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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to invite H2B's father's partner's daughter to wedding

56 replies

flowersinspring1 · 24/02/2020 14:30

AIBU to not want to invite husband to be's father's partner's daughter to our wedding which is abroad?

H2B's father and his partner have been together 5 years, not married and don't live together. His partner lives with her daughter.

The daughter is in her 30s and has a mild disability. This is not immediately obvious if you speak to her and she can be left alone for long periods of time (i.e. when the father and his partner go on holidays) and she does have a boyfriend of 3 years.

The clincher is whenever there are family get-togethers his father's partner always brings her daughter along. I think this is for social support as she has never felt accepted by the family. There has been a lot of coercive control and manipulative behaviour, which I suspect is the reason for her feeling that way.

Neither me nor my H2B are close to his father's partner or her daughter but of course the partner will be invited. However we don't want to invite the daughter.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 24/02/2020 15:37

However, his mum remarried to a man with two adult children from a previous marriage who we have met. Neither of them are invited. perhaps we shall just say that to the dad

YANBU. The precedent has been set so they can’t complain.

Bagofoldbones · 24/02/2020 15:47

I’d let her bring her because she will occupy your dads partner otherwise you don’t get five minutes with him.

Thinkingabout1t · 24/02/2020 15:47

It would be unkind to exclude the disabled daughter. It’s the mother who sounds more of a problem.

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 24/02/2020 15:54

It would be unkind to exclude the disabled daughter

Why? If her mother leaves her alone when going on holiday, why must op be made to feel she has to be invited to their wedding?

The daughter is in her 30s and has a mild disability. This is not immediately obvious if you speak to her and she can be left alone for long periods of time (i.e. when the father and his partner go on holidays) and she does have a boyfriend of 3 years.

ItWillBeBetterInAugust · 24/02/2020 15:54

So from your 15:34 update it appears that your father's partner uses her daughter as an emotional and social crutch.

It's entirely likely that this is not in the best interests of the daughter. The fact that she can manage perfectly well when her mother chooses to holiday without her but is brought along when her mother feels left out is interesting.

Perhaps invite the daughter and her boyfriend instead of your dad and his partner Grin

Original poster
flowersinspring1 · 24/02/2020 15:55

*So from your 15:34 update it appears that your father's partner uses her daughter as an emotional and social crutch.

It's entirely likely that this is not in the best interests of the daughter. The fact that she can manage perfectly well when her mother chooses to holiday without her but is brought along when her mother feels left out is interesting.

Perhaps invite the daughter and her boyfriend instead of your dad and his partner*

Yes I find it highly confusing!

OP posts:
boats · 24/02/2020 16:00

Definitely just send the invite to FIL and partner. If questioned about her daughter, reiterate that you don't know her children well enough to invite them. That way, it's not personal to her.

ItWillBeBetterInAugust · 24/02/2020 16:04

Sorry your husband to be's father's partner's daughter...

Too convoluted!

Just invite first degree blood relatives with a plus one, and people you know really well and like a lot/ love, also with a plus one, and babies in arms, (plus dependent children who cannot to be left alone if you choose to) - should be the way really...

BabyWenger · 24/02/2020 16:04

So the daughter is pretty much a stranger to you.

And her mother is a devious manipulative woman who appears to be a gold digger and has been broken up from your DP multiple times.

No, you don't have to invite them.

AnneOfTeenFables · 24/02/2020 16:06

It's not comparable to the other step-siblings because the DD lives with her mother. I appreciate you have explained she is left lone when they go on holiday but it may be that they arrange holidays around another relative's availability to check on their DD or on her bf's availability.
I'd leave the decision over the invite to your soon-to-be-DH and I'd expect him to have a conversation with his DF about whether it is feasible for the DD to be left at home alone or not.

EngiNerd · 24/02/2020 16:06

I think it'd be weird to not invite step siblings even if they aren't close but especially if there's no falling out between them. But it is your wedding and you should invite whoever you want.

katy1213 · 24/02/2020 16:08

I wouldn't invite his 'partner' either. She's a girlfriend, if that's not too silly a word at their age, not a partner - and the wedding is for your friends, not his. It doesn't sound like a particularly stable relationship and you don't want to be looking at the wedding photos in ten years time, saying, 'Remember that awful woman who got her claws into your Dad."
Leaving that aside, the daughter's disability is irrelevant and she is nothing to do with you. At best, the partner is a plus-one. There is no plus-one's plus-one.

