I’m struggling and at the moment resent my son with special needs

[starsparkle08]

I have a son aged 9 . He has autism adhd learning difficulties and very severe challenging behaviours . He attends a specialist school and when out in public ( other than with me) he requires 2:1 support from carers .

The challenging behaviours are extremely unpredictable and range from biting , kicking , pinching , throwing items , targeting peers at school , making worrying comments saying he wants to kill people. He says he wants wants to kill me sometimes too ( though doesn’t understand what he’s really saying ) . He will run off in public and it is hard to keep up with him and worrying what he may do.
His sleep is very poor and I struggle to sleep on top of this .
He shouts a lot which is also difficult throughout the day daily .

I love my son but I’m feeling so run down into the ground and exhausted. Sometimes I wish I could just walk away from my life as I wake up dreading the day ahead and dreading what will walk through the door when he gets home from school . I feel very guilty for resenting him at times and at the moment it’s particularly bad .
Support is very sparse and although I’m his mum I’m not super human.
My Wellbeing is not good and I am seeking support for this - however my situation is not going to change. Sometimes I even fantasise about walking out the door and not coming back . This is something I wouldn’t act on but it’s awful to feel so desperate .
I probably need to pull myself together and get on with it

OP YADNBU. I have no idea what the solution is but you're in a stressful exhausting situation and I think anyone would feel as you do.

Oh gosh op ice just posted a moan and chat and feel embarrassed.

You have it so much tougher you poor thing! It sounds really hard.

Could your son get respite care on a weekend so you get a break?

Where is his dad?

YANBU. I would not be able to cope in your situation.

I can’t be much help I am afraid but just want to say you are an amazing mum. I wish i could help in some way but just know I think you are doing the most amazing job for your lovely son and never feel guilty for your perfectly acceptable feelings

Just me looking after him as his dad was abusive

I work with children like your son. The threats to kill are not personal and we see such behaviours often in ADHD kids. Is he medicated?

It must be really hard to live with, I suppose in dark times you have to look at his good points and I'm sure he can be loving. Can someone give you some respite? Have you just had half term?

That's really tough.
Do you get any funded support outside of school?
It sounds like you would qualify for social care funding from the disability team. You may already have that and it may not be anywhere near enough.
you deserve much much more

Op, this is absolutely not on you. It’s a horribly difficult situation where there is just not enough support available for those who need it. Unfortunately to get the support you need you have to fight. Clearly if he require 2 carers out then you simply can’t do it by yourself. Have you tried talking to the school - is there a boarding option or a respite option. Also have you tried one of the local support groups - other parents who have already had this fight might be able to tell you what there is and how you can access it? Ultimately supporting you is in everyone’s interest as the alternatives are much more expensive. Just be kind to yourself.

Is there any possibility of a residential school, OP? You must be incredibly stressed.

Is there a residential school that he could go to? A friend of mine was able to achieve this but it was very difficult to get funding from her LA. The child was 12 at the time and violent towards her sibling.

So much respect for you, it must be incredibly difficult especially on your own. YANBU at all, I think it would be very hard not to feel resentful sometimes. it must be exhausting however much you love him.

Oh OP, moan away. How absolutely horrendous. I have the greatest of respect for anyone in your situation. It sounds like hell on earth.
Writing down how you feel is a great idea.

Wishing you strength.

A very difficult situation for you, OP Don't feel bad - it's perfectly normal to feel that way. Best wishes to you xx

Unmumsnetty hugs OP. Of course you love your son to bits and are doing everything in your power to look after him. That doesn't take away from the fact that it's really really hard work. You need a break. Is there anyone you can ask for help? What do you do when he goes to school? If you're in work can you take a day of leave to yourself? If you're at home can you spend a day (more?) just doing recharging things like having a bath, watching some telly?

Are there any carer's support groups or parent peer support groups near you?

Sorry to hear this op, I wish your life was much easier

I have a son with ASD (confirmed/diagnosed) with demand avoidance profile (we suspect PDA). I understand. It's brutal. I love him, he's my world but it's brutal. I always wonder how other families cope and respond as I'm on the verge of breakdown myself. And I have an understanding supporting husband right by my side taking the blows with me from my our child (metaphorical and physical) so all I can say absolute respect and .

Brutally hard

I would personally look at calming medication , and residential respite care . Sorry if that’s insensitive and offends anyone

Have just done one half term with my very challenged (NT) tween and I am on my knees

I send you every strength to get some more support than you currently get

Also make sure you get every bit of MH support you can too . My sons behaviour post split is so challenging I have stayed AD. And I am only getting probably 1% of what you get

My son is exactly the same as yours but he is 12 & huge now and violent. Just before Xmas one of my neighbours reported me for shouting/slamming doors etc &'said my son was overweight (he had a food obsession & it's very difficult to manage I get him plenty of exercis) and also said he wasn't going to school (he had been excluded & I am looking for a new special school for him. It made me feel like the worse mum in the world. I am on sertraline now & it's helped loads. Can you look at a residential placement where he comes home on a weekend maybe?

Do your local authority offer you any proper respite? If not, they should be eg weekend fostering.

A residential setting is also a must before you burn out

thankgodghstsover75

You know what when people
Report it can sometimes open the door to
More help and support . Just don’t feel bad , your neighbours don’t know and are going on surface views . Good luck with the new school hunt . And the setraline . I find my
12 year old far more challenging than my abusive ex . Funny that

I really don't think I would cope in your situation. You're amazing, please don't forget that.

Yanbu. I have a 8 year old with autism. It’s hard, I can’t rake her anyway as she thinks everyone is talking about her and looking at her (even though they are not) this causes her to scream and cry and lash out on occasions . Life is very tough as I’m also a single mum so no support with her. It was so bad at one point I was considering residential but couldn’t go through with it. Just to let you know you are not alone

I think all sen parents sometimes dream of walking out the door. Adhd medication and anti anxiety meds have helped hugely as have sleep medication.

Oh goodness OP sounds really awful and so unfair.

Is residential out of the question?

Yes it's very hard I have severely autistic was who also has learning disabilities ,I don't think posters understand though ,there is very little respite on offer we get one day a week in the school holidays at a special needs play scheme for which we have to pay a fee albeit a small one .