To have shouted at DP for weirdness / dopeyness?

[SmashedPumpkinz]

DP is incapable of thinking for himself. He has no initiative and it’s driving me crazy. Some of his behaviours are so odd and weird and it’s starting to really irritate me.

I’ve just bought a hard floor cleaner/vacuum. I was spending all day yesterday painting woodwork and DP was just sat there not knowing what to do. So I asked him to use the new floor cleaner for the first time. It’s cordless and I’d spent the previous day charging the battery (which only works for 45 mins). The whole house needed a floor clean. I heard him turn it on and it didn’t sound like it was actually moving so admittedly I thought he’d turned it on so I could hear it but had then just sat down. I was fuming. I went in to check and walked in to the cleaner on full blast stationary in the middle of the floor and DP just stood there looking at it suspiciously. I said “what are you doing???” He said “I’m just working it out”. I get mad and turned it off saying “what is there to work out?? You turn it on and move it across the floor!!! You don’t stand there watching it drain it’s battery!”

He decided that he didn’t like my attitude towards him at the point and refused to continue with it. He did fuck all yesterday ... everything he was supposed to do he literally spent the entire time “working it out” ... changing light bulbs, fixing the bed, cleaning the floors, fixing the fence ... none done as he was too busy “working it out”

"Oh OP I think we might possibly have the same partner mines useless too😂 I’m sorry but I laughed at this because everything you’ve said I can relate too, my dimwit needed showing how to use usa toaster when we first moved in together, also how to use a tin opener🤦🏽‍♀️"

Hardly the same are they? Using a toaster v fixing a fence?

Bloody hell. That level of mental incapacity is sufficient grounds for a marriage to be annulled, never mind getting a divorce.

'a person lacks capacity in relation to a matter if at the material time he is unable to make a decision for himself in relation to the matter because of an impairment of, or a disturbance in the functioning of, the mind or brain.'

I wouldn't want to be a carer who provides sex occasionally.

If he's otherwise perfectly capable and always has been, I'd be marching him off to the doctor's for urgent assessment.

What's with the rage against shouting. I love a good shout

We are all different. I come from an abusive home where my mum took out her life frustrations on us DC physically and verbally. Being the subject of a lengthy, yelled, rant about our so-called faults and shortcomings was part of day to day life. We would be cowed into powerless fear and submission. Even today (and I’m nearly 60) someone raising their voice to me can reduce me to that helpless, abused child again. Luckily my DH might be useless at practical things but he is caring and considerate and never raises his voice to me.

What's with the rage against shouting. I love a good shout.

You might like it, but the people you're shouting at may not enjoy it as much!

I hate being shouted at. Absolutely hate it. I think it's really belittling and it's designed to just shut the other person down by you yelling over them constantly. It's horrible and I cringe when I hear it happen.

If someone shouts at me I just walk away and don't want to listen to it. A shouting adult makes me think of someone who has just lost all control and has no rational argument, therefore all they have left is their voice. My old boss was a shouter and I just lost all respect for him. A grown man getting all red in the face and shouting at junior staff - awful.

I'm guessing he looks like Tom Cruise and when you saw him strut his stuff at the disco many moons ago you didn't know or care if he could work a Hoover? He needs to grow up now but you can't make him. You'll just be frustrated and miserable. or homocidal

A shouting adult makes me think of someone who has just lost all control and has no rational argument

Whilst I do agree with this, if the OP has asked him politely and respectfully to help over and over and over again and is getting nowhere then I can understand how she got to the point of shouting. Of course noone should be shouting but there are situations when you have repeatedly tried to make yourself heard and if you are constantly being ignored then can the person on the receiving end really be blamed for losing their cool and shouting?

Wtf is the deal with ironing tshirts on the carpet?

My husband is an excellent doer when he is home he does 50:50 of the work so he is a good egg. But..........whenever there is something wrong for example we had a leaking pipe under the bath that dripped water into the kitchen whenever anyone had a shower. He stood under the plaster crack on the floor squinting at it with his nose crunckled up for ages then back and forth from the living room into the kitchen squinting at it. It drove me mad so I got a plumber out to do it.
He also has no sense of urgency if we have an appointment somewhere and he is working from home even after houre. Our son and I can be stood near the door ready to go out and he will just find one more thing that needs to be done on the computer. He has OCD and needs to check everything its really debilitating for him and it makes me sad to see him so stuck while im supressing my inner rage. I know he can't help it.

@MimiLaRue I wasn't really referring to OP with that comment.

It was directed at a PP who said she loved a good shout. While everyone shouts occasionally through frustration or temper or fear, it's not something that most people should do on a regular basis because they enjoy it!

@MorrisZapp yes, the dopey husbands who use an ironing board!

