High: leaving home and travelling round Europe alone aged 19 - I felt like I owned the world and belonged to it. Particular high point was sitting in Piazza San Marco in Venice, watching a sunny summer's day turn suddenly to rain and turning round to meet the eyes of a stranger who I fell for in a big way. I still think of him often.
Low: my first tangle with serious depression at university. Speaking to a counsellor about my family and seeing the look on her face as she said, carefully, "you know none of that is normal at all, don't you? You've been through a lot" and realising for the first time how fucked up my upbringing was and how broken I was.
High: The first time I felt genuinely, straightforwardly in love and loved - lying in the guy's bed after sleeping over at his for the first time (no sex!) watching the sun stream in the windows and listening to Van Morrison's 'Sweet Thing'. We fucked off our lectures and went to the beach. I was so happy.
Low: Smashing my head against a wall when drunk after (another) horrible fight with my partner and him calling the police because he was scared I was going to harm myself. They didn't come, and I was fine, but I had a painful bump on my head for days and realised I had an unhealthy relationship with booze and needed to stop for a while.
High: Finally meeting my baby after a long and upsetting labour ending in c-section. I'd never seen anything so perfect, and never felt so utterly in love.
Low: the first few weeks of motherhood. I adored her but she barely slept, breastfeeding was hard, I was in constant pain and exhaustion and felt like everyone was more capable and better supported than me. I don't think I had PND (no thoughts of harming myself or baby, no urge to run away) but I felt SO anxious and hopeless and inadequate.
High: first time I made my baby belly-laugh. On the train home from a funeral of all places. We had struggled so hard with what I now know to be a dairy allergy, she seemed so angry and discontent and I felt I was failing her all the time - so it was like the sun breaking through the clouds to see her face light up and hear that happy sound come out of her.
Low: my mother's suicide. It was a long time coming but it floored me nonetheless. Came the same week I started a new job in a new city after a year of mat leave (while moving house!), and the combination of stress and grief obliterated me. I am still dealing with the consequences to my mental health almost 2 years later.
High (although it didn't feel like it at the time!): breaking down in tears in an important meeting just before Christmas last year and saying "I'm so sorry but I shouldn't be here - I'm really not well." Resulted in taking some much needed time off work, getting medicated and finding my way back from a spiral of overwork, grief and depression that was eating me alive and destroying my family life. At the time it felt like the end of everything; but actually it was just 'the end of the beginning', and the gateway to the recovery I needed.
looking forward to many more highs and lows before I croak - for all I'd love a bit more balance in my life, these are the moments that make us, good and bad.