To wonder if you ever really loved your partner?

[Chionia]

That's about the size of it. MN is now stuffed full of threads about: useless/drunkard/twattish manchild husbands (or abusive gits); crap in-laws with whom they are NC; OPs who either hate sex with their partners, or are pissed off because they don't get enough of it; people who are generally miserable in their relationships; people who live with nagging, demands, arguments about putting the bins out, etc, etc.

But these same people presumably once loved their DP/DH enough to live with them/marry them, shag them, and have children with them.

I'm not criticising anyone for that (am divorced myself).

But I do wonder why anyone bothers entering into a relationship, given that the end result seems to be unpleasant in one way or another.

Did you never love your partner, or did your loathing of your partner just turn from love into hatred?

We met when I was 25, it feels like a lifetime ago. At that time I was quite lost. I knew I wanted children and didn't want the uncertainty of dating or the pain of any more break ups. I thought I was in love but looking back now I can't tell. Maybe I was just excited to be with someone and desperate for stability. I do love him now, but I'm not in love.

I thought that I very much loved the four men I’ve had serious relationships with. Two of them I have had children with. Those two men I think are pretty awful men now.

I cannot believe that I loved two men who were not that nice.

The first ‘father’ refused to pull his weight, and got very stressed when our child was born and took that stress out on me. The second ‘father’ cheated on me. Betrayal kills loves. And being let down kills love.

I tend to put my heart and soul into a relationship. I take it seriously and I think that was one of the things that made my partners start to take me totally for granted.

It’s quite sad and I feel more cynical about love and less trusting of my choices of who I love.

I wonder this too. I think a lot of people, men and women, just don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. Meaning they lack appropriate, loving, supportive behaviours to carry out themselves or look for in potential partners. The behaviours and skills that would be the basis of a sustainable loving partnership.

I genuinely learned both sides of these from books. Not even joking.

A big part of it has to be that a couple will either grow together or grow apart over time. No one stays the same. You choose a partner for who they are at that point in time but without really realising it you are also committing to who they will become. I'm not sure in our society that particular reality is ever articulated clearly or with empathy.

Also, some people do tend to start to treat their partners badly once they are fully committed.

My second partner was the perfect man. He was fantastic, so kind, respectful, responsible. Such a decent guy. He’s probably what some people would see as a narcissist, although I’m wary of labels.

He started to become emotionally once I’d moved in and became pregnant. He then started not to want to be seen with me, go out with me, or do anything outside the house with me, including holidays. He was cheating the whole time.

He was the one who pursued me relentlessly and told me we’d always work out problems and that he believed in loyalty and commitment.

So sometimes we are fed a lie by someone, they hide who they are and we fall in love with someone who does not exist.

Emotionally unavailable I meant to say!

That is why it is so hard to leave some people even though they are definitely not behaving in a loving way with us. We cannot believe we could have been so manipulated and so cling on to the love we have for our partners even if abusive.

Like others have said, like a review site, you only tend to hear about bad experiences. I adored my DH and he adored me. We bickered and fell out occasionally, as is normal when people live together, but our marriage was strong and full of love. I don't regret a single second spent with him.

I loved my husband. We were great together and I never posted about him unless it was to reassure people that not all men are bastards.

Then his parents died, he started drinking and it all went to shit. Life just happens sometimes. The good years are just as real as the bad ones for me. The reason I post about him now is that I stayed too long and if I can help one person move on and not live miserably with an addict, it's worth it.

I think we evolve and change as our lives go on. You can't be and live the same pre DC and post DC. Health and finances can change the dynamic. And some people just get bored.

DH is a very good father and does more than his fair share around the house. But I miss when it was just us and he didn't get so tired and grumpy. Can't have it both ways.

Take heart that for every thread of a terrible marriage there are dozens of posters responding saying this is not normal. The ratio is in the right direction.

@TorkTorkBam that is true. I have taken strength from MN, in that I needed some support in seeing that although I still loved my partner, that he did not love me even though he pretend he did. We need people out there to show us what love is, particularly if the partner we chose to love has let us badly down.

I strongly now believe that love is a choice we make. It’s not out of our control. We can choose to be loving towards someone, or choose not to.

I still love my DH and he is a good man. That doesn't mean our relationship hasn't changed lots from when we met young free and single many years ago. Life changes you and adds stresses you never knew exsisted. I find him frustrsting at times, he doesn't pull his weight with the kids and house if I'm honest.

I have learnt a lot about myself from the last 10 years of dealing with bereavement,young children etc there are clues on how people will cope in situations but other things are unknown.

