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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told DD (11) to do her own washing?

52 replies

BramwellBrown · 21/02/2020 18:11

DD has got a horrible attitude at the moment and is being really rude and ungrateful and I've had enough of it. She huffs and rolls her eyes and varies between a snappy tone and sarcasm, she has completely forgotten the words please and thank you and regularly tells me she hates me.

I asked DD to get her washing out her room and she said "no, do it yourself" so I told her to do her washing herself. She's had a massive tantrum, I am the worst mother ever and she hates me and none of her friends parents make them do things round the house! (which is probably bollocks as I get "but all my friends parents..." a lot) She also says refusing to do her washing is "like uber neglectful."

She has very huffily done her washing, with a bit of guidance, but she is still sulking and muttering about injustice and I am now doubting myself (but not in front of her because I'm pretty sure she can smell weakness). I'm not planning to never ever do her washing again but is 11 old enough to do your own washing in these circumstances?

OP posts:
recrudescence · 21/02/2020 18:44

She also says refusing to do her washing is "like uber neglectful."

Grin
Mulledwineinajug · 21/02/2020 18:44

why don’t you expect an 11 yo to share some of the household jobs?she lives there, she needs to pitch in.

mbosnz · 21/02/2020 18:45

You are most certainly not being unreasonable. My kids dare to treat me like staff, they find the staff go on strike and they have to shovel their own shit.

It doesn't happen very often. Currently the battle is 'why should they have to clean their toilet'. . .because you're the ones making it so bloody manky! (And it means they learn how to clean the toilet, and yes, sometimes the person who has to clean the toilet is you. . .)

FrancisCrawford · 21/02/2020 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ffswhatnext · 21/02/2020 18:51

Nothing wrong with her doing the washing. And when she hangs it all up wrong in a strop, it's a great way to introduce her to the iron.

Never too early for children to learn how to do all the household stuff. By the age of 11 mine new how to make themselves something to eat, never mind the washing.

RoseMartha · 21/02/2020 18:51

@LangSpartacusCleg does that include 'you are the worst mum ever' which often gets yelled in my face.

Topseyt · 21/02/2020 18:56

Nothing wrong with doing that at all. Cheeky madam.

My three all have laundry bags in their rooms. I do generally do the family laundry because I prefer it that way. They are capable though, and will do some if I am away.

My rule is that if they don't bring it down then it doesn't get done. They have all learned the hard way on occasion but I ignore any huffing and puffing. I don't get so much of that now though as my youngest is almost 18 so they are all pretty agreeable these days. Not like when they were pre-teens and early teenagers.

ffswhatnext · 21/02/2020 19:01

I don't refer to it as helping with mine. They have to pitch in and do their share. But, but, but I would hear. Ok fine, I will stop doing my share. Asked them who would do it for them when they moved out, of course, one of them cheekily mentioned me. The 'mum' look said a thousand words 🤣

And the threats of childline because I was neglecting them for not doing basic daft stuff. Odd how they don't seem to like the phone handed to them with the number dialled in, ready for them to call. 🤣 Never understood how I was so unreasonable, I was only trying to help.

JRUIN · 21/02/2020 19:02

It's not like she had to go to the river and scrub her clothes on a rock is it? Of course you weren't being unreasonable.In fact considering she has the attitude of a teenager perhaps you should treat her as one and start giving her a few more chores to do.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 21/02/2020 19:16

To be honest it’s a good age for her to learn a basic life skill and some natural consequences. I am still reeling slightly from overhearing a colleague on the phone to her son very slowly walking him through how to hang up some bedding to dry. He was in his twenties!

WhiteBadger · 21/02/2020 19:26

All my kids have done there own washing since they went to High School. It's not hard is it?

I work full time, I'm not som unpaid skivvy!

They each make a meal a week too.

WhiteBadger · 21/02/2020 19:27

*their

Original poster
BramwellBrown · 21/02/2020 20:09

@RoseMartha you can't be the worst mother ever because I am.

