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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner not wanting to meet ex husband

37 replies

findingmyselfagain · 22/02/2020 07:44

Hi I would really like to hear people's views on how I can find a way forward. I totally blame myself for this situation. I'll try to be as succinct as possible as there has been alot of emotional turmoil around this. Basically I've been officially divorced for a year and before this separated 2 years from my ex husband. We share 1ds together we we both adore,love to the moon and back and is the centre of our world. He is a good father now. However the reason why we split was his unreasonable behaviour. During our time together he was a member of SAA and AA. Since divorcing him we have both moved in. I'm living with my new partner,his daughter and our ds. It is all very amicable now and the main thing is we have and continue to work very hard to ensure Ds is happy which he is. Ds loves my partner and new sister we are all so happy. The one thing that really makes he sad which I totally blame myself is that my partner won't meet my ex husband as I stupidly told him at the start of our relationship before we lived together of some of the things my ex had shared with me in specificly SAA recovery which I know was wrong. It was an extremely difficult time and I think it was explaining and getting support. But by me doing so he obviously wants to protect his daughter and never wants her it him to meets my ex or his family. It's so sad as im not saying anyone needs to be good friends but just be amicable for the sake of ds eg all parties can't go to Ds birthday celebrations when he would love to have everyone there as he loves everyone. I'm gutted and devastated at myself how can I work this out?

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/02/2020 07:53

Maybe give it time
Things can and do change over time
Also , don’t have another child yet with new partner until you have more clarity

Is this a distaste for poor behaviour ( which is Understandable ) or controlling /jealous behaviour (not acceptable ) ?

Enchiladas · 22/02/2020 07:56

I don't think you can work it out. It's still relatively early days and there is obviously quite a sensitive history and children involved on both sides. I think it's one of those things that will just take time. Don't put any pressure on your DP as that will likely slow it down even more.

NotStayingIn · 22/02/2020 07:59

Is he worried your ex might be a danger to his daughter? Are those fears justified? We don’t know what you told him (and no need to tell us) but your partners behaviour can only really be judged in light of that.

Soontobe60 · 22/02/2020 08:03

My DH barely spoke to my ex for 10 years! But neither did I, because of what he did to me.

lunar1 · 22/02/2020 08:09

It's you partner's choice not to meet him, but because of that it's your partner that has to sacrifice going to events not your ex. It might bc e worth talking about what that could mean as your DS gets older.

Whyhaveidonethis · 22/02/2020 08:10

I'm in a similar situation. My ex DH is a good friend but my DP will not go to any family parties or anything if exDH is there. Its making my family feel like they are having to choose between them and feels very unfair. I don't actually think it can be resolved. It kind of breaks my heart.

Aberfalls · 22/02/2020 08:12

I had a v similar situation OP. I told my new partner about my ex's sexual conduct as it was important for me that he understood some sensitivities I have. My new partner instantly detested my ex and said he never wanted to meet him. That made me feel very secure in my new relationship so I'd take that from it OP. My son was 13 when I met my chap so we'd passed contact drop offs etc so there was really no prospect of paths crossing.

They did finally at 3 years in, causally at a wedding party we were both at. By then my ex had a new partner and a baby who had been unwell for a time so it gave my chap a perfect focus. "Hi, nice to meet you, how's the baby now? He's a lovely thing isn't it". Job done. Never met since.

Aberfalls · 22/02/2020 08:15

^he not it. My ex wouldn't be that rude regardless Smile

The birthday parties won't last forever, you can move to each doing your own thing for that.

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 08:21

I'm guessing SAA is sex addicts anonymous?

So is he addicted - or is he an abuser? There's a difference and it does sound a bit like what you have told your partner has prompted his concerns for his daughter.

Jess827 · 22/02/2020 08:22

You can't force your new partner to be around an abuser, or expose his daughter to it. It's really not okay to be pressuring him, and I really don't like how here it's being framed as your new partner is forcing you to make a choice... That's your ex's fault, and a direct impact of the choices he made. Not your new partner.

