Or is not remembering no excuse

[ACupOfTeaSolvesEverything]

DP has cognitive function issues that have come on in the last couple of years. He’s sometimes confused or forgetful. He’s always been disorganised and distractible - we all have ADHD in our house so I get that. However this cognitive decline is driving me crazy, he’s forgetting things like paying bills, half the shopping and everyday conversations, or sometimes he does things twice. He loses his keys/vape/phone/wallet several times a day. I don’t see why he can’t write himself post it notes or a list, use the designated spot for personal items like keys/wallet and also an apology would be good when the consequence happens e.g. “oh sorry love I just have forgotten” rather than a defensive “well I thought I’d done it” or “I didn’t see it under all that stuff”(that he had put on top of it a moment earlier).
Am I being a grumpy unreasonable cow? Or could he be a bit more understanding of the effect his chaotic brain has on me?

Before anyone jumps in with “he’s forgetting on purpose LTB” he’s not. He also forgets things that impact him and not me at all plus I’ve sat with him in doctor’s appointments, hospitals and for blood test results.

I think he definitely needs to acknowledge the adverse impacts and stick to whatever coping mechanisms you've developed together - I think YANBU.

I understand why you find this frustrating. However, I do wonder if your DH doesn’t want to admit how much he is forgetting because he is scared about his decline and what it means long term?

It's hard to get in terms with your memory going. Maybe that's why he doesn't do what you think he should be doing.
Is he having some support like counselling? It may help him to accept the situation better

I have major issues too but trynto put in place mechanisms to help
I don't have bills to remember to pay I do all mine by direct debit
I have a paper diary everything I need to do or remember is written in there. If it is not written down it didn't happen in my mind!
I have laminated cards that help me with things like understanding what I need to do or how I feel (I dyspraxia and autism and live by my own which is A struggle)
The one thing I really need help with is cleaning the house, but I cannot afford a cleaner
Not sure if any of my coping things will help you x

I have similar issues, YANBU however he’s probably in denial about how bad it’s getting it can be quite upsetting admitting your memory/brain is getting worse. Why can’t you get a board and write everything up he needs to remember on it? Need to support him a bit with it it’s not like he can help it, it’s a nightmare having cognitive issues it really is.

I know he can’t help it and I help him as much as I can. We both work from home (but not together) so I’m on hand to find his whatever he’s lost whenever he loses it. It’s often right in front of him. He forgets to pay work invoices. Thinks he’s paid himself then when he has no money realises he hasn’t.

He asks DS the same questions and forgets like DS was building a perpetual motion marble run over several days and DP took an interest throughout the project. Then one day mid-build DP asked him “that looks good what is it?” That’s the kind of thing I can’t write on a white board without putting our entire life on it.

I manage my ADHD with lists, reminders, direct debits and not sweating the small stuff. He does write lists but sometimes crosses things off thinking he’s done them when he hasn’t...

Mmm, I have to live with this in a slightly different context but I think one of the difficulties is that remembering to do the “keys” (i.e the post its and the lists) or even follow them can actually be as hard to remember as the original item. You’re expecting normal cognitive performance but in a different way whereas for him, it’s the same type of challenge. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue it and try to install a muscle memory for it but that takes a really long time. It can be such a distressing thing to know you’re no longer “competent” in the way you were which probably means he is being defensive about it rather than apologising to you (and tbf that’s probably right, it’s not his fault) but it’s hard for people to adjust to new realities like this so I feel for you. Patience is the new virtue...

I manage my ADHD with lists, reminders, direct debits and not sweating the small stuff.

I do too. But it's just not the same. Adhd doesn't make you scared that you might wake up one morning next to your partner and not know who they are. Losing one's mind is the scariest thing in the world for many.

I really think he would benefit from counseling. Tbh in my opinion it should be automatically offered so people can accept the condition. It is hard for both of you.

Example of where an apology would have been nice. Yesterday he woke me up early morning panicking and shouting that the cat was being sick. No need for panic I told him I’ll sort it out. Wild eyed and confused he said he wasn’t asking me to do anything but what about the dog. Eh? So I got up and dealt with the cat. Dog was fine. I was wide awake by then, he’d gone back to sleep but the commotion had woken DS. The next morning I was shattered as was DS, DP asked why so I told him. He just said “No I didn’t”. If I snore and keep him awake I apologise even though I don’t remember. Same thing!

Also I stand up from my work literally 20-30 times between 9-3 to help him find something. Often he just takes the thing without saying thank you. That’s just bad manners!! I am the main breadwinner. I need to get on with my work. If you keep interrupting me you can at least thank me.

