To ask WWYD...present to nephew and niece, nc with sibling...

[greatbiggreybluehumpbackwhale]

I've recently gone nc with my sibling. He is utterly vile and it's been a long time coming. Recent behaviour in front of my dc was inexcusable.

I've literally only met my nephew and niece a handful of times (they are toddlers/pre school age). Up until now I've got presents for them at birthdays and Christmas etc.

Not sure what to do re gift giving now that I'm nc with their parent. Feels weird to get a present but then don't want to cause unnecessary drama with my parents. Sibling is the golden child and the definition of grabby so will likely complain to my parents.

Was thinking just a nice card in the post wishing them a happy birthday?

Or do I continue as normal and get them nice birthday and Christmas gifts? Feels strange though as they are literally strangers to me and I don't feel any connection whatsoever with them.

Threads on here where people receive gifts for their children from relatives they are NC with tend to advise that the gift is binned, returned or donated. Based on that I wouldn't waste your time or money.

Try to leave the children out of the family issues. Continue to do what you would normally do, so they know you are still there for them.
My mum didn’t speak to her sister for 10years but I stayed there at least once a month and had a great relationship with my aunt.

I would not because it could be perceived as -

1. Passive aggressive to present gifts to children of adults you do not like
2. As way of extending an olive branch Furthermore the children are very young and unlikely to to remember anyway.

If you really don’t want to exclude them, you could send a nice card and put a token amount into A savings account for them?

stop the presents. If no contact then just stop. Am in similar situation and hate when stuff arrives for my kids from people they don’t even know or spend time with now.

I wouldn't do gifts. It will be confusing for the child to get a gift from someone they don't know and don't have a relationship with. It would be different if you had an established relationship and the kids were old enough to wonder where you'd gone but that isn't the case.

I wouldn’t want a gift from someone who was nc with my parent.

I would send a small token gift. If it doesn't get given to the child or is binned then it's not a whole load of money wasted. However if it does get given to them then at least they know you are still thinking of them and care. When they are older you can always say that you never forgot about them and always acknowledged their birthday/christmas.

I'm relatively new to this NC thing, my sister stopped speaking to me under a year ago but one DN has had a birthday, the other has been born, and obviously we've had Christmas so lots of gift-giving opportunities/expectations. I can only say from my own experience that I've carried on with gifts for the DNs but stopped gifts for her. I reasoned why would I spend time and money choosing something for a person who won't deign to speak to me. The kids aren't at fault though, it's not them that have caused this situation and I love them very much so I still sent them things.

I would warn that your sibling might use it as an opportunity to contact you, mine did. All thank yous and gushy and 'normal' and that just further confused the situation but I couldn't have not sent something to the DNs. Made her continue to look wonderful as the Golden Child and I stayed in my place as The Shit One but I can say I did right by my DNs who I love very much and miss an awful lot. I sympathise - it's a really tough situation to be in.

You don't really know the children, and they don't know you. Why not inform your brother, via your parents, that you'll set up small savings accounts for the children and put money in each birthday/Christmas for them to access when they're older?

Thanks for all the replies. It is definitely new territory for me and I appreciate everyone's replies.

I think it's confusing for the dc. I also think whatever happens my sibling will have something to say about it.

I get a nice present, they would say it's shit or cheap. I set up a savings... I'll probably be told how dare I be controlling/interfere with savings accounts for their dc. I give a card... how dare I involve the dc and not bother to buy anything.

So hard to navigate and I just want them out of my life. I selfishly don't want to have to think about them at all and unfortunately I feel that may have to involve the dc. But it does feel wrong because it's not the dcs fault we are nc.

No gift. You’re nc with your brother, so it’s weird to get his dc gifts.

I think that if if you are NC with your brother then you are by extension NC with his children, other it risks opening a huge can of worms. You’ve said yourself that you feel no connection his children and they are essentially strangers to you, and that they are too young to understand what is going on. I also think that I read that it’s not necessarily easy with your parents as they view him as the golden child so they wouldn’t necessarily stay neutral in this either.

That being the case, I think you’d be best to leave well enough alone - no cards, no presents, nothing at all. Better to be ‘in trouble’ for doing nothing, which is essentially an absence of anything and therefore cannot be used as a weapon, than ‘in trouble’ for doing something that he can read motives into, criticise, mock, belittle, use to measure his kids’ worth to you, etc etc etc.

