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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you ever really loved your partner?

53 replies

Chionia · 23/02/2020 21:53

That's about the size of it. MN is now stuffed full of threads about: useless/drunkard/twattish manchild husbands (or abusive gits); crap in-laws with whom they are NC; OPs who either hate sex with their partners, or are pissed off because they don't get enough of it; people who are generally miserable in their relationships; people who live with nagging, demands, arguments about putting the bins out, etc, etc.

But these same people presumably once loved their DP/DH enough to live with them/marry them, shag them, and have children with them.

I'm not criticising anyone for that (am divorced myself).

But I do wonder why anyone bothers entering into a relationship, given that the end result seems to be unpleasant in one way or another.

Did you never love your partner, or did your loathing of your partner just turn from love into hatred?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chionia · 23/02/2020 21:54

No idea how that voting thing appeared, btw. Not my doing.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 23/02/2020 21:55

You're only seeing the posts about the bad relationships. People with good relationships don't ask for advice. And stories about happy lives are usually pretty boring.

ActualHornist · 23/02/2020 21:57

Not many people come on a parenting forum to tell everyone their relationship is fine.

But also, the irritations are distilled on here, when in real life it’s something you just get over. I am irritated with my husband at the moment. I’m not going to tell you why. But I am. And I’ll either get over it, or I won’t and I’ll talk to him about it. I might also come to MN to have a rant so I don’t have a completely unreasonable rant about something that has wound me up but I’ve never mentioned before.

Original poster
Chionia · 23/02/2020 21:58

That's true, and when I was thinking about this earlier, I did also think that it's only a small number of people (i.e. the dissatisfied) who would post about their relationships.

However, I do find myself repeatedly feeling tired when reading OPs, as they seem so predictable. In other words: OH is a lazy, drunk shit.

OP posts:
Fallsballs · 23/02/2020 21:59

I suppose it’s like a recipe gone wrong, you think you have all the ingredients and then it turns out shite. I’m divorced and the signs weren’t there in the beginning.

missmouse101 · 23/02/2020 22:11

I agree. I'd never share my space and life with anyone if I could do it all again. I wouldn't deprive myself of a relationship, I'd just NEVER live with the bugger.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 23/02/2020 22:30

I agree tbh
The goal is always to meet somebody, to get coupled. That societal pressure leads to a lot of people feeling they have to be in a couple even if it's bad for them.

A better goal would be to be brave enough to know you can live well without a crutch. Then when you know you are strong enough and ginancially independent enough to walk away, then it m8ght be worth it.

So many people myself included are such mindless sheep getting into pointless relationships

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/02/2020 22:46

I feel guilty about this actually as never truly loved ex DP , I had moments when I really cared for him but I went ahead and had two kids with him . We did have some happy times and honestly I ignored my doubts as wanted DC and a DP
But it doesn’t always sit on my conscience

SluggishSnail · 23/02/2020 22:50

It's entirely possible to have been totally in love, got married etc. but over time the relationship just runs it's course.

Original poster
Chionia · 23/02/2020 22:55

Some thoughtful responses here.

I married XH and had 2 DC with him, so I could reasonably fall into the 'why did you have DC with him?' category. Though he was "only" abusive to the DC, and not to me, so I wouldn't have been able to see that one coming.

But I just feel a bit sad when I read so many posts which are (perhaps understandably) critical of a husband or partner. Presumably everyone who starts a post about a complete tosser loved them once?

I'm not expressing myself very well. I have had a partner for the past five years, but we don't live together. He loves his own space and routine, and I quite like my little home with my teenagers too.

I do of course fantasise about living with him properly one day. But as things stand, we don't get fed up with one another, argue about who goes where and when, get pissed off about small things. We see one another every day, and enjoy it. He sleeps badly, and sleeps slightly better on his own (I probably do, too).

I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say, but the gulf between people loving one another enough to want to throw their lot in together, and then feeling resentful and bitter and pissed off that I so often see on here just makes me feel sad.

OP posts:
Idontkowmyname · 23/02/2020 22:56

I was head over heels in love with dh in the beginning until he started to show his true colours. I’m now married to a jealous controlling asshole and sadly that love has gone. Will always treasure our wonderful dc though.

SarahAndQuack · 23/02/2020 22:57

I agree that talking about relationships means you end up with a disproportionate amount of negative replies.

I definitely love my partner. God knows, I'd have left her otherwise, and I came very close to it, often! We had a really hard time. It was awful.

But then, there's another story. We are both children from abusive families. My parents were seriously physically abusive; my dad was (mildly) sexually abusive. DP's parents were physically neglectful and physically abusive; her mother is badly damaged by the knowledge - which she found out when DP was a child - that she was born as the result of her mother being raped by her own father.

