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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stopping communication with my in laws?? (baby involved)

32 replies

mummaintraining19 · 22/02/2020 22:57

I’m upset and I want to know if people think I am being unreasonable or not.

Today I was out with my OH, his cousin & babies & my OH’s dad (my ‘FIL’ as we aren’t actually married). Now my OH’s dad had a few too many to drink but he asked me how my family was.

Now a family member of mine that I’m really close with (& he asked about) has cancer & has radiotherapy and chemotherapy to help treat it. But it has travelled and cause small lumps elsewhere in their body...

So, obviously, I said ‘we are really hoping it works’

And he... he shook his head and said I don’t think it will.

I told my OH as soon as I got in the car (as he didn’t witness it) as I had a BREAKDOWN. I didn’t want to cry in front of them and I certainly wasn’t going to leave my 4 month old so I could cry in the bathroom. So I held it on until we had drove away.

I have told my OH (who obviously is also very angry) that I do not want to go round to his parents house anymore as I don’t know if I can forgive his dad. But that obviously means my 4 month old won’t see her grandparents which is unfair (especially as his mum & sister did nothing wrong). It’s his dad I now have the problem with and there’s no way of going round and him not being there.

I also don’t want to make things awkward because events will come up like birthdays etc (my OH hasn’t spoken to his mum or dad about it yet).

So do I cut contact? Or do I forgive?
Do I let my OH mention it? Or should I just hold it in & be polite when I’m round once a week?

OP posts:

RositaEspinosa · 22/02/2020 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mummaintraining19 · 22/02/2020 23:01

I’m going to add that the family member is my own mother...

OP posts:

Lou573 · 22/02/2020 23:03

I think it was a tactless comment but you’re overreacting because you’re upset about your relative. Sleep on it and you may feel a bit differently tomorrow.

RositaEspinosa · 22/02/2020 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDuckSaysMoo · 22/02/2020 23:05

He was insensitive to say it and your emotions are heightened. That's a recipe for disaster and overreacting. I'd either let it go or, next time you see him tell him it made you feel upset. I hope treatment goes well for your mum .

AlwaysCheddar · 22/02/2020 23:06

Stupid comment but you’re overreacting. Sorry about your mum.

Drum2018 · 22/02/2020 23:07

Forgive what? His honest opinion that he thinks the treatment may not work? Unfortunately that is the reality for many people. Maybe he's just not an optimistic person in general or has seen friends or family members go through the disease. Whatever the reason, he surely didn't say it to offend or upset you. If thats the only reason you want to go NC then I'm sorry to say it's ott.

Original poster

mummaintraining19 · 22/02/2020 23:07

Thanks for the comments. I’ll get my OH to mention it. I know deep down it’s unfair on both my child and her grandparents. I guess it was just heat of the moment!

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/02/2020 23:08

I’m really sorry about your mum, but I think it was a thoughtless comment, quite possibly driven by the alcohol, and unless he’s got a history of malice, it’s a bit of an overreaction to stop contact completely.

You wouldn’t be wrong to pull back for a little bit, let DH take baby to see them, and explain to them that his comment upset you and you’re struggling right now.

timeisnotaline · 22/02/2020 23:08

I can see why you’re upset but honestly going no contact would be a pretty extreme overreaction. Your oh should talk to them to say no more negative comments about your mums outlook please, it’s very upsetting.

Likelyasleep · 22/02/2020 23:10

I imagine that his comment may have more to do with his past experiences with cancer or illness and is a reflection of his own attitude, as opposed to a lack of support.

It was of course tactless, and completely reasonable to be upsetting for you. I do wonder if it is something said that if he hasn't been drinking, he would never have dreamed of saying. I have definitely said stuff in the past that is not at all a reflection of my true feelings, or said without considering the impact of the words.

If there are further problems with your relationship with FIL then this will need more time to work on. But if it's otherwise positive, then perhaps you or OH need to have a quiet, and sensible conversation, maybe just requesting he keeps his opinions on that subject to himself while you're going through a tough time.

This has the potential to really hurt your family over what sounds like a thoughtless throw away comment, rather than someone who would want to cause upset.

I would pick someone who makes a silly comment over someone who never asks after your family.

So definitely clear the air, come up with a positive way to move forward. And then do just that - move forward and enjoy having as much family around your little one as possible.

