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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner not wanting to meet ex husband

37 replies

findingmyselfagain · 22/02/2020 07:44

Hi I would really like to hear people's views on how I can find a way forward. I totally blame myself for this situation. I'll try to be as succinct as possible as there has been alot of emotional turmoil around this. Basically I've been officially divorced for a year and before this separated 2 years from my ex husband. We share 1ds together we we both adore,love to the moon and back and is the centre of our world. He is a good father now. However the reason why we split was his unreasonable behaviour. During our time together he was a member of SAA and AA. Since divorcing him we have both moved in. I'm living with my new partner,his daughter and our ds. It is all very amicable now and the main thing is we have and continue to work very hard to ensure Ds is happy which he is. Ds loves my partner and new sister we are all so happy. The one thing that really makes he sad which I totally blame myself is that my partner won't meet my ex husband as I stupidly told him at the start of our relationship before we lived together of some of the things my ex had shared with me in specificly SAA recovery which I know was wrong. It was an extremely difficult time and I think it was explaining and getting support. But by me doing so he obviously wants to protect his daughter and never wants her it him to meets my ex or his family. It's so sad as im not saying anyone needs to be good friends but just be amicable for the sake of ds eg all parties can't go to Ds birthday celebrations when he would love to have everyone there as he loves everyone. I'm gutted and devastated at myself how can I work this out?

OP posts:
Cheesypea · 08/03/2020 08:20

The only time i can see this being an issue is at birthday partiesConfused ive told me ex to do something himself with dd on her birthdays.

Dipi79 · 08/03/2020 08:21

Unless your husband is a paedophile, I'm not sure why he wants to keep his daughter away from your ex? Is he still in recovery, having been in SAA and AA?
Perhaps your partner can look past your ex's past behaviour and approach this with maturity by attending events for your DS that your ex will also be present at? Otherwise, he's creating a clear divide that will only negatively effect your DS as time goes along.

PanicAndRun · 08/03/2020 08:24

Would you want someone like your ex in your DS's life if he wasn't his father?

lovepickledlimes · 08/03/2020 08:32

Would it be possible to slowly introduce meetings between them. If it is about what your ex has done would it be possible for the 3 of you to meet without the children. Then your partner can make up his mind if he is willing to let your ex be there in a controlled environment and set rules etc.

ColaFreezePop · 08/03/2020 08:32

@Dipi79 The ex is not related to the current partner or the OP's daughter so has no legal reason for any contact with them.

If the ex has had addiction issues then the current partner would potentially be putting his daughter at risk by allowing contact with the ex.

In terms of the current partner's own contact - you clearly haven't been around addicts - only if they are clean for years can you trust them.

lovepickledlimes · 08/03/2020 08:35

@ColaFreezePop totally see that but if OP and partner are together for a long time it could mean DS having to choose who he will invite to his graduation, his wedding etc. It would benefit if they can at least be in the same room etc

ColaFreezePop · 08/03/2020 08:41

@lovepickledlimes - when the children are adults the OP's ex should have been hopefully been clean for a decade or more so would be tolerated by the current partner. If the ex isn't then his own son may not want him at any events where there are alcohol or people he could hook up with.

namechanger2019 · 08/03/2020 08:44

I think YABU. If my dh's ex was an addict that mistreated him I wouldn't want me children around her either.

AJPTaylor · 08/03/2020 08:46

Your new chap sounds very sensible. By the time weddings and graduations come round, the kids will be adults.
Keeping it all separate is best. It sounds like new chap will keep you all grounded.

lovepickledlimes · 08/03/2020 08:46

@ColaFreezePop OP seems to think he turned his life around. I just think it might help if the current partner met the ex away from the children build that up for maybe 6 months a year or two however long it takes for him to judge if he can tolerate to be in the same room. As a child of parents that could not do this there is a huge emotional strain. You start to dread these events and hope they never come as you don't want to hurt either parent

Dipi79 · 08/03/2020 09:54

@ColaFreezePop, I didn't mention legalities, though, did I?
And, yes, I have been around 'addicts' and I'm in recovery, myself. 👍

Vulpine · 08/03/2020 10:20

I'm not sure how your new partners child spending a couple of hours at a family event with your once addicted ex is going to do her any harm. If you have forgiven him your partner should respect that and let the past be the past

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