If you think about all we had to overcome, it's a lot. We have done well. We are good parents to our DD.

If I'd never posted on MN, I'd never have learned as much as I have about how to be a good partner and a good mother. I think MN teaches people huge amounts. Sure, you never see people coming back to say how much better thing are now - but I am sure I am not the only person who feels it's been an enormous help.

katy1213 · 23/02/2020 22:57

I agree that this isn't a representative sample but I think it's depressing that so many women seem to set the bar so low, as if any man is better than no man - and then bring children into it. Although MNetters bear no resemblance to anyone I come across in real life.

Verbena87 · 23/02/2020 23:04

Just for balance: I loved mine when we got together and I still love him now. We fuck up fairly often as humans do, but so far have done our best to notice our fuck-ups/point them out and fix them. It’s been 11 years, 2 demanding post-grad qualifications, a year living back with my parents, serious illnesses in our families, the loss of a very close friend, periods of depression for both of us, buying a house, fertility treatment, birth injuries that made sex crap for ages, and one very lively toddler but so far we seem to have weathered it all with the love intact.

I highly rate respect, honesty, friendship with each other and having good friends around you. And a shit-ton of luck.

SolgalleoRules · 23/02/2020 23:20

I loved my DH and still do despite going through separation.

We were very young when we got together. 20 years later and we're realising we're best friends but not romantically in love anymore.

We've got 2 wonderful children and will always be friends and co-parents. Nobody else involved. He's not an abusive drunk twat. We just don't love each other as a couple anymore. Terribly sad but we think we're lucky to have had the 29 years together as a couple that we have

SolgalleoRules · 23/02/2020 23:21

Oops 20 not 29 years

Madre1972 · 23/02/2020 23:24

I love my DH, always have. 16 years together. He pulls his weight, is a great husband, father, friend. We laugh a lot.

But these boards aren’t looking for these details.

Sparklesocks · 23/02/2020 23:24

I loved my ex DP deeply. We were together 5 years. But slowly I fell out of love with him. He didn’t even do anything wrong, we just outgrew each other. Then there was a moment in a pub when we were out just the two of us, he was telling a story and I found myself zoning out (not a good sign!) and I had sudden epiphany that I didn’t love him anymore. It was horrible, I still cared for him but I was no longer in love with him. It happens. That’s the risk of relationships, but I would rather go through that than protect myself so much that I never fall in love again.

Grandadwasthatyou · 23/02/2020 23:34

Loved my dp with a passion for years but then gradually gradually started to look at him in a different light and things he did which I would have overlooked in the early years then started to irritate me a lot. A bit like the frog in a hot pan analogy. Final straw was when we had a child free night ( which only happens once in a blue moon) and he didn't want to go anywhere with me.
Now although I still love him I'm not in love with him and have instigated separation, which he is not happy about. He seems quite happy living like flat mates. I'm not.

DippyAvocado · 23/02/2020 23:41

There's a difference between being with an abuser or drunkard and having arguments over the bins. For most couples, love changes over time. Just because you get annoyed with some things, doesn't mean you don't still love each other. It might not be the romantic love of when you first met, but love can also mean being able to rely on one another, support each other through difficult times, enjoy one another's company (some of the time!), have a laugh together.

It's highly unlikely that you spend years living with someone and they don't piss you off sometimes. Just like our kids piss us off sometimes, or our parents used to piss us off when we were kids. It doesn't mean you don't still love them. I've been with my DP for 17 years. Things are definitely not the same as they were in the beginning and sometimes he drives me insane. But he is a great father, a good companion to me and I know I can always depend on him. We squeeze in the odd romantic moment occasionally!

Maybe for some people that wouldn't be enough, but personally I don't think the romantic/passionate love of early relationships is the only type of love and I certainly wouldn't give up what I've got to go hunting for it again.

AlexaAmbidextra · 24/02/2020 00:16

I have had two husbands and I sleep-walked into marriage both times. The first I had fallen out of love with by the time we married and the second I had never loved. God knows what I thought I was doing. Strangely enough I still see my first husband. We have lunch every month or so and I’m hugely fond of him. Only like a brother though, no feelings of romance or lust at all.

AlexaAmbidextra · 24/02/2020 00:17

I should add, I didn’t have children with either of them.

Frownette · 24/02/2020 00:22

I loved him, but I left him over his issues.

Sometimes I think I mothered him a bit Blush

Frownette · 24/02/2020 00:24

Same issues as normal, alcohol, not affectionate enough, he tried to make me feel insecure, narrow minded, not caring enough towards other people, wanted me to look like a dolly bird

Frownette · 24/02/2020 00:25

Wasn't dealing with his depression