The kids aren’t old enough to be confused

Don’t send anything

Definitely don’t send presents. Once you start you may find it hard to stop.

Just let things lie.

Watching with interest as I can see this being an issue for me. One sibling is now a parent. Other sibling is virtually NC with them and it will fall to me to be Auntie Eine.

I can't imagine that I will remain in contact with my sibling forever, at the moment sharing our DM forces contact. Our relationship is so volatile that all it would take at this point from me is one more serious instance of unreasonable behaviour.

Still, this is not the child's fault...

You are NC with your brother. The children have nothing to do with that decision presumably and therefore I don’t think it would be strange to continue sending gifts. Nothing extravagant, but a gift token or something. If you’re dealing with adults then I don’t think that’s confusing for a child ‘this is a present from Aunty X. We don’t see her right now but I can show you a photo from when daddy and Aunty X were little’. And then when the child is old enough to understand then it can be explained that the sibling relationship deteriorated but that the love for nieces and nephews was unwavering. I think that’s far more positive for children than extending the NC throughout...if previously there had been contact with them.

What do you want from NC with sibling? To never see or hear from them again or a gradual thawing and eventual peaceful low contact scenario?

If you want the NC for ever then why on earth continue contact through the dcs? It would be more confusing for young dcs to get a gift from an aunt they don't know and have never heard of than not getting one. If instead you hope for a gradual move to LC and family 'peace' then perhaps send a fairly impersonal gift e.g. a voucher and brace yourself for criticism and complaints. (in fact you'll get the criticism either way so what's the benefit of sending anything?)

this is a present from Aunty X. We don’t see her right now but I can show you a photo from when daddy and Aunty X were little

I'm sorry, but no-one who instigates NC is going to have that conversation with their kids.

I'm not really sure Haffdonga. I'm just sick of my parents forcing us to be in the same room because they don't want us to be on bad terms. I appreciate it's upsetting if your adult dc don't get along. However, my parents are very much part of the cause of the breakdown over the years and definitely aren't innocent. I've essentially said I'm never being in the same room with my sibling again, after their recent explicit and abusive outburst in front of my dc, which upset them witnessing it.

We live in a small town and our dcs will very likely go to junior/comprehensive together. DHs business is based here so we really don't want to move anytime soon.

In a nutshell, I don't want any dramatics with them. I don't care for a big fall out, I just wish for them to leave me alone and carry on with our lives respectfully. So maybe nothing is the best way forward. It can't be seen as a passive aggressive dig?

My mum has been NC with her two sisters and mum for about 9 years now. She always speaks positively about them and shares their positive attributes. She is happy to look at old photos and explains to my much younger siblings (9 and 14) that it’s a problem between the adults and that there is nothing but love for the children. There’s no reason to portray to children a terrible childhood and evil relatives. Quite often in NC situations there is a lot of love, but impossible communication and unresolvable hurt.

I would buy them a book and a card each birthday/Christmas - and if your normal spending is more, pop the difference in to a separate account for them, for their 18th birthday.

Families can be a real challenge!

I could write a very similar post. I decided that I would send a card with some money for birthdays and Christmas.
What ever I do would be wrong in their eyes so I’ve just done what I think the best thing to do is.
I didn’t receive a thank you and sort of easier not to expect one.
I’m more comfortable sending a gift than not.
So my advice would be do what works for you as it will never be right/enough in their eyes.

OP, the children are small and will not notice.
You have made a decision regarding your brother.
Do not complicate it with sending gifts to the children.
It is completely unnecessary IMO.

What I would do if you would really like to do something, is open an account for each of them and gift an amount for birthdays and Christmas, going forward.

When they reach an age of 18, you could hand the account to them.

I went NC with one of my siblings nearly 9 years ago and his children(they were all adults)his children had gone onto have children my Great Nephews and I was very close with my Great Nephews,the dickhead that was my brother bought Christmas presents for my DC and left them at my Mum and Dad's and I refused to take them,I think he bought more things for my DC afterwards but I refused to take anything that came from him and my DC wanted nothing to do with him or his children.

I have never sent cards or gifts to my Great Nephews because I cut they're parents off and went NC with them so that ment I lost the relationships with my Great Nephews,I missed them but I couldn't have contact with them without they're parents being involved.

I wouldn't send cards or presents,it pissed me of when the dickhead used to try and force contact with gifts and cards and that doesn't sound like that's what you want to do but it could be taken that way by your sibling.