To ask why you separated/got divorced?

[DailyScribbling]

I have a personal interest in this, hence the name change.
It seems such an unimaginable upheaval to family life, to the kids (I write as a child of divorced parents), to finances.
AIBU to ask what, for you, meant that you ultimately chose not to stick it out until the kids had grown? Infidelity, abuse, being left by your partner not through choice are all pretty clear-cut, but what about other reasons too? (I'm not judging btw)

He checked out of our marriage and parenting about three or four years before we separated. I tried to make things work for the kids, but it just got to the point where I would lie awake at night, wondering if this was what the rest of my life was going to be like. He didn't love me, he couldn't be bothered with the kids, and every time I tried to speak to him to try and work things out, he pretty much blanked me. There were lots of little reasons, I suppose, rather than one big one. Lots of things happened that showed me that he didn't love me any more, and eventually one more of those little things was the straw that broke the camels back!

I had some mental health problems (mostly anxiety) for the last three or four years, and he made me believe that it was my mental health problems that caused thee difficulties in our marriage. Funny thing is, from the day that I made the decision that I wanted to separate, I've not had a single episode of anxiety!

After we separated I discovered that he'd had an affair with an employee at about the time that he'd started to check out of our marriage. She'd been going through separation herself, at the time, and I though he was being a good boss, giving her some practical support and a shoulder to cry on. I'm glad it came to light afterwards in a way, because it meant that I owned the decision to separate, rather than feeling like he pushed me into it by what he did.

Escalating abuse and the fact that I hated him.

My ex husband was an alcoholic. We had been together 15 years. He was a lovely man. It just got too much to deal with. Tried everything but he couldn't stop. He was drinking and driving as well so I made the decision to leave. 8 years on I've met someone and I'm very happy. My ex is still drinking. Makes me sad.

What is your personal interest?
If you are someone who doesn’t know if there situation is “bad enough”, go to Relationships board and talk about your experience.
If your interest is in writing an article - it doesn’t take much imagination, surely?

Not writing an article. How easy a journalist's life would be if editors commissioned ideas as woolly as "why do people get divorced?"... That's not how it works, as far as I'm aware.

I'm interested, because I'm struggling a little in my relationship but there are no major issues eg cheating, abuse, general uselessness. I'm aware of the Relationships board but asked here for different perspectives, and there's high traffic here.

Not that I should have to justify why I've posted.

Cheating with sex workers and anyone else who would have him. Physical, verbal, emotional and financial abuse. Alcoholic and gambling addict. None of which I found out about until about four years and two children in. Final straw was when he attacked me in front of my children and my five year old tried to pull him off me. That was it. He still to this day criticises me to anyone who will listen for "breaking up the family".

Impact on children? Put it this way, they were five and two when we split and they never even noticed, never asked for him, never asked what was happening. He was out doing his own thing cheating and drinking so much that they didn't even notice that he no longer lived there.

What are you struggling with @DailyScribbling ?

I was sick of being bottom priority all of the time and having all of the mental load. It was manageable when we had 1 DC, but after the 2nd DC I couldn't bear it any more.

I never thought I would end my marriage and it actually took quite a while between ending it and actually living apart. But it is so much easier being responsible for a household without the frustration of supposedly having someone to share the burden with.

There’s no need to be defensive. Actually, there are some very poor excuses for journalism out there, and woolly threads is how some people approach it. Forgive the cynicism, but we do see it on here.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone (me) to ask you to justify why you’ve posted, given that you’re asking me to consider sharing personal and possibly painful information.

The Relationships board is pretty busy too, so I’m sure you’ll get replied.

I’m sorry you’re struggling. In my case there was repeated adultery - and I remember my friend (who had been beaten up by her husband) saying, “I suppose the positive is that we don’t have much choice. Neither of us is really in a good relationship for many other reasons - we’re just not long term compatible, and we didn’t realise that when we started out. If we didn’t have our “one big bad thing” we would have been stuck because we would have stayed “for the kids”.

I would not have left (I have children) if I had not had a bloody big trigger - I think. At least, it would definitely have taken longer. I suffered 4 more years of the repeated adultery as I was trying to stick it out, so I know I would do the “staying for the kids” thing. Was never financial for me - just the kids.

So I don’t think you SHOULD stay with the big trigger - but I will just say that I sympathise with how much harder that makes it.

*without the big trigger

Met someone at 17 , married at 18. Babies at 21 and 25 .
Over the years I felt as if I grew up but he didn't , he was my 3rd child . Got to 19 years married , and kept feeling once our children left home I would be left with a life of nothing.
I ended the marriage in a way I'm not proud off but a few years down the line we both have partners and hopefully are happier for it .