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Original poster

Would this be a deal breaker?

33 replies

zopidrone · 23/02/2020 07:33

Wife has lied a lot..

Lied about me,
Lied to me
Lied about job
Lied about money
Lied about tiny things
Lied about big things.

Now we've recently spent some time apart, partner has been in a psychiatric hospital, and has received a diagnosis, and the lying is part of that. They now have intensive therapy, medication and coping mechanisms to help get better. They have not lied for 2 weeks. They won't be released from hospital for another 6 or 7 weeks.

But would you forgive and move on? Or would this be a deal breaker? I know that the lying has been because she was sick and now she has help it shouldn't happen again but it's so hard to work out what is a lie and what's not!

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 23/02/2020 07:35

How long have you been with her? Have you got kids? How old are you? If you are young with no kids and a lifetime ahead of you, I’d say it was the end of the relationship.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 23/02/2020 07:37

I would reframe the question. She has a psychiatric condition which she will receive support for. If you feel you can cope with this condition, including possible relapses etc then I would certainly forgive any symptom that was part of this illness. If not then I would kindly end the relationship and probably remain friends.

Original poster
zopidrone · 23/02/2020 07:45

We've been together 9 years, no kids married 7. I love her so much and when she's not lying it's great. But I know its part of her condition, but having said that, she's now got hep, and therapy and medication, so she can use her coping mechanisms to not lie. She was so apologetic and broke when I saw her a week ago like she's come back to me.

I just feel really hurt by the lies

OP posts:
Original poster
zopidrone · 23/02/2020 07:52

I feel so torn

OP posts:
RedIsWhereItsAt · 23/02/2020 07:54

Do you know when she's lying? Do other people? I think that might make a difference.

Original poster
zopidrone · 23/02/2020 07:56

Yes they're very obvious. The psychiatrist has called them delusions? So one was that she knew the queen 😳 but obviously she's doesn't and it's part of her sickness.

OP posts:
GinDrinker00 · 23/02/2020 07:59

If you know they are part of her illness, you ought to forgive and forget. It’s not like she did it on purpose. “In sickness and health” and all that jazz.

RedIsWhereItsAt · 23/02/2020 08:10

I would, for now, focus on this.

I love her so much and when she's not lying it's great.

You might not always feel this, but you do right now.

BritWifeinUSA · 23/02/2020 08:12

If she had a physical illness would that cause you to end the relationship? Just because there’s no blood or physical pains doesn’t mean mental illness doesn’t exist.

JudyCoolibar · 23/02/2020 08:13

I don't really understand why you feel hurt if it's something she had no control over. It's comparable to a partner who won't get out of bed to do something with you - you'd feel hurt or annoyed if it was just laziness, but obviously you wouldn't if it was down to illness.

Skittlesss · 23/02/2020 08:17

I would have thought that it would be during the periods of lies that you would consider leaving... and not after there’s been a diagnosis and treatment is ongoing.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 23/02/2020 08:20

Delusions are not lies. You're confusing too very different things here. A lie is a deliberate attempt to make others believe something that you know yourself is untrue. Whereas a delusion is a false belief, that the person is 100% convinced is real, sometimes despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. It is a symptom of psychosis, a very serious condition that your wife has absolutely no control over. The sufferer essentially loses touch with reality, so they don't know what is real and what isn't. It is a frightening and debilitating condition and is in no way that person's fault. Even with anti-psychotic medication and therapy, the delusional beliefs will take time to dissipate and it will not help your DW's recovery for her to be under the misapprehension that her delusions are tantamount to deception and something she needs to apologise for. There is a lot of helpful information and advice for relatives and carers of people with Psychosis on the Mind and Rethink websites.

Soontobe60 · 23/02/2020 08:24

She isn't lying, she's ill. With a very serious mental health condition. That's very obvious because she's been hospitalised because of it. So really, you're asking if you should stay with her because she's ill, not because she's 'lied'.

