To think it's really hard to get your family to help out more

[Thisismynewname123]

There's two parts to this.

Firstly, if you have school age children and a partner who all do very little to nothing to help around the house, and you work full time out of the house, do you think it's possible to have a tidy house and to ever get time to just sit down in the evening?

Secondly, has anyone successfully managed to change the behaviour of their family, to get them to help more? Whenever I try to talk about it, I get told to stop moaning that they will try more, but nothing changes.

DD is quite capable, and she tries but she is inherently lazy and leaves her stuff around no matter how much I tell her to take it to her room/put plates in the kitchen, etc. She means well though, and the intention is there and possibly I just need to guide her more on what she could specifically do to help me.

DS has ADHD and ASD. Just getting dressed and ready for the day can be a huge task and take an hour, so I feel like it's an achievement when the necessities are done, let alone then fighting over emptying the dishwasher, or picking up mess on the table, or whatever else.

I'm going back to work full time, after having not worked for the past year. When I was working previously, I was mostly working from home, whereas I will now be office based. I'm going to come home at the end of the day, will have to clean up everyone's breakfast stuff that will still be in the sink, and all the other morning mess that no one will have touched, then will have to do the laundry and get dinner on and prepare packed lunches for the next day, run around to activities, etc. DH works full time as well and will get home when most of the running has been done, in time for dinner. When I tell him that I'm worried about it, he just says that I did it before and it will all be fine, but of course it's fine to everyone else because they don't realise how much is involved in just the basics. I have done it before but I was exhausted all the time, the house was always a mess (except for one day a week when the cleaner comes) and I'm dreading all of the juggling again. But I know that no matter what I say, the attitude and behaviour of everyone at home isn't going to change, and they'll keep expecting me to just keep going. I'm in quite a panic about it, and I don't know what to do. I feel like even the little bits they can do won't change the bigger picture. I'm always going to be the one doing all the laundry, making all the meals, fighting with DS to get ready in the morning. I don't see any of that changing. Can anyone give me some hope by telling me that they have managed to implement significant changes with their family in how the household is run?

Well, you have a major DH problem.

What do you want to do about him?

Why on earth is your husband not pulling his weight? Does he think that having a job means he has to do no parenting or house work?

Well I'd be having a chat with the husband about where he can pick up the slack.

' you did it before and it will all be fine' indeed!

If it carries on once you are full time, call your DD and your DH into the messy areas and tell them to say to you out loud, 'fuck you', because that is what they are saying when they leave their mess.

Before you get to that point, give specific instructions to your DD and lose your shit when it isn't done, because otherwise you will get to that point anyway.

Your DH is a bigger problem. Ask him if he cares about you, because you can't do it again and if he does, how is he going to ensure that he pulls his weight.

Not doing housework is a symptom of a bigger issue, in regards to respect and caring.

Your husband comes home to see all the mess tidied away so obviously doesn't see a problem. Stop doing it. Get home, relax, make dinner and then when DH gets home say "you were right, the mess isn't so bad is it? Let's tackle it together"

Why should you be everyone’s servant? It would really piss me off that my family felt so little for me that they would sit back while I struggled.
This is your life too and you have to take whatever measures you need to to get everyone on board so you can have some downtime.

Assign everyone their chores and tell everyone that because you’ll be working there has to be changes.
Unplug the router.
Take dcs phones.
Refuse to sort out dinner unless everyone pulls their weight.
Go mad.
Do whatever it takes.

Little tasks like rinsing breakfast dishes and putting them in the dishwasher, putting dirty laundry and clean laundry in the right place,
Tidying up after yourself will all help to make things less stressful for you.

Something my parents used to do... they would tell us to tidy up and say "in 20 minutes, anything left on the floor will go in a big black bin bag to be thrown out." Definitely got us moving!

A friend puts on a fast dance track and her and the kids have until the end of the song to tidy the room. The kids love it and whizz around like loons throwing all the toys in the right boxes (the kids are under 5 though, so not sure how well it would work with teens...)

