Would this be a deal breaker?

[zopidrone]

Wife has lied a lot..

Lied about me,
Lied to me
Lied about job
Lied about money
Lied about tiny things
Lied about big things.

Now we've recently spent some time apart, partner has been in a psychiatric hospital, and has received a diagnosis, and the lying is part of that. They now have intensive therapy, medication and coping mechanisms to help get better. They have not lied for 2 weeks. They won't be released from hospital for another 6 or 7 weeks.

But would you forgive and move on? Or would this be a deal breaker? I know that the lying has been because she was sick and now she has help it shouldn't happen again but it's so hard to work out what is a lie and what's not!

The lies aren't / weren't 'her'. They were her illness speaking through her, if that makes sense. It's very likely she had no conscious control over them and believed they were real.

BUT that doesn't undo the hurt caused to you. Or other people's (wrong) ideas that 'there's no smoke without fire'. I agree with PP that you need time - to look after yourself, to rebuild your relationship if that seems best for both of you. You both need support. Would counselling help you - either just for you or as a couple?

I really don’t know how I would feel or what I would do.

But I think you need to take it slowly, be kind and keep yourself as well as her in your priorities.

We are going to do therapy together as part of her recovery but maybe I'll get myself a therapist as well

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery this. Spot on

This is very hard. I think you need to adjust how you view this in order to stay. Delusions are not lies. She’s not lying to be malicious - it’s part of her condition. Both of which you have said. Shes also getting help and doing well.

The question is not (perhaps) whether you can forgive her (she’s ill, you wouldn’t forgive someone who had a epilepsy or dementia etc), it’s whether you can live with this condition happily.

At the moment your post reads bitterly and that you’ve taken it all personally. Tbh it seems like you have the problem here and not your partner who is trying to get help. Your problem is you’re holding a grudge over something she cannot control.

If she recognises that she has an illness and fully commits to treatment, and if you commit to supporting her, then your marriage could survive this.

If you still love each other, it seems like something worth working at.

I wanted to pick up on one thing, as others have given you great feedback. You said that she hasn't "lied" or had a delusion in 2 weeks - I would take that as a fantastic indication of the meds & therapy working. Obviously, as with any mental illness, this might not mean 100% remission from now on, but it sounds like a really encouraging thing to hold onto.

My MH is strewn with stuff that I know would be very difficult for anyone to live with, so I completely understand how difficult this must be for you.

You dont have to do anything.

You don't have to help her.

You don't have to leave her because shes lied about you.

You sound a bit lost and dont know what to think for yourself. I agree some personal counselling for yourself sounds important to figure out what you want in life.