To struggle to move on from parents divorce?

[AdultChildofDivorce]

My parents divorced when I was 16,
I’m almost 30 now..

But I’m still struggling with the aftermath of their divorce..

I really can’t forgive how they didn’t pay attention to helping us stay as a family unit and how they didn’t take us into consideration when marrying their new partners.

I still have Rage about how me and my siblings, as adult as we may be, felt suddenly abandoned by our parents.. and I have developed long term depression over it

I can’t speak to anyone about it because most people think I’m childish and selfish for not moving on because I’m an adult now with my own family.

So I was wondering whether I can make sense of things anonymously.

It’s not that they’re divorced. It’s that they’re on horrible terms , NC.. and endless dispute where I’m stuck in the middle trying to be a peace maker . And after my efforts To make peace I feel so unimportant to them and soooo pushed out of their lives.

Having my own family actually made me feel worse.. I have two babies and I feel so upset that my parents don’t feel the desire to be there for me when I was pregnant and that I feel I can never rely on them if something happened to me and I needed urgent help with the kids.

I just don’t feel like I have a support network even though I’ve been their support network all my life.

but I’m mostly angry because my younger siblings, who were not adult enough at the time (15, 9) grew up in the midst of it all and are really struggling emotionally and I’ve been trying to be there for them while my parents take no responsibility for their behavior and instead put it down to “move on, this is life” or blaming each other as they can’t take any responsibility for anything

OP, in the gentlest way, you need to see a therapist about this. YANBU but only to a point. It’s hard, it is. Think of it this way - they are still your parents but their relationship is not the same relationship you have with either of them. It’s so hard to feel your parents aren’t there for you but you’re also asking that they basically stayed together for the rest of their lives for you to feel stable and that’s not how real life always works out. I’m so sorry you’re having a bad time of it. If they won’t take responsibility that’s shit but you’re an adult, you’re the only person who can take responsibility of your own feelings now x

It’s so hard to feel your parents aren’t there for you but you’re also asking that they basically stayed together for the rest of their lives for you to feel stable and that’s not how real life always works out.

I’m really not. I’m just feeling shit that they decided to “open a new chapter” in their lives where e get suddenly treated like we are a distant relative.

When I say stay as a family unit, I meant that I beleive this can still happen when they’re divorced. But staying civil for our sake and keeping us informed about the changes in their lives and relationships

Have you considered therapy? It might be helpful to speak things through and thrash out these feelings which still remain

Oh gosh Yanbu. My parents divorced very acrimoniously and I still suffer the effects now-my emotional walls are very high to the point where I’ve only just let my husband past them after twenty years! I’ve come to terms with it through counselling and really
Looking after my own mental health.

I’m now a teacher and I get so FUCKING ANGRY when I see parents divorce and not really giving a shit about the effects of their kids. There’s a good way to divorce and anything else is really really fucking shit for the kids. And because divorce is so common everyone expects you just to be on with it and not be that bothered.

Haggisfish
Hugs sister from another broken home

A house doesn’t break from divorce, it really breaks from the attitude of the parents afterwards though is what I now believe.

There’s a good way to divorce and anything else is really really fucking shit for the kids

This

I did consider therapy. But I’m still getting used to motherhood and I did find it really intense for me to cope with the emotions it brought up... I put it on hold for now.

Haggisfish

Did you manage to get support outside of therapy? Friends or relatives or family ?

I feel sooo awkward to explain to anyone why I’m sooooo depressed because I feel their initial reaction is to assume that I’m too childish to be happy for my parents that they moved on with life.

It’s not that they moved on, ITS how they shat on us in the process..

Things that happen during our childhoods/teen years can really have a huge impact on our development so I don’t think you’re BU for having these feelings even years later. I do think it might be beneficial for you to have some professional support when you’re ready

Tbh my friends were great but too close to me. The real insight came from an independent Counsellor saying ‘it wasn’t your fault’ and ‘how they behave is not your fault’. Having my own children made me determined not to put them through the same. I thought very long and hard about who and if I had children with and I try very hard to parent my dc well. I never say me and dh won’t divorce to dc but i do try to model good relationship behaviour (healthy arguing and lots of love, affection, respect and gratitude) for them to see.