MakeItRain · 23/02/2020 08:33

I have a close family member who has suffered from delusions in the past. It's never, even for a split second, occurred to me to think of them as "lies". Shock

I think it is reasonable though, for you to consider whether you are able to stay with her. It's very traumatic dealing with mental illness and personally I wouldn't judge if someone said they couldn't manage to live with someone who was suffering with a very serious mental illness.

PennyGold · 23/02/2020 08:33

Having delusions isn't lying?!
I think it'd be pretty shit to leave someone because of a symptom of their condition when they need support now more than ever.
The behaviour wasn't voluntary, she's apologised (honestly don't think she should have had to) and she's having treatment to help. You need to be her support right now, not think about leaving.

Sadiesnakes · 23/02/2020 08:43

Your poor wife. Feeling she needs to apologize for a very serious mental illness.
Perhaps you are the deal breaker.

user1493413286 · 23/02/2020 08:44

I can see why it’d be hard but if it’s a symptom of her illness I don’t think it needs to mean the end. Perhaps just take it slowly as you build things back up.
Delusions are different to lies but I can see that they can cause the same pain and distrust for you

Dinoctoblock · 23/02/2020 08:54

If the OP isn’t a psychiatrist then what she was saying would have felt like lies and it will take him some time to reframe what has been happening in the light of the new information about her mental illness. I think, OP, if you do love her, it would be worth trying to reconsider her behaviour in terms of delusions, rather than lies, and perhaps seek some sort of mental health support for yourself so that you can support her and come to terms with what has happened to you as a result of her mental illness.

Boom45 · 23/02/2020 08:59

You are upset by a symptom of her illness, if that symptom is something you genuinely can't get over then leave - don't stay and hold it over your wife, it's not fair on her.

Enchiladas · 23/02/2020 08:59

I feel for you OP.

Sure your wife is not well mentally but you are the one who has been having to live with her lies and delusions all this time and I can't imagine that her getting a diagnosis would just magic away all the hurt and upset you've had yourself, as some pp's seem to be suggesting.

As you're married and you do love her the only advice I have is to give it some more time, maybe distance yourself a bit if you feel you need to in order to get your thoughts in order. The shock of the whole situation is still pretty fresh by the sounds of it and your feelings matter too. You might find you can heal from the hurt and move forward with your wife.

CwtchesCuddles · 23/02/2020 09:04

Do you want to walk away now? If you don't try you will never know if it could have worked.

Footle · 23/02/2020 11:44

@Dinoctoblock, where did you read that OP is a man?

Original poster
zopidrone · 23/02/2020 12:34

I am a woman. I was just hurt by the things she told other people about me, but they were part of her sickness. I need to help her not leave her.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 23/02/2020 12:48

So everyone on here would simply be fine if their DP had constructed an entire reality, lied about the job they do, money, told lies about you to other people Confused- come on, real life doesn't work like that does it. That must be very hard OP and I wonder who is looking out for YOUR mental health. Anyone who has been lied to will know how badly it can affect your life and sense of reality.

Of course she is unwell and that is very sad but you aren't obligated to stay with her or support her OP, she isn't your dependent. Of she had depression and was abusing you, everyone on here would be piping up to say it's absolutely no excuse. Delusions or lying (not sure why there cannot be both at play) are symptoma of many mental health conditions but that doesn't make the situation any better for the OP.

2 weeks out of psychiatric care is very very soon OP and I'd just take it very, very slowly- no need to decide anything now. Does your DP have friends and family for support? I would see your own GP and request some for yourself or for you as a couple later down the line if recovery goes well -if you want to stay in the relationship

Thelnebriati · 23/02/2020 12:59

I think I would do 2 things.
First I would spend some time apart, think about me and what I want for the future. Its better for both of you that you can make a clear decision and stick to it, so that you both know where you stand.

And second, if I decided to give her a second chance I would make a condition that she has to stick with the treatment, if she refused treatment at any point and regressed that would be a deal breaker.

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