Mother tells friends she s ill but 'witholds' telling me

[Elizabella]

AIBU? Just had a call with my mother who had a heart attack last year with stents fitted etc. She keeps having issues with not feeling well and keeps going back to hospital where they do BP/pulse/ECG that shows she is not having further heart attacks. I think there are issues as they are increasing the heart medications up to optimal levels and some of the medications can cause unpleasant side effects until the body learns to tolerate them.

My issue is this. She tells her friends before she tells me that she has been to hospital. Previously she had a cancer scare and swore her friends to secrecy but didn't tell me until one of her friends took me to one side to tell me how brave and unselfish my mother was not to worry me etc. Now, I don't see it that way. I just feel angry and manipulated because my mother has in years previously used health to manipulate me emotionally. It just makes me feel so angry and annoyed and stressed. I actually feel my adrenaline levels rising and stress rising. I suffer from anxiety myself.

AIBU to expect her to tell me of medical issues before she tells her friends especially given that I am an only child? She is constantly dropping hints that she wants me to move to where she is/move in with her etc. She is 71 years old.

Well, I think YANBU but my mother does the same so maybe we are BU together. It's really hurtful. Mine also uses medical stuff for manipulation, there are clearly some complex issues going on there for her. When I was pregnant, her medical issues really ramped up. An attention thing maybe. No wise words but I just wanted you to know, it's not just you.

As a mother with grown up children, not telling you about medical things. is not meant to be hurtful in any way. It's still instinct to protect our children and that's why we do it. As to the manipulation I have no advice I'm afraid.

My Mother does this at 79. She emailed me last week, to tell me she's been in hospital. She definitely enjoys the drama of hospitals and sometimes I wonder whether she has white coat syndrome. Doctors and hospitals is all she ever talks about.

Or Münchhausen syndrome.

she's trying to manipulate you by inflating your anxiety about her health to draw you in and make you feel as if you have to be her carer
if I was you I would see the writing on the wall live as far away from her as possible and take no interest in her health issues, she's only going to get worse

Look up “medium chill” strategy on FOg website. Won’t stop her behaviour but will give you a constructive, non-drama approach to help you feel in control of your boundaries.

swore her friends to secrecy
actually the friends are being used as flying monkeys, they are all part of the manipulation game, you're being triangulated by one of those narcissistic types
I'm so sorry💐

I have no idea why she keeps her medical information from you, maybe she doesn't want you to worry, or maybe because you'll suggest/insist she sees a Dr/changes her lifestyle etc and she doesn't want to hear it.

Whatever her reason, she is an adult and entitled to her privacy and to tell or not tell her medical information to whoever she wants.

She doesn't tell you but she makes sure that there's a backchannel who will tell you and who will make you feel bad because everyone else is in on the secret and you arent.
It's to make you feel as if you're not doing enough for her as and if you have to try and compete with her friends to be the lucky one who gets to be the first to have all the information about her health problems.

I don't tell my DDs either. I don't want them to worry.

I do not tell my children about my medical problems either - if I actually received a serious diagnosis, I would tell them once I knew what it involved, otherwise what’s the point? You don’t have an automatic right to know her medical history

My mother does this too, but I can understand why. My brother get really bossy around her when she is ill. Her withholding information is to avoid being infantilised by him.

You can't change her behaviour, but what you can do is change your reaction to it. I offer sympathy when she tells me but do not get upset if I find out from other sources. I can't fix her - so not knowing is not going to change her health outcome. Not knowing her full health status does not change how much I care about her & how positively I respond when she asks for help. If she gets upset by my non response I point out I am not a mind reader. Now she realises that I will leave her to make her own decisions and she can retain agency she tells me more.

I wouldn't move in with her!!! You must keep telling yourself that this is her problem and not yours. You sound perfectly nice, sometimes the person doing the manipulation doesn't really know they are doing it, my mother can be like this sometimes, I just don't think that generation analyse their behaviour as much as younger generations. Just go along with how she wants to play things and don't let on that it bothers you.