Oh please. OP, YANBU. All these excuses. Us women can be so gullible and naive. There is nothing wrong with him he is simply using the oldest trick in the male book; pretend you don't understand and can't do it, so you will take over. He knows exactly what he's doing and he is playing you for a fool, complete with giving you attitude. if he won't do it, you won't either. Time for him to receive a wake-up call with you going on strike and not doing anything for him at all. E.g washing clothes. If he can't operate the washing machine and you've shown him, just refuse to wash his laundry. When he runs out of anything to wear, trust this - he will suddenly figure it out. Acting stupid with household chores is the most common trick men pull. Don't cave in and do things for him, because it's exactly how he is playing you.

If he didn't stop being manipulative and playing these games, I would consider if I wanted to be living like this. You refer to him as DP, so consider it a blessing you are not yet married and can leave him easily.

It's a bit of an insult to people with dyspraxia etc to say that that would explain all of his behaviour. I can see how it might take him a while to figure out the hoover. But to then go off in a strop? That's not the dyspraxia is it, that's him thinking why keep a dog when I can bark myself

I’m sure it’s not meant as an insult but it sure does feel that way! I’m dyspraxic and autistic and I can somehow manage to change lightbulbs, work out new hoovers, slap some paint on woodwork etc. But then again I’m a woman so I have to just get on with things, why is dyspraxia always trotted out when men are being lazy and incompetent? To me this sounds like strategic incompetence and classic obstacle inventing.

Oh how funny it is to joke about useless men and how we shout at them and should bury them under the patio or direct them to electrocute themselves with the toaster. Just so witty. All because they don't do things exactly as we demand.

I mean, how dare he take some time to work out how a new appliance works (perhaps for fear of using it incorrectly and being shouted at for that)?

How dare he take some time to make sure he fixes the fence properly instead of just getting stuck in with the sledgehammer like a proper bloke?

How dare he spend some time working out the correct light bulb to use (LED , halogen or compact fluorescent? What's the correct equivalent wattage to incandescent? Or should he be checking that the lumens value is correct? What's the fitting? Is that standard bayonet or mini bayonet? Is it a GZ10 or a GU10, because they're only interchangeable one way round? Shit, here comes my wife to shout at me about it - that'll help me make sure I use the right one.)

How dare a man take some time to consider a room and the best way to approach it before decorating, and then doing it "really very well"?

Some people on here really need to listen to themselves, because it's just not at all funny.

I have dyspraxia, I find it hard to comprehend a task if there's 4 tasks waiting behind it. This is a one step task with clear instruction... Sometimes a spade is a spade.

I was going to say are you sure he isn't Dyspraxic. My DH is a bit like this. Google the symptoms and see if any of them fit.

I'm dyspraxic (diagnosed as a teen) and I can work a frickin hoover. And if I couldn't I'd read the instructions or ask someone for help rather than switching it on and staring at it, waiting for divine intervention 🙄

I mean, how dare he take some time to work out how a new appliance works (perhaps for fear of using it incorrectly and being shouted at for that)

OP said these things never get done though, no matter how much "thinking time" he gets. The issue isn't the thinking time, its the fact he thinks about it and after a day, it still hasn't been done, meaning the OP is doing literally everything instead. thats hardly fair is it? that the OP never gets time off to think

OP said these things never get done though, no matter how much "thinking time" he gets.

Well the OP has only actually talked about what happened yesterday, in a single post on AIBU (with all the inherent bias that represents). But, as usual, the vipers have extrapolated, generalised and done their worst.

This thread would be absolutely unthinkable if the sexes were reversed.

Seriously, in what world is it funny to joke about electrocuting your husband with a toaster because he didn’t know how to work it?

I'd sympathise with him if he genuinely was dopey but he sounds lazy. I bet he'd find the initiative if there wasn't someone else on hand to do all the work for him.

If he was sitting, reading the instructions, without touching the machine - that's one thing.

However, he started the cordless vacuum up and kept it running for some time, whilst dithering.

If he has a phone, then he understands how batteries lose charge and how running the machine down reduces the length of time it can be used for.

YADNBU

Seriously, in what world is it funny to joke about electrocuting your husband with a toaster because he didn’t know how to work it

I never said it was funny, nor did I comment on that. But what kind of man is happy to just let his wife do all of the household chores? I think you are looking for excuses here when the bald fact is- maybe he's just fcking lazy. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then its probably.........a duck

But what kind of man is happy to just let his wife do all of the household chores?

Quite possibly one whose wife literally shouts at them for not doing said chores in her prescribed way?

Someone asked how he copes at work. Please tell us he's an electrician?

My son is like this. If you ask him to do 3 things he can’t decide where to start so doesn’t do any of them. He also has a processing disorder and autism. So does his dad who wasn’t diagnosed til he was 47.

Quite possibly one whose wife literally shouts at them for not doing said chores in her prescribed way

Or, one who is fed up of being tethered to a lazy ass husband who does fck all around the house.