I would be really very upset at your trying to force happy families on everyone, it's still very very recent and your partner doesn't know the extent of the substance/alcoholism abuse... I mean, to get divorced, break up a family, lose your child to another family setup. It isn't a trivial abuse issue. Even if he is "a good dad now" Hmm (hopefully you understand the trauma your son has been through seeing his dad like that and the family breakup, it doesn't get fixed overnight?!?)

I actually think it's incredibly responsible for him to protect his daughter and err on the side of caution for now.

sendhelpppppp · 22/02/2020 08:24

Its his choice. Theres nothing you can do.

Many people dont want to socialise with their wifes ex. Its hardly a surprise he wants to keep his distance when your ex is clearly troubled.

Youre expecting too much.

Jess827 · 22/02/2020 08:24

You also blame yourself in your post.

Wake up!!!

This is neither your new partners fault nor yours.

Your ex's actions have led you here.

Why aren't you assigning the correct blame?

Dorris83 · 22/02/2020 08:25

What is SAA?

Bikerider2020 · 22/02/2020 08:26

I had to google it @Dorris83 sex addicts anonymous.

Original poster
findingmyselfagain · 22/02/2020 08:26

Thanks for comments I'm really hoping it's s time thing. My new partner is not controling or jealous it's a reaction to the unacceptable behaviour in the past. My ex seems to have turned his life around which I am grateful for for my son's sake. Yes it was me sharing and explaining why I had sensitivities about intamiticy at the start. I feel totally secure and stable in my new relationship. Especially towards the end, life with ex husband very chaotic eg going on benders and coming home at 7am not knowing where he'd been when I had a 2 year old D's is 5 soon. Ex now hasn't had a drink in a year and seems to have completely turn life around. Maybe it took the divorce for him to sort himself out

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 22/02/2020 08:28

I think you need to respect how your partner feels; I see my DHs ex every so often for handovers with DSD whereas in the past I used to see her every time and I find it much easier now he’s less often. Realistically there are very few events where you’d all need to be there, my DSD has declines joint birthday events as it’s “too weird” to have both sides of her family with new partners and at school events there are usually limited tickets so her mum and dad go. At Christmas none of us have any desire to spend it together.

JustWearThePants · 22/02/2020 08:30

It would depend for me what you told him (not that you have to say obviously).

But it sounds from your post that he feels he's protecting his daughter in some way by not ever wanting him to meet her. That to me suggests he thinks he's doing the right thing so I couldn't really say whether he's BU or not. His daughter is his priority and for some reason whatever you told him (or more importantly, whatever your ex did), has made him feel like he doesn't ever want your ex near his daughter.

Aberfalls · 22/02/2020 08:31

Your chap won't be interested in the fact your ex has turned himself around, he'll only think of the hurt caused to you in the past. I think you can take comfort that your ex has turned a corner but accept that your former life and this one won't blend. Longer term, you won't need them to.

Original poster
findingmyselfagain · 22/02/2020 08:36

I do understand this situation is due to my ex and the choices he made I think that's why I've posted this to give myself a kick. I am not forcing the issue or talking about it often with my partner I totally understand and respect his decision. I'm posting on here as a support as I am sad about everything I wish things were different. But I am aware that it was ultimately my ex behaviour that's caused this. I'm going to focus on making sure the situation is stable for both our children and they are happy

OP posts:
Mary132909 · 08/03/2020 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ginormoustrawberry · 08/03/2020 00:39

That’s just what you need OP, the love spell Hmm

Suze1621 · 08/03/2020 08:04

I really don't think your current partner is being unreasonable in not wanting to meet your ex given the circumstances you have outlined. I think you need to revise your expectations so you can get past this.

fiddledefiddle · 08/03/2020 08:08

He's not being unreasonable, they don't need to meet.

Nanna50 · 08/03/2020 08:11

Why would your DP want to meet a man who had treated you so badly?
Why does it make you sad?
I agree with what @Aberfalls said.

Walkon · 08/03/2020 08:16

You can feel sad that you won't be able to have full family gatherings for your DS sake but you need to think about your new family and not force the situation.

You can't take back what you told your DP. Nor should you feel guilty. The information affected DP decision to not have his DD around him .

Plenty of divorced parents no longer have joint get togethers. You will just have the make your situation work for you now , without putting pressure on your DP to play happy families.