If someone was to come on here starting a thread about how amazing their partner/ dh was then they’d be ripped apart for boasting .
It’s also like leaving reviews , people rarely leave good ones but very quick to leave bad ones .
I love my dh very much , is her perfect ? No, am I ? Hell no but the love is definitely there , we’re best friends

My marriage is good. Not perfect but we love eachother and split chores, childcare and finances fairly. I don't post about it a lot.

I'm a bit like a PP in that DH annoys me just by breathing atm but he's not drunk/lazy/abusive. I'm feeling frustrated with life and he's irritating me because he's the nearest adult.But when I read your question, my automatic reponse was 'yes, I absolutely loved everything about him!'. But I realise that some of the things I loved and still love about him, are the things that also make it difficult to live with him.
Some of the posters on here are in truly bad relationships. I'm glad they have MN to tell them their relationships are shit because there are few people in RL who will have that honesty. Friends and families are usually invested in maintaining the status quo.

Of course - but over time you change, you wake up, you are middle aged and want different things. I still do love my exh but as a friend, and him me, I know I'm not typical. I'm also lucky to have met a new dp who loves me for who i am now, all is good.

We change, though I think some posters rushed into relationships

I think it’s common for people to show their best sides early in relationships, and then later you find out the not so good stuff about each other. Sometimes it’s terrible, abusive behaviour that emerges, and sometimes it’s just that once you both relax and make less effort, issues with compatibility come up.

Also, as has been said already, people don’t often post about good relationships. I am happy with my partner; we have the odd disagreement, occasionally he does something that annoys me and I’m sure I sometimes annoy him, but overall I think we love each other and have a good thing together. I therefore don’t usually post about our relationship! If life changed for us or we developed serious issues then perhaps I would.

You're only seeing the posts about the bad relationships. People with good relationships don't ask for advice. And stories about happy lives are usually pretty boring.

This really, been with my DH over 17 years, loved him back then and still love him now

Let's be honest, of all of us who truly love our husbands filled the forums with threads to that fact, people would get really pissed off, really fast 😂

People change, they do things you never expected them to do. Not big things, just things that make you change the way you see them.

Likewise you do things, think things feel things that you never thought you would.

I’m not sure I was ever really in love with exh, if I’m completely honest.

I wonder this too. I think a lot of people, men and women, just don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. Meaning they lack appropriate, loving, supportive behaviours to carry out themselves or look for in potential partners. The behaviours and skills that would be the basis of a sustainable loving partnership.

Yes. These things are modelled in the media, but often appallingly badly. Women are taught to look for some prince charming (putting it very crudely, but little miss independent me loathed the Disney princes to me, which completely blew the whole narrative...).

A big part of it has to be that a couple will either grow together or grow apart over time. No one stays the same. You choose a partner for who they are at that point in time but without really realising it you are also committing to who they will become. I'm not sure in our society that particular reality is ever articulated clearly or with empathy.

Yes, my husband and I have been together thirteen years, and our relationship is still changing. In a small way, we're in a lull of passion at the moment. I'm used to these coming and going, so it doesn't spook me. We're having lots of fun, good sex and connecting well emotionally. The spurts of lurve will come and go as they please, but I am still only just learning things about MYSELF that are relevant to our relationship, and who I am is changing too.

Most the people on here seem deeply unhappy

I did love DH, I still do love DH. It seems to ebb and flow - some days he pisses me right off, others I'm mad about him, but underneath that ebb and flow is a solid, dependable, honest kind of love that's come from years of kindness.

He doesn't do things the way I would always; he drives me fucking nuts when he tries to reason with the DC instead of calling their bullshit behaviour bullshit. But he is also just the best man I know, so he can stay. I just don't think people in normally happy marriages post.

This is going to sound like a teenager with a crush but.....I love my husband, probably more than I did when we first met. He genuinely is my best friend, soulmate, a wonderful husband and a fantastic father. We actually have, in my opinion, a perfect marriage. We never argue, disagree yes, but never fight, I can't even remember the last time we had cross words. He tells me every day he falls in love with me over and over again, no matter what mood I'm in, and continues to tell me even when I brush him off.

I was 18 when we met, we've been together since. 16 years together, 15 living together and 13 married.

I know not everyone has that sort of 'love story' but I'm happy 😀

It's only the dramas that make it on here, no one comes on just to post about how happy they are. And if they did they'd be called out for smuggery. Mumsnet is a bit like Eastenders, it purports to be real life but it's a very skewed version.