To not want to invite H2B's father's partner's daughter to wedding

[flowersinspring1]

AIBU to not want to invite husband to be's father's partner's daughter to our wedding which is abroad?

H2B's father and his partner have been together 5 years, not married and don't live together. His partner lives with her daughter.

The daughter is in her 30s and has a mild disability. This is not immediately obvious if you speak to her and she can be left alone for long periods of time (i.e. when the father and his partner go on holidays) and she does have a boyfriend of 3 years.

The clincher is whenever there are family get-togethers his father's partner always brings her daughter along. I think this is for social support as she has never felt accepted by the family. There has been a lot of coercive control and manipulative behaviour, which I suspect is the reason for her feeling that way.

Neither me nor my H2B are close to his father's partner or her daughter but of course the partner will be invited. However we don't want to invite the daughter.

AIBU?

Invite who you want. It's your wedding.

But an invitation may mean the world to her. Especially if she's never felt accepted.

Invitation for Father's name and Partner's name. H2B can speak to his dad about venue numbers or something for the dinner and make it clear that the invitation is only for the 2 of them.

Nah I wouldn't bother. You barely know her, they don't even live together, who's to say they will remain together until they die? Do you really want your dad's ex's daughter in the photos in that case?

Why does she feel like shes never been accepted anyway? Was she the ow?

I would invite them. How big is your wedding?

No she wasn't the ow but she is very controlling regarding his time and who he sees (in his own words he feels he has a lack of freedom). She has ended their relationship probably circa 10 times (no exaggeration) when she does not get her own way, hoping he will come round grovelling and give her what she wants. He has repeatedly cried on family members shoulders during these terrible arguments. (What she wants is for him to sell his home that he has lived in 30 years and is mortgage free, and buy a house in joint name with her for the three of them to live in (she currently rents)).

Invite who you like, it's your wedding. I think I would invite my father's partner's kids and I'm not close to them at all.

Why is her disability relevant?

Your father must want to be in a relationship with her though? He must get something out of it.

Why is her disability relevant?

I am not sure - just that she has other kids that the extended family have never met. We have only met this one daughter and I don't know if it's because she has the disability? For example, she may need to be included more? I really don't know.

Your father must want to be in a relationship with her though? He must get something out of it.

Yes companionship - she would leave a hole in his life should they split.

Maybe get your DP to talk to his Dad about it? See how offended they'd be if she wasn't invited?

You are one marriage away from this being your husband's step sister. I don't think you should exclude her.

That's an interesting point. However, his mum remarried to a man with two adult children from a previous marriage who we have met. Neither of them are invited. perhaps we shall just say that to the dad.

Also another one of the partner's children who none of us have met recently got married and didn't invite any of the father's children.

I think it would be quite cruel to exclude her but your decision.

Even if they marry this woman won't be a step sister as they won't have lived as family in any way.

Your wedding, invite who you want. I wouldn’t invite her if it was me.

However we don't want to invite the daughter.

Is there any particular reason why you don't want to invite her?

That's an interesting point. However, his mum remarried to a man with two adult children from a previous marriage who we have met. Neither of them are invited. perhaps we shall just say that to the dad.

Yeah. No need to invite a stranger in this case then.

What she wants is for him to sell his home that he has lived in 30 years and is mortgage free, and buy a house in joint name with her for the three of them to live in (she currently rents))

Wow-how much equity would she be putting in?

one of the partner's children who none of us have met recently got married and didn't invite any of the father's children.

So no need to invite the partners children at all.do you think it will cause problems if you don’t?

It’s your decision

Why don’t you want her there?

Just elope. Save yourself the hassle.

Assuming that's not an option I don't think I'd invite them. I also wouldn't, personally, consider them family but I know I'm alone on Mumsnet in not believing in all this blended nonesense.

I'm not sure it is cruel if you're treating her siblings and your mother's husband's children the same.

As you're not inviting your mother's husband's children, whom you have also met, you're treating her equally.

Obviously it would be completely unacceptable to exclude her because of her disability, but it sounds as though it's the other way around - you're not inviting several other people with the equivalent relationship to you but wonder whether you should be positively discriminating because of her disability.

Just to clarify - when you say your father's partner brings her daughter to family gatherings for support as she's never felt accepted, do you mean your father's partner is receiving support from her daughter as your father's partner has never felt accepted? Or do you mean her daughter has never felt accepted.

That makes a difference IMO. Your father's partner doesn't need support from an adult child at the wedding any more than your mother's husband does.

However if your father's partner's daughter has never felt accepted because of her disability a positive gesture might be appropriate.

I can see that inviting her but not your mother's husband's children would be unbalanced unless there's a good reason.

Why don’t you want her there?
To be honest with you - we don't even want the partner there for the above reasons. It's bad enough we will have to seat his partner and feed his partner. However, we realise though we have our views of her, these are kept private, we are civil to her and recognise she is his partner.

We have a tight guest list and as it is abroad we don't even know if our friends will be joining. To then have to invite his partner's daughter who we have no relationship with just to appease his partner and find her a seat, food and a room (as the father and his partner will be sharing a bed obviously in the main wedding venue house) all seems too much.

when you say your father's partner brings her daughter to family gatherings for support as she's never felt accepted, do you mean your father's partner is receiving support from her daughter as your father's partner has never felt accepted? Or do you mean her daughter has never felt accepted.

His partner brings her daughter to family gathers because she, the partner, has never felt accepted by the family. By bringing the daughter she feels like she has someone with her because she doesn't like it when the father is socialising with his family.