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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know how to deal with my brother anymore

30 replies

pinklemonade84 · 21/02/2020 13:00

I'm not sure how to carry on dealing with my brother anymore

We have lost both of our parents (dad in 2009 and mum in 2017) and he seems to be acting as if I'm his mum.

He's not had the easiest of times and struggles with anxiety and depression, hut refuses to take the medication that the Dr has prescribed, because he doesn't want to "get hooked on tablets". And whenever any little thing goes wrong he kicks off and there's no reassuring him.

He blocked mein October and then got back in touch just before Christmas because I'd been dealing with my ill epileptic daughter and didn't reply to his Facebook message immediately. And when he kicked off at me, I stuck up for myself and didn't just take his tantrum like my mum used to do

He's having another crisis at the moment and I don't know how to deal with him. I'm sat here wanting to reassure him, but not wanting to say the wrong thing in fear of him kicking off at me again.

I've got my own troubles going on, but he nevers asks how we're doing, and if I mention anything he ignores it and moans about how things are so tough for him

I'm just finding it really draining. There's something almost every day, from the shops not having something in that he wants, to having to reapply for his driving licence, to his dogs playing up. I don't want to have to limit replying to him, yet, I can't say anything or disagree with him without him getting stroppy or off with me

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 21/02/2020 13:05

It does sound like he has latched onto you somewhat after your parents passed away. It’s really difficult when people are struggling but won’t seek help (defusing medication etc), there’s only so much you can do for them. Have you tried to speak to him about the demands he makes of you and how hard it can be (in a gentle way), or does he immediately go on the defensive?

BillHadersNewWife · 21/02/2020 13:06

I have a brother with MH problems. It's very hard. I went no contact for some time but in the end, decided that I only have one brother and couldn't cut him off.

Try to limit your availability to one slot every two days. Don't pick up the phone to him every day....text him and say "Busy now, will call tomorrow"

Set your own boundaries...whatever you can cope with. How old is he?

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/02/2020 13:09

@Sparklesocks he immediately goes on the defensive. I can't say anything that disagrees with what he's saying or he kicks off. He used to do exactly the same with our mum. He actually spent my wedding day following my mum around kicking off at her for every little thing because she dared to say something he disagreed with and my cousin pulled him up on being an idiot

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/02/2020 13:10

@BillHadersNewWife he's 31 next month

We have another brother, but he's cut him out of his life permanently because he felt like our other brother was doing to him what he's doing to me

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 21/02/2020 13:14

It sounds really tough OP. I think @BillHadersNewWife is right and you need to be firm with boundaries, as it hard as it may be it’s the only way he’ll learn that you will support him but you can’t drop everything from him every time

JudyCoolibar · 21/02/2020 13:21

Does he have social services support? Might he be persuaded to accept some?

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/02/2020 13:30

@JudyCoolibar he has a support worker that he sees every couple of weeks and they're helping him to find another house and deal with stuff that tends to trigger him

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/02/2020 13:33

When I don't reply to him immediately he just keeps messaging small things such as going into detail about what he wants to buy at the shops. But if I don't reply quickly enough he gets stroppy with me eventually

It's difficult, because I know how much he misses mum and dad. I miss them too

In some ways, I kind of think he's still angry with me that I had to tell the ambulance crew who came out to mum that she had a dnr form. And this is his way of punishing me. It sounds awful, but he really can be spiteful

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/02/2020 14:25

Like now for example, I've tried to explain that dd has gone to her grandparents for the afternoon so I can get on with some bits around the house. And I get back "oh don't worry Pink I won't burden you anymore"

I struggle with my own mental health and take Citalopram each day. But he never takes that into consideration. He's just focused on how tough things are for him. I'm aware it sounds like I'm doing the same, I just think he's ground me down again

OP posts:
Damntheman · 21/02/2020 14:25

You need to try to set yourself some firm boundaries. If he kicks offcan you tell him he can come back when he is ready to communicate in a calm and civil fashion, and you walk away? I must be really hard to try to break a habit your mum enabled for so long, but he's 31 and he needs to learn to stand on his own (and take his bloody meds) or what will he do if something happens to you?

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/02/2020 14:40

If I can see in the message preview that he's kicking off, I tend to try and not open it until I feel able to deal with him. Though that often ends in him getting worse with me

I know he's struggling and he misses mum and dad like crazy. Both parents gone before you're 30 has got to be sickening. But, I'm not mum, I have my own problems to deal with. I don't mind being there for him, but this extent is debilitating, especially when he won't help himself (take his meds)

He keeps on that I don't understand how hard things are for him. And to be honest it just makes me want to hit back and list everything that isn't easy for me, such as living with the memory of phoning 999 and saying that I thought mum had died, having to say about the dnr form, sitting there while the police examined her (plus dealing with dd who had a fit) and then seeing mum taken away in a body bag. He doesn't see that those things all haunt me, he's just so focused on how hard things are for him

OP posts:
Snugglemonster84 · 21/02/2020 14:44

You are all still quite young to have lost both of your parents. I'm very sorry about that. Does he have mental health issues or is he just lonely? I think losing your parents early has really affected him and he probably feels completely lost and isolated. Does he not work?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 21/02/2020 14:50

I'm sorry for your losses.

