I’m struggling and at the moment resent my son with special needs

[starsparkle08]

I have a son aged 9 . He has autism adhd learning difficulties and very severe challenging behaviours . He attends a specialist school and when out in public ( other than with me) he requires 2:1 support from carers .

The challenging behaviours are extremely unpredictable and range from biting , kicking , pinching , throwing items , targeting peers at school , making worrying comments saying he wants to kill people. He says he wants wants to kill me sometimes too ( though doesn’t understand what he’s really saying ) . He will run off in public and it is hard to keep up with him and worrying what he may do.
His sleep is very poor and I struggle to sleep on top of this .
He shouts a lot which is also difficult throughout the day daily .

I love my son but I’m feeling so run down into the ground and exhausted. Sometimes I wish I could just walk away from my life as I wake up dreading the day ahead and dreading what will walk through the door when he gets home from school . I feel very guilty for resenting him at times and at the moment it’s particularly bad .
Support is very sparse and although I’m his mum I’m not super human.
My Wellbeing is not good and I am seeking support for this - however my situation is not going to change. Sometimes I even fantasise about walking out the door and not coming back . This is something I wouldn’t act on but it’s awful to feel so desperate .
I probably need to pull myself together and get on with it

Yanbu OP

I don’t know what to suggest that you aren’t already in the process of doing or others haven’t already suggested. I just want to add another supportive voice saying not to beat yourself up and that I can totally relate to how you feel as I have felt this way in the past about my child who has ADHD and ASD and it can be difficult, thankless and lonely at times.

Are they medicated for sleep? My son has ASD and is fortunately not violent or needs medicating etc but it's still a struggle in many other areas. Sleep makes all the difference and we only started getting good sleep in the last year. I feel I can cope much better on sleep alone!

I feel for you op,I often post for support about my severely autistic son on mumsnet.my son is only 5 and I'm on my knees every day with the stress of looking after him.i too often have feelings of resentment and feel depressed , it's hard not to when you know it's a situation you can do very little about.i fear for our future.i cant offer help,just wanted to reach out from one mum to another, I pray with all my heart it gets better for us.xxx

YANBU. I’m sorry it’s so tough at the moment OP. Does he have an EHC plan? Have you thought about calling for an emergency annual review? Or asking for a social care assessment? I also agree with other posters that a residential setting could work really well, hence why a social care assessment could help. There are lots of lawyers out there who help with this exact sort of thing too, especially when you are finding it so hard and he’s putting himself and others at risk of harm. Best of luck OP.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that I have no doubt that you are doing the best that you can and it must be really difficult. I would echo what other pp's have said and perhaps look into respite?

I'm in a similar position; so sending you hugs in solidarity of what we have to deal with every single day. It absolutely sucks.

Not sure if you've said what meds he's on, if any? I buy melatonin which helps bedtimes, and have had to tinker with the timing of daily meds for the best outcome, but some days even that isn't enough.

I wished I lived in a world where I knew nothing of child to parent violence, where I wasn't triggered by his behaviour and shouting etc. I'm deep in compassion fatigue, and it doesn't make me a very good parent.

Have you joined the "Breaking the Silence on SEND VCB" Facebook page? PDA strategies work well (all relative!) for us; I'm starting an NVR course, and have been following Dr Ross Greene - The Explosive Child model of parenting. But I know all of these take energy and commitment and these can be in short supply, or non-existent, some days.

Sorry, long post!

Yanbu .
I have a challenging and violent 11yr old and it's very hard going.

Absolutely not you.
i feel guilty it makes me so desperate and depressed. But feeling much better 2 weeks on antidepressants. I felt awful saying his disability needs have made me unwell but thats reality. He attacks his siblings and rules the house. He's 5 :( Solid muscle already, prob going to 6ft plus. I'm worried what the future might be.

do you get any respite? if you get some, can this be increased?

Are you working or are you getting at least some break when he is in school?

Sorry, OP.

Has he been on half-term this week?

In my town @dairyfairies they are reducing the very limited respite families do get ,not increasing it most of my friends also have children with complex disabilities and none of us get very much in the way of respite .

@starsparkle08 YANBU at all. I don't know how you cope to be honest. I couldn't do it. I don't know how people manage.

As a load of posters have said, you need regular breaks, and someone to help. Otherwise I have no other advice. Sorry.

I know that you are all trying to be really positive and supportive, but honestly, the situation with respite is dire in almost every area of the country. There simply isn’t any, and if there is then there’s so little it’s not helpful. In my county there are two people who offer weekday respite. For the entire county. When the children are at school. It’s a joke.

EHCP is also a joke. You need to be a in a very good place emotionally to struggle through that argument.

Op Please be kind to yourself. You’re doing an amazing thing, and it’s so hard. Try and make the most of the time you do get when he’s asleep or at school. It won’t always be this hard. Wish I could help you but I can’t. I do understand exactly how you feel though.

Gosh OP sounds so hard. I have no experience of this kind of situation but you sound amazingly resilient and anyone would eventually feel ground down by what you are coping with

x2boys, I know. it's crap everywhere. I have a 12 year old with ASD and severe LD and despite having no support or help, never have had any respite in any shape of form. But I am hanging in there.

Sounds like OP is not able to cope anymore.

Sending you a virtual hug xxx

I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice but just wanted to say yanbu....it sounds incredibly tough.

Yep.you have to hang in there @dairyfairies , I know people think they are being kind when they are saying they couldn't do what the Op.does ,but tbh you have no.idea what you can cope with until you are faced with it , most parents of children with disabilities me included are just doing the best we can and muddling through.

I get it. I have a 14 year old who requires 2:1 support with anyone who is paid to support him but during school holiday weeks I have to manage on my own. I'm fortunate in having dh's support at weekends. There is no respite because there is no one specialist enough to do it. It is hard.

It’s so hard OP 😭 and totally normal to feel like this. I have a son diagnosed with autism but I diagnosed adhd. He is extremely challenging. I’m exhausted, my partners exhausted, we have no time a couple, it affects my youngest too. It’s so hard!! Nobody really gets it until they’ve been in the situation.

we have no support either 😭 there is nothing in my area. Thankfully he is supported at school.

I love my son or course I do but I don’t really enjoy being his mother at the minute.

No advice as such but you are not alone and don’t beat yourself up. You are doing a great job x

Just to add to my last comment. The stress of it all has caused my blood pressure to increase a lot. The doctor wants me to try lifestyle changes before medication but I really don’t know how I’m meant to reduce the stress in my life??

It’s so hard going . It’s sad that others are struggling also but also reassuring not being alone too. Thankyou all for the very supportive comments x

There is shockingly little out there to support parents of severely disabled or challenging children. Reports is usually short breaks (eg 4-5 hours a week if that) or a couple of nights a year. There just isn't the framework people seem to think there should be.

Then at the other end there's residential boarding - very hard to get and often an imperfect solution.

I'm sorry op. My suggestion would be to join your parent carer forum (just google your area and 'parent carer forum) as this is a group of parents of SEND kids who are also able to get their voice heard locally but as a side effect are often a great source of knowledge and support locally.

I just came home from a meal out with my disabled teen and feel so drained. Only thing we've tried in a month and it's just people staring, me being stressed and resenting the money and him all agitated now.

Sorry, 'respite' not 'reports'