To have shouted at DP for weirdness / dopeyness?

[SmashedPumpkinz]

DP is incapable of thinking for himself. He has no initiative and it’s driving me crazy. Some of his behaviours are so odd and weird and it’s starting to really irritate me.

I’ve just bought a hard floor cleaner/vacuum. I was spending all day yesterday painting woodwork and DP was just sat there not knowing what to do. So I asked him to use the new floor cleaner for the first time. It’s cordless and I’d spent the previous day charging the battery (which only works for 45 mins). The whole house needed a floor clean. I heard him turn it on and it didn’t sound like it was actually moving so admittedly I thought he’d turned it on so I could hear it but had then just sat down. I was fuming. I went in to check and walked in to the cleaner on full blast stationary in the middle of the floor and DP just stood there looking at it suspiciously. I said “what are you doing???” He said “I’m just working it out”. I get mad and turned it off saying “what is there to work out?? You turn it on and move it across the floor!!! You don’t stand there watching it drain it’s battery!”

He decided that he didn’t like my attitude towards him at the point and refused to continue with it. He did fuck all yesterday ... everything he was supposed to do he literally spent the entire time “working it out” ... changing light bulbs, fixing the bed, cleaning the floors, fixing the fence ... none done as he was too busy “working it out”

I'm sure he realised he had to move the cleaner but perhaps he was looking at different settings, thinking you might have to keep it in one place for a certain amount of time etc ...

I’m not saying the OP has to stay with him. To be fair the staring at the floor cleaner would have annoyed me immensely. But I don’t know if that makes me a hypocrite because I am sure my procrastinating over many things is annoying to other people too.

There is another thread going at the moment about what ‘adult’ things some people have never done. Changing a light bulb has come up on there.

I remember many years ago I changed a light bulb in a rear light in my car. Somehow got it very wrong and every time I braked every single light in the car came on!! Some people are better getting other people to do things! Doesn’t mean they can’t do other things though.

It's a bit of an insult to people with dyspraxia etc to say that that would explain all of his behaviour. I can see how it might take him a while to figure out the hoover. But to then go off in a strop? That's not the dyspraxia is it, that's him thinking why keep a dog when I can bark myself.

My daughter has ADHD and struggles with a few things, a real pressure point for her is when she has to do something practical based off of a verbal explanation. (I find that quite hard as well.) She goes pony riding and every week she struggles with the harness and saddle, what to put where and in what order. She worries about being able to do it, and she gets quite stressed out, and then she manages it. I think this is why things like ADHD are underdiagnosed in women and girls - when something is hard, we've been socialised to get on with it and not make it someone else's problem.

The strop was likely due to being shouted out and treated like an idiot! Or should he have just smiled and said thank you?!

that's him thinking why keep a dog when I can bark myself.

Or why bark when you have a dog (unless there's another joke I'm completely missing, which is quite possible).

My son is like this. He has autism and dyspraxia. Nice to know women will treat him like complete shit when he’s older...

Why? Is he planning to lie about having autism and dyspraxia, to keep people guessing? People he's in an intimate relationship with? Why would he do that? Why would you expect him to do that?

lottie many people don't know they have dyspraxia or autism. For some people they only realise when their DC is diagnosed and the recognise a number of traits in themselves

Well it's not OPs job to diagnose him. If he's failing to adult then he needs to get off his arse and find out why.

But yes any partner I'm with I would expect them to contribute to my life.
If they didn't then it wouldn't have gotten past dating.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

my dimwit needed showing how to use a toaster when we first moved in together "Turn it on, yes that's right at the wall - now are we sure it is on? Good! Now find a knife, no, not that one, that's plastic - I mean a nice conductive metal knife. Now see those slots at the top of the toaster? That's where knives go ..."

I proper LOL'd at that!

ineedaholidaynow I was quoting and responding directly another poster, Scunnnnnered who TOLD us her son has autism and dyspraxia. So, unless she hasn't told him and isn't planning to...

is he dyspraxic?

Why is this always trotted out when someone complaining about their lazy Male partner.

I'm dyslexic and dyspraxic but I'm a fully functioning adult, but then I female so I have to be.

But yes any partner I'm with I would expect them to contribute to my life.

How did we go from one person not getting on with chores on a particular day at the speed expected by their partner to them not contributing to their life?

Talking about dramatic assumptions!

