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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my friend to buy presents for my dd?

95 replies

Cathy10 · 05/09/2007 11:56

my "best" friend (childless) has 'forgotten' my DDs birthday - she also seemed to 'forget' my eldest's birthday earlier this year. Not even a card. I feel offended, esp when the last time she text me to say she had been too busy at work to remember!!!! Then we met up and no card no pressie despite the fact I went on about the party etc. Its her birthday soon and I feel like 'forgetting' hers. Birthdays to me are so important esp for children what do you think I should do - should I say anything or just accept she will no longer buy them anything?

OP posts:

ZoMbIeTaLcY · 05/09/2007 21:53

AuntJetPetunia · 05/09/2007 21:54

All you ANGRY people should be ashamed at how dim you have been to misread Cathy's perfectly clear OP!

"to expect my friend to buy presents for my dd" of COURSE means "I am NOT interested in only monetary things - how offensive"

and naturally

"should I say anything or just accept she will no longer buy them anything?" = "I felt a bit sad that our lives are so different now"

Plain as the nose on your face!

smeeinit · 05/09/2007 21:55

i feel ashamed at being so angry,im angry with myself for coming across as angry!

gess · 05/09/2007 22:00

pmsl at this thread.

StarryStarryNight · 05/09/2007 22:05

Cathy,

My best friend (and also some friends who are not that close) buy presents for my kids. I have two boys. My best friend even buys presents when it is not birthday or Christmas, but she even brings them little things if she is out travelling. She buys me stuff too. She is that kind of person. People are just different.

But you said: "not buy presents anylonger". Did she in the past? So she built up some expectations, and then she stopped, and you wonder what it means.

I guess she is just so busy, and for all you know, maybe she cannot afford it. And maybe she reckons birthday is over now, and your daughter will be confused to suddenly get a present when it is not her birthday.

Let it pass. She is your friend. Value that. I hope that my best friend value me, I am not a present buying type of person.....

bran · 05/09/2007 23:12

I just had a thought that is so startlingly profound that I am either a genius or very tired and seeing depth in the bloody obvious.

If a person posts an AIBU question which is universally thought to actually be unreasonable, that person is very unlikely to accept the general consensus in anything like a reasonably manner, because she is, in fact, unreasonable as proved by her original post.

Time for me to sleep I think. Stating the obvious and thinking it's deep is a sign of drunkeness or lack of sleep and I'm definitely not drunk (sadly).

StarryStarryNight · 05/09/2007 23:25

Now that is profound.

Drunk and Deep and Tired. I wonder, bran, what made you philosophise this?

I think a name change is due: DrunkDeepAndTired

I had to read and reread, but maybe it is just me being dim and tired.

oranges · 05/09/2007 23:27

So the OP should read: "my "best" friend (childless) has 'forgotten' my DDs birthday - she also seemed to 'forget' my eldest's birthday earlier this year. Not even a card. I feel offended, esp when the last time she text me to say she had been too busy at work to remember!!!! Then we met up and no card no pressie despite the fact I went on about the party etc. Its her birthday soon and I feel like 'forgetting' hers. Birthdays to me are so important esp for children what do you think I should do - should I say anything or just accept she will no longer buy them anything?" none of the above is true.

Baffy · 06/09/2007 08:40

pmsl at bran's post! sums it up very well

cathy I know it's hard when everyone disagrees with you and you weren't expecting it - usually best to just come on and say 'ok fair enough, I hold my hands up, in the op I was being unreasonable... this is what I really feel about the situation now... thanks for all the replies though...'

hope you're not too upset by the thread, people just responded to the op as it was at the time

Isababel · 06/09/2007 08:43

My friends find themselves surprised if I manage to remember they have a birthday forget about me trying to remember their children birthdays, that's well beyond my capabilities. I seem to forget what day I live on and it is not unknow of me to forget even my mum's birthday

Having said all that, I still believe YABU.