He's 31 and he has a support worker that he sees ever few weeks. I think that you might need to advise the support worker that you are going to be stepping back from his day to day care as you have your own issues you need to look after and you can't be there for him as often as he would like or need you to be. This is to let them know in advance so they can put in place whatever support mechanisms will be required so you can get your breathing space.

Have you tried telling him that you're struggling too or that you have issues, even some of the small stuff that you are dealing with that he isn't or doesn't have visibility of?
I can't imagine what you're going through but you have to start being a bit selfish here and look after your own mental health or else you'll run yourself ragged and you will be of no use to yourself, your family and in the long run, him.

Best of luck to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2020 14:52

I can't say anything that disagrees with what he's saying or he kicks off.

And? So? Let him kick off and that means you block him and refuse to be his punching bag. You are his emotional hostage, plain and simple. Put an end to it. It's a shame he is struggling, but he refuses to help himself, so how can you possibly help him? You have your own issues and family to deal with, and you should very clearly remind him of that. I think you should take a massive step back until he has proven that he is taking control of his own problems. Stop enabling and pandering to him in any way.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/02/2020 14:56

@Snugglemonster84 he's been on the sick since last year and has just had his universal credit claim updated that he doesn't have to take his sick notes in anymore

I think it's a mixture of mental health and loneliness. He's a very paranoid person and has driven so many of his friends away and our other brother

OP posts:
beanaseireann · 21/02/2020 14:56

Great post from Aquamarine1029

mbosnz · 21/02/2020 14:58

I'm very sorry for your losses, what you have gone through, and what you are dealing with.

With reference to your brother, a saying my Mum used to say definitely leapt to mind, 'you can't help them who won't help themselves'.

If he will not do what he can to help himself, taking medication etc, there's no way you are going to be able to help him.

You have to put yourself and your family first.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/02/2020 15:01

@WhatchaMaCalllit I've tried telling him, but he never actually acknowledges my problems. I tried to mention last week that dd had had an absent seizure at swimming and how worried I am about her starting school in September and he completely ignored it

I don't have contact with his support worker as I live in England and him in Wales. Which I think is part of my reluctance to put him on the back burner (despite needing to), so that he doesn't think I'm abandoning him

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 21/02/2020 15:02

Echo Aquamarine points

I’m really sorry you’re going through this but you need to step back.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/02/2020 15:04

@Aquamarine1029 you make a lot of sense. I'm very scared that he would do something silly. He says a lot how things are the "final nail in the coffin" and how he can't take anymore and with recent events in the news lately, it scares me so much because I don't know how I'd cope if he did

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 21/02/2020 15:06

It sound like a really tricky situation OP, completely understand why it's so difficult.

dottiedodah · 21/02/2020 15:16

I think this is a tough situation for you right now .You have my sympathy but you need to explain that you simply cant cope with any more stress ATM. The support workers are put in place for reasons like this .People always say what about their family ?(usually when having no experience whatsover ! Tell DB you will phone him once a week (Say Friday Afternoon ) for a quick chat .Tell Support worker this is happening (dont ask)! and see your GP as well .This sounds harsh but will only get worse in time if not sorted out now!

beanaseireann · 21/02/2020 15:18

You have to talk to his support worker.
He is completely self obsessed and yet won't help himself.
Do you have a partner to discuss your worries with OP ?

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 21/02/2020 15:19

I think it's a mixture of mental health and loneliness. He's a very paranoid person and has driven so many of his friends away and our other brother
The paranoia is a symptom of his illness. You do not get allocated a Support Worker by a MH team unless you are particularly unwell. It sounds as if he needs more professional help. Could you contact the MH team and request more support for him?

MH teams also offer help to carers of service users. Do you think this might be something that would help you too? It does sound as if you might need some help to cope with the trauma of your Mum's death too. (I can totally relate to that having also experienced something similar only 3 weeks ago).

It is bloody hard coping with someone else's mental ill-health, especially when you suffer depression yourself. The best way to deal with this is to see if you can secure more help for your brother so that he becomes less reliant on you.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 21/02/2020 15:28

Aquamarine1029

I think you should take a massive step back until he has proven that he is taking control of his own problems. Stop enabling and pandering to him in any way.
He is ill. He needs more help now because he is incapable of helping himself at the moment. People who get into the depths just can't always find it in themselves to take control of their problems.
What is supposed to happen when the OP steps back and her brother feels he has no-one he can turn to?