Thinking of you

Chickychoccyegg · 22/02/2020 23:10

what a shame op, i can understand why you're upset at that, i would be too. It sounds like fil made a rubbish ill thought out comment while a bit drunk, but wasn't being deliberately hurtful.
Hopefully he wakes up in the morning horrified by his comment and apologies to you,especially once your OH tells him how upset you were, i think i would try to let it go on this occasion.

Waveysnail · 22/02/2020 23:11

Thoughtless and blunt but hardly a reason to cut him off.

Daftodil · 22/02/2020 23:12

FIL was insensitive, but I wouldn't cut contact over this one incident. Perhaps cancer is a difficult topic for him to discuss and unfortunately, the older you get the more likely it is that you've lost someone yourself to cancer, so he may have had someone else on his mind which got muddled because he'd had a few too many.

Equally, if you're worried about your family member, you're going to be more sensitive about it but if you've also got a 4 month old then hormones and sleep deprivation may also be contributing to you breaking down about things in the car.

You've obviously got a lot on your plate, but I would personally try to forgive and move on rather than cutting all ties.

TitianaTitsling · 22/02/2020 23:13

I absolutely understand your upset, but why would your not wanting to see 'fil' stop your DP going around without you? I'll thought out, horribly insensitive comment but unless a massive backstory yabu.

squee123 · 22/02/2020 23:15

I can understand completely why you're so upset, but I don't think it is worth causing a major family rift over it.

I do wonder if it was a badly misjudged attempt at gently trying to prepare you for the fact things may not go well. Completely inappropriate and out of place of course, but I had someone say similar to me once. It eventually transpired they had previously had their head in the sand about a loved one's condition and subsequently regretted having not accepted the possibility things may not go well and therefore didn't spend as much time with them as they felt they should have done. In their head they were trying to save me from the same mistake but it came across all wrong and was really upsetting.

PrinnyPree · 22/02/2020 23:15

He was insensitive and because of the drink his filter had completely gone. Tell your OH to have a word and explain how hurtful and upsetting that was for you. However NC over over an insensitive remark is OTT especially when there's Grandchildren, he just needs a word in his ear about tact. Having said that I'm incredibly protective of my DM too so can empathise with your reaction.

I hope your Mum recovers. Xxx Sending all the love.

QueenofmyPrinces · 22/02/2020 23:16

Very sorry to hear about your mom and it’s understandable why you are so upset.

I think you’ve had a knee jerk reaction and to cut contact over an ill thought comment would be very extreme and unreasonable.

Blondebakingmumma · 22/02/2020 23:17

Sounds like a thoughtless comment at a time when you are feeling fragile. Sorry but you are overreacting

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 23:24

It was certainly nasty, the question is whether it was thoughtlessly or maliciously so.

Is there a back story? Has he made other harsh comments to you? Does he have a drinking problem and/or behaviour problems?

Bouncingbelle · 22/02/2020 23:33

The adult thing to do is talk about your feelings, not cut contact! It was a thoughtless remark and no wonder you are hurt. I would either tell FIL myself or get DP to tell him & MIL how hurt you were given the situation. Hopefully he will apologise a d you can all just move on. And I hope things DO work out well for your mum.

Samtsirch · 22/02/2020 23:35

Completely agree with squee 123
Sometimes what’s in our head comes out of our mouths awkwardly, and sometimes what we hear is so much more painful and offensive due to the particular situation we are in.
I am so very sorry about your mother and the pain you must be dealing with, I think he would feel dreadful if he realised the effect his words have had, he may like the chance to express himself in a kinder and more sympathetic way if you feel generous enough to give him that chance.

Duck90 · 23/02/2020 00:02

Avoid him for a bit. I would want to stay away from such unsupportive remarks during a very hard time like this. No contact is not to be decided when you are so vulnerable. Take care.

Ilovechinese · 23/02/2020 05:52

First of all I'm very sorry about your Mum and it was definitely insensitive of him to be so blunt like that but as others have said it it extreme to go no contact after one comment with was probably a bit foot in mouth and hopefully he will realise what he said and apologise after he's sobered up. I lost my own mother to cancer myself not long so I'm very sorry to hear your Mum has this.

Ilovechinese · 23/02/2020 05:52

*not long ago

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