OP, if you continue to do everything, why would they change.
Your husband is selfish.
You can't change him but you can change how you behave.
Start today.
They will all be doing their own laundry.
You will do yours.
Gather them together to show them how the machine works.

Put everything lying around the place in black bags. Do not return their stuff to their bedrooms. Tell them look in the black bags if they are looking for something.
Tell your husband if you cook, he cleans up.
End of.
Tell everyone to clear the kitchen from breakfast.

OP, your family are treating you like a mug.

Stop doing things for them.
They'll get the message.

You have taught them how to treat you.

Change that.

I'm sorry but your husband is a dickhead.

at some point you have to transition your family to self-care, however painful. That's why being at home is dangerous, too easy for people to see you as the person that does all the rubbish stuff.

You need a family meeting, a rota and consequences for non compliance. Even the DS can do some appropriate tasks although obviously you'll need to think about it carefully, even if it's hanging their coats and shoes up in the right place (a battle I fight daily).

Presumably as a family you want the extra money that you working will bring, so spell this out to them.

Stop being their servant and they will learn. My DH works full time, he commutes daily. I also work full time but a lot from home. When I am working I am working regardless of where from. I spend my saved commute time doing stuff around the house but we work as a team. He is not great at tidying but he cooks and washes up, he also takes all clean clothes up and sorts. My daughter brings dirty clothes down, takes out recycling, feeds the small animals on my office days. Get them to do simple jobs that they can do well, they learn from praise (the kids I mean) and are then more likely to do other jobs too.

A friend puts on a fast dance track and her and the kids have until the end of the song to tidy the room.

Do you think your husband will respond to this?

The problem isn't the kids, it's the lazy and disrespectful husband who is modelling to them that "mum is our servant".

@user53976478853, I agree

Plus op, come on, this us mn, here the 5 year olds cook dinner and do their own washing and the teens run a home the minute they turn 18.

I am not patient. In the past, if I was ignored long enough re clearing up, I would clear everything from both teen son and daughter's floors and chuck in black bags. Contents included dirty clothes, any washing up lying around, old food possibly, make up, records, etc. Two hours for them to sort out after school or out for bin. Harsh but effective.

You are enabling then to be like this. Just stop doing everything. I know it's hard but you are your own enemy.

Soooo you go back to work full-time and your husband's life doesn't change one bit? That's not going to work, frankly. THAT is the source of your concern, and rightly so.

Unacceptable.

*Do you think your husband will respond to this?

The problem isn't the kids, it's the lazy and disrespectful husband who is modelling to them that "mum is our servant".*

@user53976478853, the question was "has anyone successfully managed to change the behaviour of their family, to get them to help more?" And this is something that someone has done to change the behaviour of their family. And if the husband is out all day and not back until dinner time, then it isn't him making the mess, it is the kids. Not excusing the "you did it before, it's all fine" comment, just highlighting that he isn't there to make the mess, so it is the kids who need to learn to pick up after themselves more.

yes it's a whole family problem - definitely your DH needs a bit of disillusionment that you can do everything and work full time and it'll be fine, but all of your family members need to do more.

But presumably he has breakfast and eats dinner, has his clothes washed and sits on clean furniture, walks on a hoovered carpet? So if OP is dealing with DS in the morning, husband should be tidying up at least his breakfast stuff. If he leaves too early to help with anything else, it gets left in the sink, then he can deal with it, along with the dinner clear up after they've all eaten. OP has cooked, he cleans up. Kids are responsible for their rooms. Maybe the DD can start doing hoovering once a week and her own laundry or at least putting it in the right laundry bin ready. Ditto the husband. OP the only way this will change is if you sit your DH and DD down and make a big deal out of this, not small 'nagging' as you go along, but a proper meeting about a serious household issue that has to he resolved before you return to work.

How old are your children?

What time does oh go to work?

I would allocate jobs to the oh and don't do them!!! So laundry for example, that could be his remit, wash, dry, iron, put away. How he organises it is his issue. You say do dinner prep and cook. If children of an age then they can wash up or load the dishwasher.

Learn the art of delegation.

If your oh won't get involved then don't work ft.