ItWillBeBetterInAugust · 24/02/2020 16:09

The children of your parent's partner, to whom they are not married and with whom they don't live, and whom you met for the first time as an adult, are not your step siblings.

Devlesko · 24/02/2020 16:11

I'd just invite the father, if he won't come without the others thats his look out. I'd say invite his gf but it looks like they might be in one of their splitting phases on the day, anyway.

ellendegeneres · 24/02/2020 16:12

I wasn’t invited to my step siblings weddings, wasn’t bothered 🤷🏻‍♀️ They had a close family and friends group attending and I’d have felt a right odd one being there had I been invited.

I think this is more about the fils deranged girlfriend and her issues than offending her daughter.

What does your dp say about it?

pinkyredrose · 24/02/2020 16:14

You are one marriage away from this being your husband's step sister Hmm no she shouldn't be

SunshineDays2019 · 24/02/2020 16:14

Agree with pp, husband's partner's (of 5 years and not living together) adult daughter is NOT a step sister. Invite FIL plus one. If partner doesn't like it, she can stay home!

PaquitaVariation · 24/02/2020 16:18

We didn’t invite my DH’s ‘stepsisters’. The only time we’ve ever met them was at his mother and stepfathers wedding. It would have been very weird to have them at ours.

abstractprojection · 24/02/2020 16:22

It sounds like the father is going to have a better time at the wedding if his partner is happy having her daughter there. For me this would be reason alone to invite the daughter.

I would also warn of the possibility that if you don't invite the daughter, the partner could put pressure on the father who could then put it on your husband to be. This could make the lead up to the wedding very stressful, and if she is very controlling could even lead to 'drama' on the day, ultimatums and even the father not attending.

MotherofKitties · 24/02/2020 16:27

Don't invite her OP. It's your wedding and neither you nor our husband to be have any relationship with her.

You've set the precedent by not inviting others with the same level of 'relationship' to you, so why invite her to appease a woman you and your fiancé don't want there anyway?

I understand about having to invite your FILs partner, but stretching to her daughter? No. She'll be fine as she's been left by herself before as you say.

You'll have to be crystal clear to FIL and his partner though so there is zero room for misunderstanding; it'll be an awkward conversation but a necessary one. If FIL or his partner kick up a fuss just refer to the above; you haven't invited the other parents partners children either so that's that.

Good luck and be strong.

Ponoka7 · 24/02/2020 16:30

How many family members are going from his Son's side? Or is his side friend heavy?

He should speak to his Father about this. It's a bit odd to just send your Parent a general invite and not speak to them.

QueenofallIsee · 24/02/2020 16:33

I wouldn’t ask the partner to be honest. I say that as someone who is recently married, invited partners in the case of an established couple and ended up with a godawful woman that was pissed by 4pm, offended numerous people including me and is all over my bloody pictures. I’d not do it again, if you don’t know them or like them then don’t ask them.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/02/2020 16:38

You're perfectly within your rights to invite your dad and his partner only. Or to not invite the partner at all. If don't invite the daughter and you're lucky, maybe the partner will refuse to attend.

My only question would be what is the likelihood of your stb-FiL causing a stink/emotional blackmail and/or refusing to attend (under pressure from his partner) if the daughter isn't invited? On the upside, maybe that will be the straw that broke the camel's back and he'll see his partner for what she is.

If this awful woman does attend, be sure you have the photographer place her on the end of a row or to the side in any picture. Much easier to photoshop out later!

PeterPanGoesWrong · 24/02/2020 16:40

Although I agree with others that it’s your wedding so you invite who you want, remember this...... she could end up being your stepsister if your dad marries his partner.

It seems a bit —lot— mean to not invite her.

As for your dads girlfriend being controlling, don’t lots of men need ‘looking after’ or control or bloody idiot proof instructions? It doesn’t make her a bad person. Just means she is in control. So much better than the alternative.

Aloe6 · 24/02/2020 16:55

Yanbu. You can’t exclude the partner but reasonable not to invite her daughter. The partner has your dad as moral support.