To struggle to move on from parents divorce?

[AdultChildofDivorce]

My parents divorced when I was 16,
I’m almost 30 now..

But I’m still struggling with the aftermath of their divorce..

I really can’t forgive how they didn’t pay attention to helping us stay as a family unit and how they didn’t take us into consideration when marrying their new partners.

I still have Rage about how me and my siblings, as adult as we may be, felt suddenly abandoned by our parents.. and I have developed long term depression over it

I can’t speak to anyone about it because most people think I’m childish and selfish for not moving on because I’m an adult now with my own family.

So I was wondering whether I can make sense of things anonymously.

It’s not that they’re divorced. It’s that they’re on horrible terms , NC.. and endless dispute where I’m stuck in the middle trying to be a peace maker . And after my efforts To make peace I feel so unimportant to them and soooo pushed out of their lives.

Having my own family actually made me feel worse.. I have two babies and I feel so upset that my parents don’t feel the desire to be there for me when I was pregnant and that I feel I can never rely on them if something happened to me and I needed urgent help with the kids.

I just don’t feel like I have a support network even though I’ve been their support network all my life.

You really do need counciling because you have such a need to get years of resentment out .
I was the peacemaker too and know it will s not a worthwhile role to take as it means you suck up all the hurt from all sides and have nowhere to vent it yourself.Although my parents communication together was hard and confusing for us we never felt unloved which made making sense of how we felt as adults easier.

YANBU OP and I’m sorry to hear your story. I think that if you make the decision to have children it is then your responsibility to give them as happy a life as you can, you no longer put yourself first. Your parents failed you, and that is a really difficult thing to come to terms with.

Echo what others say about getting therapy for yourself. You’ve made a good first step by coming on here and opening up, now try to do the same IRL. for you.

I just don’t know why we were worth their sacrifices (major sacrifices) before the divorce and stopped being worth it after (absolutely nothing).

My parents sacrificed a loooot for us before the divorce. But absolutely checked out when they divorced.

They both love us but we’re both desperate to be loved that we no longer became worth it

I guess desperation makes people selfish. I forgive it and move on...

But I really didn’t understand why they couldnt find love without completely checking out emotionally with us... it’s not like we were rivals ? We actively supported them to find love.

Our existence burdened them..

Except when they need us. .

Were desperate*

My brother broke down two days ago in tears telling mum she makes him feel worthless

My youngest brother who spent his teenage years relatively speechless... today went into full rage mode about how he feels worthless

I feel so broken on their behalf. I have my own family but they don’t. They’re really not coping and I feel like I’ve tried to be the mother they didn’t have when my mother checked out and I’m in so much pain to see that they’re not coping and I’m angry because I feel deep down I wanted to fill in that gap but couldn’t.

I feeel so helpless..

And worse of all, because of the way my parents were attacking each other after divorce.. part of keeping the peace was me pretending that my relationship with the other parent was absolutelt spot on.. no issues.. no one kicked me out.. no One told me they’re abandoning us to live across the country.. nothing. It was a happy family unit on the other side...

Else the other parent got the rage from the one asking... and I would’ve felt to blame.

In hindsight, it made my parents feel relieved that checking out and seeing their life was fair Nd square. They didn’t realise we were getting nothing from the other side either.

The battle to win us over which I beleived was out of love, was totally just out of spite and behind the scene was parents that didn’t really want us.

Some people really shouldn’t have kids

It’s infuriating, it’s sad, it eats you alive at night but it’s just something we have to face....I have found writing things down and listening to silly angry music helps me. Take care and feel what you are feeling it’s perfectly reasonable you don’t need therapy. Time heals all wounds and all that...

Growing up with parents that are always arguing and point scoring isn't always a bouquet of roses.
I was always quite jealous of my older half sister, who could escape home to her Dads', and although I moved out when I was sixteen, my Mum was a master manipulator who in my late teens tried everything to try and get me to move home again, not leave my home town to come to London.
Parents are people - they have their own lives, loves and hates.

YANBU and I struggle with my parents separation over 20 years ago too. I would recommend counselling.

I don’t trust myself

I love my children more than anything on the planet..

But I beleived my parents loved me and then they suddenly switched off one day..

I am so scared I will one day become that parent because I don’t understand what it took my parents to make that transition and I’m not sure how to convince myself I’m not the same... unless I understand what was going in their minds..

I love my kids and really want to trust myself to not let them feel abandoned and i am angry with myself that I can’t point out exactly how I’m different

They loved me once too... they really did.

I think we are different because of the choices we make and the actions we do. We all have feelings and thoughts but it’s what we choose to actually do that makes the difference.