Gawd! Does noone ever shout on Mumsnet.
What's with the rage against shouting. I love a good shout.

Chores are a massive part of my life atm. Somebody who expected to be in a relationship with me and live with me and not pull their weight would negatively impact on my life. So I would not want to continue that relationship.

Or why bark when you have a dog

Aye. That one

I'm quite interested to see what this hard wood floor cleaner looks like. You say he was stood looking at it suspiciously, which suggests he genuinely wasn't sure how it worked. Does it have different settings/buttons? It sounds like he could be pretty lazy and quite incompetent. But then, perhaps he does things differently to you and likes to know exactly how something works before he starts on it, and if you have come and shouted at him part way through I can see why he might go off in a huff. My partner is very intelligent and capable at some things, but also not very practically minded. We were putting up some furniture the other day and I had to walk out of the room and 'breathe' because I was getting frustrated at how long it would take him to read an instruction, double check it, double check the parts, move things around etc before doing each bit. I'd have just whacked it together and hoped for the best. However, he built it in the end and he wasn't trying to be lazy or get out of it he just approaches things differently. I could have yelled at him or taken over and if I had we'd have ended up in a fight. 'There are things I do that similarly irritate him, we have to be patient sometimes and use each others strengths. Only you know whether you have been reasonable or not in this situation and whether he does other things that make up for his lack of practicalness.

lottie my dad is dyspraxic and also probably on the autistic spectrum (is at an age where diagnosis was v uncommon).

He was v good looking when younger and very very smart, but he's absolutely useless at anything practical, worse than OPs sounds. He married a plain but practical woman in my mum who has mostly accepted his limitations and has always done everything, I guess she accepted the trade off.

For the OPs partner, I don't know whether he has any redeeming features that make him a good partner in other ways.

You sound unpleasantly dismissive of your spouse.

Who cares if it takes him a minute to work it out? Worse case scenario it runs out of battery and he has to stop to charge it. There's no need to treat your partner like an idiot. I wouldn't want to clean the floors either if my DH was standing over me criticising my every move whilst I did it.

Noconceptofnormal

Why are you addressing this to me? I'm not especially interested.

If you were to read the thread, from Scunnnnnered 's post at 10.03am onwards, you will see the context for my response, specifically to her. I took the trouble to quote and name her, to make the fact I was responding to that post as clear as possible. Many other people also responded to her post.

My DH is like this, he has dispraxia and is on a waiting list for autism assessment. It's annoying when he doesn't 'read between the lines'
Eg I'll clean the kitchen, you sort the washing. He will look at the washing and do what he thinks needs doing then thinks he's done. So he will fold the dry washing into a pile but won't realise that there's more to be done, such as hang the wet up. I have to be specific in what I say or he won't realise. If I say "can you do fold the dry, hang the wet and put another load on" he will, I sometimes forget and say "can you sort the washing" and then he struggles to know what to do

What's with the rage against shouting. I love a good shout.
I'll happily have a heated argument, which might get quite loud - with both people exchanging opinions - but if I found myself shouting at my dp as if he was an idiot, I'd feel quite ashamed afterwards.

oh this is how my husband is. Hes a 42 year old man, with a degree and a full time job but seems useless at day to day jobs.
He will just sit on his arse all day in front of his pc. Yesterday I vacuumed upstairs, did washing, ironing, tidied boys rooms. We needed shopping and he was stood next to the car on his phone while ds age 3 was trying to get in the car. I said help him in please and get off your phone. He said oh you can talk you have been on your phone all morning. Had I fuck I was doing housework. I will say have you put ds on the potty? he looks at me blankly and says did you ask me to? no fuck off you don't need me to tell you to!

Well shouting is a form of verbal abuse.

It is a step before physical aggression.

I’ve raised my voice to my child in fustration, when I’m beginning to lose it, and then realise I am beginning to lose it, and back down and apoligize.

But shouting my head off? Never.

To be fair the OP didn’t sound like she was screaming and shouting, it sounded more like a quick really raised voice. Which is why I’d say apologise but wouldn’t necesssarily say it was abusive. It’s the pattern that makes things abusive too.

"If he can hold down a job, he most definitely can help being like this."

Depends how practical his job is. I can work a computer and a phone, but I couldn't fix a fence or a bed. I've never used a carpet cleaner either or a hoover that's on battery rather than plugged in so wouldn't know what to do with those.