oaktree · 06/09/2007 08:46

HAven't read al post so srry if duppplicating. 3 of my friends also my borther -all of whom have kids forgot my Ds forst birthday - no card or presnet - soI know how tehOp feels. i posted on here also to be told that yes I was being unreasonalbe but truth be told i am still pissed off at them for my dds sake. To me it feels that it means they don't really consider her ( and therefore me) to be of any great importnace or worthy of acknowlegedment. Whilst i hvaen't let it stop me sedning thier kids cards etc it has soured a little bit how I feel about them now. so I would say to teh Op no YARBU!!
sorry for typos

Original poster

Cathy10 · 21/09/2007 22:28

yep. I am pissed off that she doesn't think my DD (and therefore me) to be of any great importance. if a friend (of over 20 years) can't remember a birthday - to not even send a card or a text - then its a v v v v sad day. Will we all just forget christmmas, will we all just forget caring for anyone else other than ourselves because we ARE JUST TOO BUSY??? how v sad.

OP posts:

AuntJetPetunia · 21/09/2007 22:40

Blimey, have you been mulling this over for a fortnight??? Cathy, I can understand why you feel hurt that your friend did not acknowledge your dd's birthday, if birthdays are extremely important to you. I think the fact is, that they do not have the same significance for everyone. It does not mean that you (and your dc) are not important to your friend. I think you came across as unreasonable with the title "to expect presents" That was totally unreasonable.

mumeeee · 21/09/2007 22:40

YABU.I never expect my friends to buy presents and cards for my children.

AuntJetPetunia · 21/09/2007 22:45

"Caring for eachother" is not just about buying presents. I would be pissed off if a friend I had never showed me that she cared, never took interest in my dd, or never called. But if my friend did all of the above and simply didn't send a card for my dd's birthday I would not care in the slightest. It just isn't the most important thing in life.

mm22bys · 22/09/2007 07:45

YABU to "expect" presents, but I can understand your disappointment, especially if she has been a friend for so long, but true friendships IMO don't revolve around cards / presents - it's more important if they're there when you need them (and vice versa of course!).

haychee · 22/09/2007 07:59

YABU
I had a big falling out with MIl over a birthday card we had forgotton to send to her sister (dhs aunt). We are busy people and we had bought and wrote the card, but the aunt in question had recently moved and we didnt have the new address. We could of tried harder to find the address but this year it got forgotton. MIL was furious, she rang me and told me off, like we just hadnt bothered. I thought it was incredibly rude to expect cards and gifts. It was dd1s birthday last week and i drummed it in to her that she shouldnt expect cards or presents, if she does get some then she is a lucky girl. I cant stand this, holding out hands and "where is my present" type attitude that children these days do.
I think you too should encourage them to have the same attitude, if your dc get gifts or cards from your best friend then they are very lucky dc. Its certainly not worth being cross about with your friend about. Friends are much much more than just what they can buy for your dc on their birthdays.

harleyd · 22/09/2007 08:04

fgs get over it already
presents should not be expected

Upwind · 22/09/2007 08:16

"I just had a thought that is so startlingly profound that I am either a genius or very tired and seeing depth in the bloody obvious.

If a person posts an AIBU question which is universally thought to actually be unreasonable, that person is very unlikely to accept the general consensus in anything like a reasonable manner, because she is, in fact, unreasonable as proved by her original post.

hmm Time for me to sleep I think. Stating the obvious and thinking it's deep is a sign of drunkeness or lack of sleep and I'm definitely not drunk (sadly). grin"

Bran, that is one of the best posts I have read in months! Thanks for making me laugh

Snaf · 22/09/2007 08:19

You sound exhaustingly high-maintenance, if I may be so bold...

I don't have a clue when most of my friend's birthdays are, let alone those of their offspring. I forgot my godson's birthday this year - which obviously I felt bad about once I remembered! - but I would have been very upset if his mother had reacted towards me in the way you have reacted towards your friend.

True friendship is not about the buying of cards and presents. My friends (luckily for me ) know that.

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