I know a parent who did this. She enjoyed the fuss and attention generated when she had to be pressed to admit to medical issue so that relatives could help her. Made as much drama as possible. Incredibly frustrating for the relatives involved who were expected to mind read. It was difficult to make arrangements for her as she would deny over and over again that a lift/or taxi would be useful and then wonder out loud that no one thought to organise it.
I agree you can't change her behavior, but you can try not to let it rattle you. The information is not that confidential if she's sharing it with friends. You could sit her down and try to have a heart to heart about it.
Can you get advice on whether you are official on her GP records as next of kin? This might help if she has to go into hospital.
You know how she will behave in advance now. Is there any way you can keep in communication with her friend for updates so that you are prepared to pre empt health emergencies? Best of luck

YABU
You are not entitled to know your mother's personal health information until she chooses to tell you (any more than she is entitled to know yours). And if you fear her manipulating you with it, you should be pleased you are not her first port of call. You dont have to move in with her, she cant make you, and you dont need to let her make you feel guilty about it either.

Oh are you me?
Well mine told me she was ill ,and was going to hospital for an op
But would not tell me what was wrong with her ,as she didn’t want to worry me .
I worried myself sick not knowing ,imaging everything possible that could be needed ing an operation
She kept this up for months ,claiming she didn’t want to add to my worry

This is my mother talking about her health - 'well something has happened and I didn't want you to worry but... ' But she always tells me. And it's all the drama around it.

Hmm, if one of her friends tries that one again I would cut her off with 'my mother doesn't want me to know and would be so upset that you'd betrayed her trust in this way, I hope you won't gossip about/discuss this with anyone else. My mother will tell me if/when she wants me to know' Stop any attempt to start a discussion or confessional and cut out the third party completely. It will reduce a whole level of drama!

You can't control what she tells you or anyone else, that's for her to decide (I'm not going to comment on her reasons for that) so you need to let your anger go on that one. It's not helping you and doesn't change what your mother does. Do you live some distance from her, OP?

Neither of us share our medical information with our kids. We do tell our friends. Fortunately there’s no interaction so they never find out. The last thing we want is a lot of fuss.

I think most mothers want to try and protect their children and don't what them to worry, so they don't share everything about their health with their children. I don't tell my children about any health issues I might have.but I might want to talk it over with my friends.
I probably would tell them though if I was diagnosed with anything serious because I wouldn't want a serious issue to be a shock to them.

It took my husband a long time to get over the stress of a heart attack and gastric pain can feel like another heart attack . The paramedics told him to always seek advice if he had chest pain, you are at a greater risk of another one if you have already had one.
Perhaps she hasn't told you because it has turned out to be ok.

Parents who think it’s fine to withhold this information from your children - do you ever think about how they would feel if you died and nobody had even let them know you were ill? This happened to a friend of mine - her mother was diagnosed with kidney cancer and didn’t want to ‘worry’ her daughter who lived abroad. She died 6 weeks post diagnosis, and her daughter has never forgiven the rest of the family for keeping the illness a secret and preventing her from being able to say goodbye to her mother.

There’s a world of difference between not wanting to bore your kids with details of your aches & pains, and keeping it secret when something potentially life threatening is going on.

@Elbasabscentpenis, there’s a massive difference between feeling a bit unwell, like OP’s mum, and a diagnosis of terminal cancer.

My mother withholds like this and I find it very hurtful. We have told her this and she still continues. Otherwise we have a good relationship so I have no idea why she does it...

I always say no need to worry until there is something to worry about. However I was pissed off that an ambulance was called for my Dad who had chest pain at 7pm one night but our parents decided not to say anything to my sister and myself until 9.30am the next day because they didn't want to worry us. Considering the ambulance took 6 hours to attend it obviously wasn't an emergency and one of us could have picked him up and taken him to A&E in 40 minutes.