OP posts:
Daftodil · 21/02/2020 20:18

I did the washing from about 8. If I was really good and promised to be careful I was able to convince my parents to let me do the ironing too! 😂😂 Don't know why, but it was a real treat for my 8yo self. 30 years later and I don't think I've picked up an iron in about 5 years apart from for weddings and funerals!

YANBU. My 2yo can load the washing machine and turn the dials. Assuming your DD has arms, she is more than capable and will look back on this when she is older and cringe at the "like uber neglectful" stance she's taking.

RoseMartha · 21/02/2020 20:37

@BramwellBrown lol. maybe we should take it as a sign we are doing the right thing for our kids 🙂

How is your dd now?

Alsohuman · 21/02/2020 20:40

I have a theory - the more times you are called a ‘mean mum’ between the child’s ages of 11-16, the better parent you are

So very true. I wouldn’t live through those years again for anything.

Original poster
BramwellBrown · 21/02/2020 20:51

@RoseMartha, she's calmed down a bit, well about that, shes now huffing coz I made her have a shower.

OP posts:
nedtherobbot · 21/02/2020 20:52

My dd is 7, she washes her PE kit at the end of the week and her rainbows uniform when it needs doing. She was shown how to use the washing machine towards the end of reception when she got huffy about me not washing her pe kit when it didn't make it to the washing basket. She washes hangs it to dry and puts it away again. I took responsibility for all my washing once I reached secondary school age.

marly11 · 21/02/2020 22:05

My DS did his own washing from secondary school age. He does little else but has always been bothered by what he looks like so it was a much easier job to make him do this and learn some level of independence without allocating other jobs that might involve more huffing and puffing from him, indignant eat doing things for others in the family or creating mess in the kitchen. He sees this as completely normal now and on the very odd occasion I do some of it for him he thanks me. So no, I think it is reasonable. I've failed to get him up to speed in meal prep for when he goes to uni but he will know what he's doing with washing! I will also be passing this responsibility to DS2 next September when he the same age.

strawberrylipgloss · 21/02/2020 22:25

Yanbu

You didn't ask her to do a hard/time consuming task like clean the oven or hand wash and dry the dishes after a Sunday roast

RoseMartha · 21/02/2020 23:54

@BramwellBrown oh dear!

Mine dc were not keen on having a bath either they wanted to shuffle dance.
🤗

DropZoneOne · 22/02/2020 00:03

Just leaving this advert here ... seemed appropriate Wink

ffswhatnext · 23/02/2020 14:55

Funny you should mention hand wash.
Once they started buying their own clothes, they quickly became accustomed to the delights of hand wash only 🤣 Muuuummmm but ppppllleaaaseee can you wash it for me? 🤣

That's when the bargaining begins, and they don't think it through long term, and oh damn they've just been tricked into doing something else, like cook twice a week for a month 🤣 They do realise of course afterwards, so use it very wisely.

And of course, give them free favours, and let them do it with you for minor things. One of mine was weird and loved ironing. The rare times I needed something ironing, do me a favour 🤣

Handwash can be substituted with anything that's a pita to do.

Oldraver · 23/02/2020 15:03

DS doesnt get stroppy but seems to have a permanent floordrobe. It does irk me when I ask for white stuff then there is a random shirt he hasn't picked up so I make him wash them by hand. It only happened a few times.

roarfeckingroar · 23/02/2020 15:35

At 11 I went to boarding school. We had to strip and remake our own beds every week, make our beds daily, keep our stuff tidy and put our laundry in the correct laundry baskets, retrieve clean clothes from the drying room then put them away ourselves. We also had to wash up any cups or plates we used for tea / toast in the evening.

It was absolutely fine. Took ten minutes tops a day. Set us up very well for university/adulthood.

Incidentally DP went to boarding from 8 and he does more than half of everything, looks for things that need doing etc.