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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or is this really rude?

61 replies

VerySadPandaBear · 23/02/2020 05:43

Husband and I were having dinner with his friends, somehow the topic of relationships came up and I commented on how husband never asks how my day was. He proceeded to say that he doesn't ask me because he doesn't care. I was very hurt, his friends looked shocked and he just carried on like it was a big joke.

I tried to tell him how rude that was but I didn't want to cause a scene at the table, so how can i articulate when he gets home from work how hurtful that was? Or aibu?

OP posts:

Blondie1984 · 23/02/2020 05:51

What is it that bothered you more? What he said or how he said it?

Original poster

VerySadPandaBear · 23/02/2020 05:54

I think a bit of both. When he said he doesn't ask me because he doesn't care it sounds like he means he doesn't care at all. If he said he doesn't ask me because I go on and on I would understand, but I don't think I do. When I told him that it's rude he said but it's true I don't care

OP posts:

Sicario · 23/02/2020 06:02

Clearly he thinks your life is of no interest or consequence to him. Nice.

pussycatinboots · 23/02/2020 06:06

I take it he doesn't bore you with details about his day either?

Original poster

VerySadPandaBear · 23/02/2020 06:09

I ask him how his day was, and he'll tell me if it was good or bad. After a bit of a silence he'll ask me but not if something else comes up in conversation

OP posts:

Original poster

VerySadPandaBear · 23/02/2020 06:10

Hes not very good at talking out arguments, he usually just shuts down or gets ridiculous, I need help how to articulate how I feel. Which is like I don't matter to him

OP posts:

BlackCatSleeping · 23/02/2020 06:10

I think you have to look at the bigger picture here and what this means in terms of your relationship.

BlackCatSleeping · 23/02/2020 06:12

Also, you’ve articulated well here about how you feel. He can understand fine. Anyone can see that’s a hurtful thing to say.

Original poster

VerySadPandaBear · 23/02/2020 06:13

Usually he's lovely, does his fair share of housework, we rarely argue, I'm not sure what to make of this

OP posts:

CheshireDing · 23/02/2020 06:18

Maybe he means he doesn’t have any interest in your work colleagues and as he has finished work he doesn’t want to hear about somebody else’s work ?

I don’t even know if I have explained that very well but I ask DH how his work day went to show interest (but I’m not arsed really) and that’s not meant in a horrible way. I am also not interested in talking about my work day, when it’s finished, it’s finished.

OrangeLindt · 23/02/2020 06:18

So he doesn't care how your days been and doesn't care if he upsets you?

Original poster

VerySadPandaBear · 23/02/2020 06:21

That could be it, my work is boring (I work in a newsagents) but surely it's not hard to just say hello love how was your day

OP posts:

ZebrasAreHorsesInPyjamas · 23/02/2020 06:25

I ask DH if he has had a good day and he does the same to me, but we don't go into specifics unless it's something relevant or interesting, just usually "Oh, the same, you know...". He's an engineer, god love him, but his work is as dull as dish water and far too technical for me to get my head round (he enjoys it ). He used to tell me all about it when we first got together and then after a while we came to an understanding... Obviously, if he said something nasty had happened then I would care, but no, on the whole I suppose I DON'T care how his day was.

Maybe that's where he was coming from? An ambivalence to the minutiae of your day, not that he doesn't care about YOU?

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/02/2020 06:40

It may be he doesn't care about you, or it may be he doesn't care about what happens in a shop, which most people, don't, really.

Does he care how you are? If you're upset or happy, if something bad has happened to you or something good, is he concerned about you? He may just see the very normal but banal "how was your day?" question as being about what happens at a newsagent rather than being about how you are. If, in other ways, he seems to be bothered about you I wouldn't get fixated on the fact he doesn't see one particular sort of question the way you do.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 23/02/2020 07:13

Why bother? He knows you think that is rude, he doesn't care. Ask him why doesn't care. His answer will tell you how he really regards you.

AlwaysCheddar · 23/02/2020 07:39

Really rude and uncaring.

user1498572889 · 23/02/2020 07:44

I never used to ask my husband what sort of day he had at work because the minute I got home I would get a debrief of his entire day. Drove me mad. I just say yeah it was ok or if it was bad I would say it was a bit shitty. He used to go through every single job he had done that day in minute detail. Thank god he retired 😀

BraveGoldie · 23/02/2020 08:00

OP, if he is caring of you when you need something, are upset, something significant happens in your life etc, I wouldn't worry.

For a lot of couples, the 'how was your day' thing is extremely formulaic and can kill real spontaneous conversation.... a bit like going out for dinner in Valentine's... it can be a bit automatic and duty-bound, rather than genuinely about connection. that may be all he is saying.

His comment sound a bit like one of those moments if daring truth/cutting through social convention' things we do after a few glasses of wine in order to be interesting. But it missed the mark. I can quite understand you feeling hurt by it, but would look at the bigger picture. Does he show his caring for you in other ways?

Original poster

VerySadPandaBear · 23/02/2020 08:01

@BraveGoldie he does, he can be a bit harsh with his words when in company though. Do you think maybe I should tell him I understand where he's coming from but his choice of words hurt?

OP posts:

Original poster

VerySadPandaBear · 23/02/2020 08:02

Also, he wasn't drinking as he has work the next day

OP posts:

Frenchw1fe · 23/02/2020 08:08

My dh was the same when I worked. I told him anyway, in fact I definitely went on a bit.
If this is the only issue you have then I wouldn't worry. Unless he thinks your work is in someway unimportant which would be snobby.
However I had a friend who's husband refused to go to her cousins wedding with her on the grounds that it would not advance him socially or careerwise so a waste of his time.
They ended up divorcing.

pallasathena · 23/02/2020 08:16

He's showing off OP. My ex used to do this...big himself up at my expense.

ThePlantsitter · 23/02/2020 08:20

Honestly sometimes when DH tells me how his day has gone I want to chew my own fingers off as it's so boring. I realise how awful that makes me sound.

I'm interested by the fact that you didn't want to cause a scene in front of friends but he is quite happy to be mean to you in front of them, quite often by the sound of it. How does that feel?

Original poster

VerySadPandaBear · 23/02/2020 08:20

I'll think I'll have a chat and ask him what he means when he says he doesn't care.

OP posts:

Original poster

VerySadPandaBear · 23/02/2020 08:21

We have quite a "jokey" friend group. We usually throw insults around the table but it's usually in jest, I'm not sure if maybe he was just trying to do that, or if he was intending to be horrible

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