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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you separated/got divorced?

36 replies

DailyScribbling · 25/02/2020 13:27

I have a personal interest in this, hence the name change.
It seems such an unimaginable upheaval to family life, to the kids (I write as a child of divorced parents), to finances.
AIBU to ask what, for you, meant that you ultimately chose not to stick it out until the kids had grown? Infidelity, abuse, being left by your partner not through choice are all pretty clear-cut, but what about other reasons too? (I'm not judging btw)

OP posts:
Nicelunch25 · 25/02/2020 13:31

Domestic abuse. Escalated during pregnancy. Had to get out. Was emotionally and financially destroyed but much stronger 5 years on.

recrudescence · 25/02/2020 13:33

He was a nasty drunk.

Original poster
DailyScribbling · 25/02/2020 13:34

Well done Nicelunch25, that must have taken a lot of strength x

OP posts:
BestUseADifferentName · 25/02/2020 13:34

I found out he had been cheating on me with sex workers.

It would never have crossed my mind to stick it out for our daughter's sake, because that would have massively negatively affected her life and happiness.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 25/02/2020 13:36

My ex husband was a prize twat and I couldn't live with him for a minute longer. Emotionally abusive and controlling. Plus I hit 40 and thought 'it's now or never.' Daughter was 7 at the time. No one should stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids. A child with two happy separated parents is way better off than a child with two unhappy parents who are still together.

Purplewithred · 25/02/2020 13:40

I married him for all the wrong reasons, had low expectations of marriage anyway, and these were fulfilled. In all honesty I never liked him that much. Over the years I became more confident and less of a martyr. Then I massively cocked up and hurt him badly, but he wanted to keep the marriage going and I felt terrible and guilty so I stayed. But one day I just couldn't manage another minute. One of the things that had stopped me going was my worry about him having time with the children alone: by then they were teens are more resilient, but it definitely did damage them. That said, having a twat for a father was always going to cause damage.

I can pinpoint to the second my Sliding Doors moment, where I made the wrong decision, and wish I could go back.

eenymeenyminyme · 25/02/2020 13:42

ExH was having an emotional affair. I warned him at every stage that he should stop as it was only going to end one way. He didn't stop and they 'fell in love'. I gave him 3 chances to end it and work on our marriage but he didn't want to, he wanted both of us, so I made the choice for him and kicked him out.

Yes it was painful and damaging, and yes it still affects me nearly 5 years later, but it has had far more positive consequences than negative and I don't regret filing for divorce one bit.

LastInTheQueue · 25/02/2020 13:43

No children, married 13yrs, together 17yrs.

We stopped having sex. I know it sounds basic, but this resulted in a much wider impact. We were friends but not lovers. The lack of intimacy damaged my self esteem and confidence in ways I don’t think I’ll ever recover from. We were friends throughout our relationship, and on the surface had a wonderful marriage - common goals and values, proper team mates, but that wasn’t enough.

We’ve been separated for over a year now, but continued to live together. I am moving out next month, and we have remained close friends.

With my first marriage, it was domestic violence, so it was easier to explain.

GoGoPowerScooter · 25/02/2020 13:46

Depressive alcoholic who wouldn't even acknowledge his issues, let alone consider tackling them. Opted out of family life entirely, leaving all the parenting of two autistic children to me. Showered once a week; sat in the corner silent most of the time. He basically sucked the joy out of everything, and we're all so much happier now we've separated. Apathetic, miserable, lazy twat. Three years since I kicked him out (married fifteen years) and I've never regretted it once.

Pinkarsedfly · 25/02/2020 13:49

It was when I started resenting his food for keeping him alive that I realised I’d better get divorced.

Original poster
DailyScribbling · 25/02/2020 14:54

Pinkarsedfly- that made me snort!
Thanks all for sharing your stories, v inisightful (and quite moving)

OP posts:
Fairylea · 25/02/2020 14:57

Just couldn’t stand the fucker anymore. Even the way he ate annoyed me. It was a long time coming though and he was a selfish prick.

abstractprojection · 25/02/2020 14:59

Short story is adultery and abuse. Without writing an essay I've come to the conclusion that it is impossible to be adulterous without also being abusive. And that's which I could never never forgive him for.

chatnicknameyousuggested · 25/02/2020 14:59

He is a nasty drunk.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 25/02/2020 15:00

He cheated constantly,regularly announcing he was spending the weekend with a " Friend called Andy".... Her name wasn't "Andy" I'd had enough and he left us one Christmas Day!! For me it was the best present ever

Madre1972 · 25/02/2020 15:02

My ex husband had a love of gambling and prostitutes, not something he told me prior to getting married. I found out 2 weeks after moving into our new home with our 2 year old. I left the same day which happened to be our wedding anniversary. Best thing I ever did, that was 18 years ago- been happily married for the last 16 years.

Betterversionofme · 25/02/2020 15:02

DV

raspberryk · 25/02/2020 15:03

His cocaine addiction, financial and emotional abuse, the final straw was a loan he'd taken out for 12k I think it was, deposited right into our joint bank account which he flat out denied, and paying his drug dealer by PayPal and company cheque.

EL8888 · 25/02/2020 15:05

His rude and ignorant attitude that grew once we got married
Lack of sex
His god awful rude and annoying family
Oh and later l found out he was cheating on me with one of my friends so it was definitely for the very best

Frazzlerock · 25/02/2020 15:06

He was a manchild and I felt like I had an extra child in the house to clear up after and sort stuff out for.
Draining! We were actually together 10 years but only married for the last 8 months before I decided I'd had enough. It was a waste of a wedding really.

I'm now with a grown up who takes responsibility, is an amazing step dad, and is an equal in the house - its amazing! And we are getting married in April Smile

Waxonwaxoff0 · 25/02/2020 15:09

We got married too young and just fell out of love.

I don't think divorce is always a big upheaval, I'm a child of divorced parents. It depends on circumstances.

Our divorce was incredibly amicable, there was no animosity. We get on well now and co parent.

To be honest I think people who martyr themselves and stay "for the children" are kidding themselves. Odds are the children can sense the tension and essentially it's living a lie. You see it all the time on here from posters who wished their unhappy parents would have just divorced.

strawberrylipgloss · 25/02/2020 15:10

Adultery

I don't know anyone who was happy to discover that their parents stayed together for their sakes. It's a big burden to place on children and most of those people were well aware that their family life was pretty unhappy.

Anecdotally I think that the older you are, the harder your parents divorce is.

Mariagatzs12 · 25/02/2020 15:13

To much lying, control and empty promises

lowlandLucky · 25/02/2020 15:24

He was an abusive cheat. If you met him you would say he was a charmer. He is ex military and spent years sleeping with anything and everything, he would never except what he was doing was affecting our children and that was the worst part. He is now married to a nice enough woman but he is cheating on her. She had to come back to the UK when the lived in S.E asia for a big operation and he cheated on her within days of her leaving and again when she came back because her Mother was ill. If he doessnt have 24/7 attention he cheats.

fantasmasgoria1 · 25/02/2020 15:31

First husband : sexual, physical, emotional, psychological, financial abuse and coercive control second husband : alcoholism leading to verbal abuse which could be deemed psychological abuse too at times. It lead to physical abuse too.