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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Wish my Mother would just be Honest

39 replies

PupsAndKittens · 23/02/2020 12:51

My immediate family: mother, Farther, Sister and I, have not been on holiday for 15 years. The last time we went on holiday, I was 5, I am now 20.

Me and my sister wanted to take mum for her 60th last year and we where going to put half towards it each. But she refused saying that she would simply not go. Yesterday the sun started there £9.50 holiday deals. I thought that I would treat my parents and take them to somewhere nice (Cornwall is where I was thinking). However you have to be 21 to book, but I was still willing to pay. I asked my mum about this and said absolutely not. I understand that Cornwall would be slightly expensive for us (we live in Essex so would have to fly as dad won’t drive any further than 60 miles). However we live 1 hour away from a really lovely seaside town that is included in the offer. All in all it would come to £70 and my mum still said no. Dad said that we needed to put the money by as money is quite tight at the moment and they said they really need to finish paying off the mortgage, but I know for a fact we can afford £70; especially as I will be the one paying for it and I know I can afford it.

Now, every time I discuss holidays with my parents they always go on about how I would be so bored as they wouldn’t do the young persons thing. However I keep on telling them that I am not expecting a holiday with them to be the same as a holiday with my friends.

My uncle invited us to go on holiday with him (fully paid for) and mum said no to that also, Saying it would be a waste of money and that no one would enjoy it. However when her sisters invited her away she went so she is willing to go on holiday with her sisters but not her daughters and husband. I generally feel that she just doesn’t want to go away with us for whatever reason.

AIBU To feel quite sad that she doesn’t want to go on holiday with us. To be honest, I know my mum doesn’t particularly love me. She says she does but I generally feel it is just words with no meaning.

Any thoughts

OP posts:

Whynosnowyet · 23/02/2020 12:54

Maybe she has a good reason (to her) not to want to be in close proximity to you /other relatives. Maybe she snores /has IBS and worries about being close to a loo? Maybe she is too right to spend money? Has she got debt maybe?

ActualHornist · 23/02/2020 12:56

If she doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t want to go. You can’t force it.

You’re 20. Go on holiday with friends. Spend some money enjoying yourself. Learn to drive and go further than 60 miles! Don’t limit yourself like your parents are is what I’m saying. Sure, they might have good reasons. But more likely what they’re saying is the truth; they just don’t want to.

caperberries · 23/02/2020 12:56

That's really sad, and you sound like a very caring daughter.

It may be that your dm doesn't like any holidays but didn't feel able to say no to her sister, for some reason, whereas she feels able to say no to her closer family members?

There are people who just don't like holidays

AlCalavicci · 23/02/2020 12:59

It sounds like you are doing your best to be a nice DD but she is either been stubborn or is really concerned about money.

Could you compromise and take her and DH out for the day to the nearby seaside town and take them to a nice hotel for afternoon tea .
Do what ever you DM /Ddad enjoy doing

Then in a few months / when you can afford it recommend a holiday in the same hotel ( providing they enjoyed it of course )

SuperFurryDoggy · 23/02/2020 12:59

Sorry, no advice, but that sounds hurtful

There may well be a good reason for it. The first thing I considered was something ‘embarrassing’ like continence issues that she might feel comfortable discussing with a sister, but not children. But of course you have no way of knowing because she is not sharing her reasons with you.

LonginesPrime · 23/02/2020 13:00

I know for a fact we can afford £70

Is that for all the food too?

If money is tight, perhaps they're being realistic a lot how much the holiday will cost and they know they can't cover the difference.

Either way, she doesn't want to go so you can't force her!

LonginesPrime · 23/02/2020 13:01

*about

Littleshortcake · 23/02/2020 13:03

I would leave it be op. Maybe deep down you don't feel your mother is close to you (I am not overly close to mine but it's ok - she only is concerned with her own wants and needs).

Spend time with people who want to be with you. Join clubs and groups or volunteer.

Notajogger · 23/02/2020 13:04

I think my mum would be inclined to say no too as she wouldn't want me to "waste" my money. Could that be it?

Littlemissdaredevil · 23/02/2020 13:06

Go on holiday with your friends or sister. You don’t need your mother’s permission to do anything nor do you need her to come with you.

Original poster

PupsAndKittens · 23/02/2020 13:12

Has she got debt maybe?
Apart from the mortgage, The only other thing she has is the phone contract, however she has already paid for that as she paid it upfront.

You’re 20. Go on holiday with friends.
Unfortunately a lot of places require someone over 21 to book and attend. And unfortunately all my friends are 17-20

Could you compromise and take her and DH out for the day to the nearby seaside town and take them to a nice hotel for afternoon tea .
Do what ever you DM /Ddad enjoy doing

Unfortunately my parents won’t go on days out either. I am lucky if i get a takeaway for my birthday (i’m still living at home, hopefully moving out for uni next year). We sadly do very little as a family.

Is that for all the food too?
Maybe I am being naive, but as it’s a caravan self catering holiday, surely food will be no different then it is every other week and we would still buy the same kind of things from The supermarket.

