Mother tells friends she s ill but 'witholds' telling me

[Elizabella]

AIBU? Just had a call with my mother who had a heart attack last year with stents fitted etc. She keeps having issues with not feeling well and keeps going back to hospital where they do BP/pulse/ECG that shows she is not having further heart attacks. I think there are issues as they are increasing the heart medications up to optimal levels and some of the medications can cause unpleasant side effects until the body learns to tolerate them.

My issue is this. She tells her friends before she tells me that she has been to hospital. Previously she had a cancer scare and swore her friends to secrecy but didn't tell me until one of her friends took me to one side to tell me how brave and unselfish my mother was not to worry me etc. Now, I don't see it that way. I just feel angry and manipulated because my mother has in years previously used health to manipulate me emotionally. It just makes me feel so angry and annoyed and stressed. I actually feel my adrenaline levels rising and stress rising. I suffer from anxiety myself.

AIBU to expect her to tell me of medical issues before she tells her friends especially given that I am an only child? She is constantly dropping hints that she wants me to move to where she is/move in with her etc. She is 71 years old.

My dd is now 20. I have various conditions which cause constant ill health; dh used to be a hypochondriac but is somewhat better now, especially as he is now getting on a bit, becoming more frail and prone to actual ills. DD, a long time ago, made us promise to tell her when we were ill, so we do. Sometimes I might pull a punch a tiny bit, but we do tell her. She'll pick up on it anyway, find out at some point, so it's better to tell her than let her worry and stress herself over imaginings/worst case scenarios et'c.

My mother died of cancer 10 years ago. She told the carer she would die 'this week' and also told dh. She didn't tell me. The carer, echoed by dh, both made sure I knew that she'd confided in them. I'm not sure I can forgive her for that. I spent hours a day with, she lived in my house, I'm making myself cry again at the hurt adn it was 10 years ago; it , felt, and still feels, like a total rejection.

Well she can't have it both ways with the hint-dropping; if she's well, it isn't necessary for you to move in, is it? And how would you know otherwise?
If her friends are sent to you on a flying monkey mission, you could just reply that of course your own mother could be trusted to let her own flesh and blood if she were really seriously ill; after all, you are next of kin, so your consent might be needed for emergency procedures.
And if she really is seriously ill, hospital or a nice nursing home would obviously be the best place for her to be properly cared for 24/7.

There's clearly a conflict between a person's right to keep their medical details private and a relative who is in a position of caring for them needing to know so that they can help them. Eg.. when you have to call for medical assistance and you can't provide any useful information or your relative sits there denying their symptoms to a medical professional and you suspect they are denying them, but don't have the full information. Also when you are sitting in the GP's chair and are asked "Is there a history of this in your family" and you are unable to answer.
I think that if a person is sensible and able to communicate what they want, there's not much need to ask for medical information unless its necessary, but if they put you in a position of being the person to get them to A and E or help them access consultants for a diagnosis, then its only fair that they give you some of the information that you need to help them, and witholding just adds to the stress, worry and drama - especially as they have no qualms about sharing with with random other people.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has written back, I DO stress out about t all. I genuinely suffer from severe anxiety and depression (tablets, counselling etc) so it does ramp my anxiety up to the point that I feel ill and then I also feel horribly guilty. There isn't really anyone I can talk to about it as they either would think I am a monster or are close to my mother so your replies have been incredibly helpful. Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much better they have made me feel and how grateful I am that there are people out there who are going through the same/similar things and understand.

I dropped everything and went to live where she is for 6 months last year. I love her, she is my mum but I get so annoyed. I think my fear expresses itself as anger. My brother committed suicide a few years ago which is why I am an only child and we had a series of family bereavements that were very hard to bear. I was the total emotional support for her despite grieving myself and having to hold down a very busy, highly responsible job that meant I was so physically and emotionally tired that I was like a zombie. She is my only family and I do my very best for her. I don't pry or get overbearing. I do all her odd jobs including heavy gardening so she can enjoy sitting out even if it crippled me with back pain. I clean and cook when I am there. I call her twice a day when I am at home. I think I am a good daughter. I do appreciate that I don't have an automatic right to know her business but as the OP said, it seems these things are not so controversial or confidential that she can't let everyone else EXCEPT me know, only for me to be told at a later time and left feeling like I am the uncaring daughter whilst everyone lauds her unselfish behaviour. I don't want drama etc, I just want no drama and for her to be straight with me. It actually makes me feel ill when it happens.

Jux I am so sorry. You sound like a lovely person and I am truly sorry that this has happened to you. You were a good daughter and you have nothing to feel bad about although I realise that the hurt feelings are still there no matter what people say. Big hug for you. xx

I would take the advice of being extremely calm and when you do hear something reply with "I'm sure everything is fine" and play it down.

Manipulative people use with holding of information as power to hurt and punish.

It makes them feel in control.
Take the control away by not getting upset about it.

You can't change your mother.
You can't make her tell you.

What you can do is keep a safe distance and don't get drawn in.

People who love health drama cannot bear it when someone tells them " I'm sure you'll be fine" and " I'm sure everything with work out".
By not getting excited and upset you piss them off no end.

Its quite funny to see their irritation.

Mind yourself OP.

billy1966 thank you for that excellent advice. I will definitely try to put into practice what you and the OP's have said xx

OP I know it is kind of a cliche on here but I honestly think it might be worth you speaking to counsellor about your relationship with your mother. The more you post the clearer it is that there is some very unhealthy dynamic going on - you do/have done a huge amount to support her yet you still feel terrible. Given that you've suffered so much sorrow over the last few years, it might help for you to have someone to support you for a change.

Sorry if I've been presumptuous.

@Elizabella It sounds like you have been through at lot and are doing everything you can to support her and I think that @Porcupineinwaiting's comment was very apt and that you need some emotional support too.

At the back of all of this seems to be the suggestion that you are not doing enough and that she is confiding in others and passing on that suggestion. This sounds completely unfair to someone who phones twice a day to check on her.

Are there some practical measure that you can decant? Eg..You shouldn't have to be taking time off from a full on job to put your back out gardening. It will probably fall on you to find a gardener who can help out and get her used to the idea. Also, maybe a cleaner who can come to do some of the heavier stuff. That will take some of the pressure off both of you.
Could you consult social services?
When one of my elderly relatives came out of hospital (also had stents) they visited and set up some support systems to help him. It is worth asking, even if its just to get advice that will reassure you that you are already doing everything you should be.

This is quite simple, she tells her friend because she can lean on them for support without too much worrying, She does not tell you because her role is to protect you from worry

@Porcupineinwaiting

OP, good post above. Get some support for yourself.