I know he can’t help it and I’m clearly unreasonable judging by the vote but “thank you” or “oops sorry” goes a long way.

It sounds really hard for all of you. If he is scared about his memory loss and forgetting instances such as waking you up during the night that might make him more defensive and less likely to apologise.

He is the one who is ill, he is the one who is losing his memory and his independence. He doesn't owe you an apology for it.

Manners. I’m after manners.

So he's confused enough to not remember half of what's going on, to wake up in the night having strange episodes, forgetting whole conversations and parts of his kids lives, having trouble with financial independence and your concern is he's not remembering his please and thank you? Horrid.

I understand, what would he do if you said you couidnt help immediately?

I suppose rationally he cant apologise for things he’s denying even happened (like the waking you re the cat). Tough for him and you though. I understand, I’m in a not too dissimilar situation. My DH is lovely but I can understand why he can’t acknowledge things to me (by way of apology) that he isn’t ready to acknowledge to himself. I try to just sigh and move on, lest we both end up feeling worse.

Having an illness is no excuse to take help from others for granted. It costs nothing to say thank you.

However, I think this sounds like it could be more than ADHD. Has he been to a doctor about this extreme forgetfulness and confusion?

He doesn’t help himself much. He won’t go to counselling. He doesn’t follow the doctor’s recommendations. He still drinks (although not excessively) and it was alcohol that caused this now long term problem.

When my mum was dying she would say thank you although she couldn’t help being ill. Pass someone something they can’t get themselves, they say thanks. Help someone go to the loo, thanks love. It’s automatic and just manners!!

I’d be really worried about early onset dementia.

Was/is he an alcoholic? How did drinking cause this?

He had a breakdown and abused alcohol heavily for a period. The GP has done blood tests and has (in front of me) confirmed that his cognitive issues are a consequence of heavy drinking.

I went through similar with my mum (alzeimers) and can empathise how challenging this is for you, even more so with a partner rather than an elderly relative. My mum would get defensive, often deny things had, or hadn't, happened and on occasion got angry about us supposedly lying to her and said some horrible things. Hard as it was we had to accept she was not in control of her memory loss and realistically was never going to apologise for things she had absolutely no memory of. We did get some advice from time to time about strategies to help us manage as her condition progressed. Obviously don't know (& don't need to know) your DH's diagnosis but is there anyone you could call on for further/specialist information. Don't be afraid to ask for support and try and find a bit of time for yourself. Some harsh comments on here!

That sounds incredibly tough on both of you actually. If he never had manners before, I’d say this is his way. If he used to have manners, perhaps he has also forgotten he needs to have them. Either way, I think it would be really useful for you to attempt to reframe this as part of him rather than to piss you off or against you. Maybe uttering “thank you ACupofTea* to yourself would help.

Idk if there is any way of reversing what’s happening to him. Apparently some forms of alcohol induced dementia can be reversed. Finances pending, I’d be looking at whether there is anything you / he can do to detox his system.

Has he been to the GP? If this is a new thing I'd be very concerned.

Do you both argue over events and whether they happened or not? I'd be tempted to get CCTV for inside your house (tell him you're doing this) and then refer to it for evidence every time he swears blind that such and such didn't happen. It might give him the prod he needs to believe you and see a doctor.

it sounds to me like it’s not manners, or Ps and Qs, but rather it’s a manifestation of the resentment you feel about it and wanting your position to be acknowledged. As others have said, counselling could be really useful here because he cannot (or is v unlikely) to be able to change and you only have a choice about how you react / deal with it. Once you get your thank you, it will be something else. It is really hard to deal with and that is not your fault either - but you do need to find a way that relies on you rather than him I suspect.

Mummyoflittledragon Thanks for being kind. Yes I suppose I do need to reframe my thinking. I do feel resentful that this was essentially self induced. My feelings, my responsibility to suck them up. Yes, there are things he can do to improve his lot, although apparently it’s not reversible as such it could be improved by not touching alcohol, taking certain supplements etc but he still drinks because he says a couple of drinks don’t matter (doc says they do) and he forgets to take the supplements he has, other supplements he says won’t help him even though they have been recommended.

I’m actually already in therapy. He refuses to go to any therapy for himself - been recommended many times over the last few years by healthcare professionals, and if he’d gone he might not have drunk himself into the position he is in now. Frustrating. Again though my frustration and I need to deal with it. I really didn’t think my feelings were that unreasonable but Mumsnet has spoken!