I have had counselling from various people. I would say don’t just go with the first person you try. If you feel they don’t ‘get’ you, try another one. My best we’re relate, one I saw at uni and a phone counsellor through my union.

I agree with a poster that you need to talk to somebody professional about this.

My parents stayed together and their 'unitness' (ie, the codependent enabling the controller) was not good for me either.

So many marriages are flawed. So much parenting is actually quite poor.

But you can identify what left its scar and you and you can get over it. It would be NICE if your parents acknowledged the harm the upset caused you but they will probably feel they had no choice. fwiw I am no contact with my children's father. First of all to protect myself and emotionally detach, but then because he is a narc, he went no contact bigger and better than me!

So, it's not always easy to do what you read in a parenting manual. Real life is more challenging. I could be reasonable for myself for instance, but I cannot be reasonable on behalf of my x.

Anyway, I think psychotherapy would help a lot.

I still wish I'd had a better childhood, but I didn't and that's how it was. Accept it and heal yourself.

Ps, yes, I wish I'd had psychotherapy before I'd had DC.

I didn't even realise the damage my parents' parenting had done so salute to anybody who figures it out before they choose a partner and have children. :-/

Another thing I have to accept.

YANBU. It sounds like they emotionally checked out and made you feel abandoned. That doesn’t vanish just because you hit 30. It stays with you regardless of age.

It’s natural to want a close bond with your family your whole life. Those bonds matter so deeply and any dysfunction in them hurts and takes time to heal.

Your trust has been damaged and that’s so core.

Anyone minimising this for you can bugger off.

But this is basically nothing to do with them divorcing or staying together. This is about their actions towards you. That’s totally different.

Many people divorce and get on fine. Many people don’t divorce and still don’t give a shit about their children’s lives.

You really need to see a therapist who will be able to help you navigate these feelings.

Your parents staying together won’t have automatically meant you would have all had a happy ever after. That’s probably why people might think you’re too old to think like this. Because as adults we should be able to recognise that life isn’t black and white.

But their treatment of you is a complexly different thing.

Shouldn’t divorced parents make their adult kids feel welcomed in their childhood homes? Or is that a non issue ?

My dad took our childhood home and his wife never made us feel welcome aside from feeling like incredibly imposing yearly guests

While mum settled in the council house we ended up in after we lost everything to the divorce and after she found her partner years later, we now also don’t feel as welcomed as before... because her husband decided to sleep in the living room on weeekends so it’s up to him when he decides that she can host us or not.

We are on good terms with both their spouses but both spouses expect us to behave like we are unimportant in our parents lives, and that we need to go throhhh them first to get to our parents

AtrociousCircumstance

Thank you. Your words really helped. Got a tear in my eye.

aroundtheworldyet it’s how they couldn’t distinguish between their anger towards each other and divorce, and their bond as parents with us.

The sudden change in attitude towards us as soon as they met a new spouse..

but they could have easily been like that with you without a divorce. Caught up in hating each other in some co-dependant relationship

Anyway the overwhelming point is, this needs to be worked through with a therapist. Because I think even you realise is very very complex.

And I’m sorry to say this but if you delve deep into this. You’ll probably work out they hadn’t really changed that much. People don’t over night become selfish and self absorbed. It’s there somewhere in the past too.

My dad as soon as he divorced mum, flew to another country and married and settled there without letting us know (mum was NC for a while) .. that hit hard

Then same year, mum asked us if we could live with our grandparents because she met someone and wanted to relocate with them across England.. we hadn’t even met the person at that point.

I had never felt so unloved and abandoned and unimportant in my life..

It didn’t end up working out for her but that wasn’t because of us..

And then... she considered someone from America who wanted her to travel there.

I expected better from mum. And even though I tried to make amends with dad.. he never really made me feel welcomed..

Ah I’m so angry

sorry it’s all so shitty. They sound horrific. Really it does help talking to someone about it.