all but it's having the staff to implement for a child that is overly compliant in school.

They've made those recommendations because your DD has certain difficulties and need the adjustments. Without them her needs aren't met in school and she will continue to be unable to attend.

It makes no difference whether she is compliant in school or not. Her needs don't go away when she's being compliant. If recommendations have been made by specialists, they should be implemented. If the school staff don't beleive they are necessary, they should take that up with the professionals themselves.

This is a common occurrence when children mask. School staff believe that they only have to support needs they can see themselves. More skilled professionals have seen them and made recommendations. That is enough.

If they say they don't have the resources to implement the recommended support, they need to apply for an EHC Needs Assessment and some top-up funding to tide them over while the assessment is carried out.

Don't be afraid to be 'that parent'. Sometimes it's the only way to make sure your child's needs are met.

Are you a professional or this is from personal experience?

Mostly personal experience and supporting other parents but also some professional knowledge and experience which helps a lot.

It's very impressive how you communicate a complex subject in such short and comprehensive way @poppinjay and everything you've said is correct too

This is going to be a bit doom and gloom so apologies before I start! The best advice I can give based my own experiences is don't force her in.

One of my children was completely let down by both me and his teachers dragging him into school from when he started reception until the beginning of year 2 when he had what can only be described as a complete breakdown. He wasn't even 7 and he completely broke.

It took at least 6 months for him to start to come back to us. To stop hurting himself daily and to start to be able to engage with the outside world again.
He remained at home for a further year, during which I had to ask for massive amounts of support as I was unable to take my other children or pick up from school, without either someone to look after him at home or do the school run on my behalf if I wasn't able to leave him, as he could be nowhere near the place. He still can't 2 years later!

Pleased to say he is now at a fabulous specialist school and is really starting to thrive

Unfortunately another of my children has found themselves in the same situation now, I've been very clear with the school and all professionals involved that I won't be forcing him to attend as they (by their own admission) can't meet his needs.
I will continue to fight for him to get all of his paperwork ticked off and signed and in the meantime I won't let him suffer any more.

It's my experience that if your child is able to mask, with any degree of effectiveness, that schools will happily ignore all the warning signs then act very surprised when the shit hits the fan! It always does in the end.

I will say that if you have a supportive school then definitely work with them to get the appropriate support put in place for your daughter, but I would be wary of putting too much pressure on her to attend regularly until they do. I firmly believe my second child would have been ok if he had been supported and understood properly from early on!

Good luck with it all I truly hope for a happy outcome for your daughter

Hi, I'm mourning my place as my DS was a school refuser (he's at uni now) but I'll be back latter.

- take your choice x

@Pilot12 it's the term after they turn 5, not the following September.