OP posts:

LondonMrsA · 23/02/2020 13:15

My Mum would never ever sleep in any Bed except her own. Some people are funny like that.

CrazyToast · 23/02/2020 13:17

My mother has refused to go on holiday with me but has suggested that she go with my sister several times. She doesn't seem me as a trustworthy adult (I'm a woman in my 30s), but my slightly older sister is seen as an adult because she is married with a kid. I do feel a bit miffed about it but what can you do? She is what she is.

Original poster

PupsAndKittens · 23/02/2020 13:22

@CrazyToast sorry to hear that, that must make you feel so patronised.

OP posts:

Avocadohips · 23/02/2020 13:22

It sounds like they're just older people who don't "do" holidays. My parents are likely older than yours but my dad is a stubborn sod and if it's not to his ever increasingly narrow set of specifications then he won't go. If I don't organise it for them, they don't go, and last year I didn't manage to get them away - they are both capable of looking at and booking somewhere themselves, it's ridiculous!

cliodh · 23/02/2020 13:23

FWIW I booked and went on holidays with me as lead passenger from being 18. You should be able to book things at 20, maybe not everything.

Go with your sister or friends, your mum has made it clear she doesn't want to go. Sorry hon

LonginesPrime · 23/02/2020 13:26

as it’s a caravan self catering holiday, surely food will be no different then it is every other week and we would still buy the same kind of things from The supermarket.

But would you be staying in the caravan and eating breakfast, lunch and dinner in it?

If you go out for a day and have lunch in a beachside cafe a few times, that can really add to the cost of a holiday if you're on a budget. Then it's things like ice creams, admission to places, etc. And the petrol to get there and get around. It all adds up.

Perhaps if the plan is just to sit in the caravan and not leave it much, she figures she might as well stay at home and do that.

idontlike789 · 23/02/2020 13:36

I would leave it you mum just doesn't want to go and that's that . She is missing out on having fun but some people do not like being away from home and having a change .
Go and book something with a friend , the 21 rule is true but not everywhere only places like some caravan parks that are aimed at families and you probably wouldn't enjoy that anyway .
Someone else said the same don't be like your parents and not travel more than 60 miles away from home go and see what's out there your young enjoy life .

GinDrinker00 · 23/02/2020 13:39

It’s not just £70 though. It’s the petrol driving there and back, the food, the cost of activities, drink etc. If they’re tight on money maybe they’re worried it’ll still cost them a Fair bit?
Just go on holiday with your friends or something?

Original poster

PupsAndKittens · 23/02/2020 13:41

@LonginesPrime I do appreciate that it can add up. Obviously I would not expect us to have every meal in the van and has to go out a couple of times. But I personally don’t think that’s the reason and do feel that it is personal and not financial

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 23/02/2020 13:41

You need to stop expecting your parents to be who you want them to be. They clearly, for whatever reason, do not want to holiday. You need to respect that.

Anyway, I don't think this is about the holiday. It sounds like you are wanting a relationship or a family that you see others have but don’t have under your own roof.

LonginesPrime · 23/02/2020 13:51

I see what you're saying, OP, but do you think that it could be that she's more comfortable going with her siblings because it's clear they will all pay their own way, whereas she feels financially responsible for you as you're her DD?

I wouldn't assume it's a personal snub unless there's more to this than what you've said - it sounds like it's about the money and feeling she'll have to pick up any shortfall when she can't afford to.

TheNestedIf · 23/02/2020 14:06

Could it be that if it's a mostly self-catering holiday she suspects she'll be doing the majority of the catering and therefore not a holiday for her at all? Perhaps this could be why she is willing to go away with her sisters but not her immediate family or your uncle?

Whether that's the reason or not, she doesn't want a holiday for her birthday, so get her something she does want and book your own holiday next year when you're old enough if that's what you want.

Nearlyalmost50 · 23/02/2020 14:07

I feel like people are making a whole heap of excuses for your family, but it is unusual and not very nice to not take your children on any holiday at all past the age of 5. Who doesn't go on any holidays? Or even lots of family days out if they can't afford that or don't like sleeping elsewhere? It suggests a poverty of experience which I don't think people are acknowledging at all, and runs very deep- they don't do 'family' things or make you feel valued as part of that family and that's quite a profound thing to realise age 20.

As for those saying go alone- clearly if you don't socialize your children into going on holiday or even on days out locally, they will struggle more to do these things when older. I'm sure in time Op you will find friends or others to go on holiday with and start creating your own experiences and memories that are different than in your family but for now, I see why you do feel a bit deprived by this. Even the really hard up families I know save for a Sun holiday or go to stay with family or have day trips out as a family even to the local park and a picnic. I suspect there is a lot emotionally unsaid in your current situation, I hope you get to move out and move on a bit.

Chewbecca · 23/02/2020 14:09

Given they have chosen not to take holidays for the last 15 years, it would suggest they really don’t want to, regardless of who is paying.
If you really want to treat them, can you think of something they would like to do?

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