I would also look at reducing commitments in the week. So no clubs or ferrying if you don't get assistance. At weekends oh can do it.

Well the easiest thing is to train them from the word go and form good habits. I know pre-schoolers who could dust and sort washing. It was a game.
Older children & delinquent adults need to be given clear and direct orders with a please. For example, load the dishwasher, please. Take your xyz upstairs now, please. Rinse and repeat, do not discuss or debate. They get the hang fairly quickly.
Persistent avoiders end up with no clean clothes or unable to find their stuff. It is tricky, but you are teaching them to take responsibility and the consequences of not doing something.

Thank you for responses. Putting aside "DH is a dickhead" which isn't very helpful, some of this I will try to put in place.

Laundry - I don't understand families who say everyone does their own. I'd be really annoyed if DD (who is willing and able) put on a load of her undies, and the washing machine was only a third full, but she didn't put anything of anyone else's in with it. It seems like a huge waste of energy to say everyone do their own washing and no one else's. However, I agree that they (DD especially) need to be taught to then fold and put stuff away. Throwing it in the washing machine is the easy bit.

The problem is that I get home in the evening, the breakfast stuff is all out, and I can't start preparing dinner until I tidy that away, so I can't just leave it all in the sink until after dinner later.

I don't think DH realises how little he does. He will tell me that he cleans up after dinner, but that will involve putting plates in the dishwasher. The messy dishes get left in the sink "soaking", but then I'm the one who gets up first in the morning so I then have to wash them up when I come downstairs. I've told him that plenty of times. He says they need to soak. I disagree. I think they're easiest to wash as soon as they've been used. I wash most of it as I go along anyway, so it might only be one frying pan left (which he doesn't do, and doesn't realise how much I've already washed as I've gone along - chopping boards, sharp knives, etc).

@SoloMummy children are late primary/early secondary years. DH is usually last one out in the morning. He leaves after DD goes to school because he worries about leaving her to lock up.

I think it's the stuff they don't even realise I do that gets me down. So I get up an hour before everyone else in the morning, spend that hour tidying the kitchen and doing laundry, then make a cup of coffee. Everyone then comes downstairs to see me just as I sit down to drink a coffee. They don't realise an hour of work has already happened. I won't have time to do all that once I'm going to out to work.

I will be having a family meeting, and a family lesson on how to use the washing machine and sort out the clean clothes. DH will be told that he needs to at least take some responsibility for laundry (rather than telling me he's running low on underwear/shirts/sports gear, etc, which yes, he does now, and I know how bad that sounds rather than him just sticking it in the washing machine himself).

@ILiveInSalemsLot thank you, some of those suggestions I will actually use, such as phones are confiscated until tasks are complete.

I'm going to start a list of tasks that seem obvious, but no one is doing, such as hanging up coats in the cupboard rather than 100s of costs on the bannister, put shoes in cupboard (or at least tidy in the hallway if they're for the next day), and not dumping school bags in the hallway. DD can clean breakfast stuff (if it hasn't been done) while I sort out difficult DS when we get home in the evening. I'm going to note things as I go through the day to get a list together of the things that I do which I think are obvious, but no one else is even noticing, so that I can start assigning tasks. And pray that they take some of it on, rather than it being a novelty that lasts two days before they go back to their old ways.

From the autobiography of John Mortimer, barrister and playwright, who married an older woman with 5 youngish children. They rented a small cottage and Mrs M, understandably, was prone to depression

!bugger! ,and she often felt overwhelmed. She came downstairs one morning, looked at the bowl of overflowing washing up in the sink, opened the window and threw the lot into the garden. Magnificent! Have often envied this.

2 things I have done that have helped are

1 - DS (14) has a daily list. Pick up stuff on bedroom floor, bring cups plates etc down, that kind of thing. He also has a weekend list, strip bed, Hoover room, empty bin in room. It’s helping as he’s not very good if I just say ‘tidy your room’. He also has to bring his laundry downstairs weekly.

2 - when I am getting dinner, I fill the sink with hot soapy water for any dishes so that they can just be washed and rinsed straight after dinner.

DH does an equal share though so I don’t have so many issues.