AIBU to think my mum is wrong to sell my house?

[StealthLemonade]

This is pretty brief and I am trying to be as balanced as possible...

My mum is a narcassist, it took me years to really have the penny drop but my whole life she put me in the shadows and put herself very much first (but yes, she took me to stately homes!)

I left around age 16, a bad choice but I just wanted out. I had a massively failed marriage at 18-25, at the beginning of which my mum gave me £25,000 to buy a house. She never let me forget it (would even call my children scroungers when she was in a bad mood, and said she subsidised us). On the other hand, she paid all my sisters student loans, paid a chunk of a 40-50k wedding (mine was £200 and she didn't even let me wear a wedding dress). I always tried to be less of a burden on my mum, but my ex was utterly useless and often left us in deby which mum bailed us out of alot. But I always got the sense that she sort of kept me just afloat, like in a cage. When I left him to a refuge, she got mad for something a month later and told him where I was. When I made some friends, she reported me to social services because they were not white british. But in other ways, she gave me alot of help.
My ex did not want me to have the house, so it was agreed that he would get 15,000 and the house was to be put in my mums name (between me and my mum she agreed to give it back once I could get a mortgage as I was a student). A while later she kicked me out of it, saying her mortgage company did not allow family members to live there meaning instead of paying her £300 mortgage, I had to pay £1200 to rent another house. She pocketed the profit for 5 years. I told her several times I was ready to buy it back (I signed over all the equity to her) and she kept being vague about it all. I eventually found out she sold it, at a loss but still took the £100,000 equity for herself. At this time I was living in a homeless B & B and lost my oldest children to the same ex mainly due to instability of housing. She did not need the money, she owns three houses and I found out at the same time she appears to be sending chunks of money to a man in Thailand and also saw a message telling my sister when the money comes through from the house, she would take them both on a spa weekend to destress etc.
Part of me thinks... well she gave me the deposit, had to bail my ex out alot and was probably fed up of it all, but on the other hand she has given me far far less than my sister, habitually lied (sort of kept me on a string full of promises rather than letting me just go and live my life) alongside her nasty behaviour (calling my son a bloody half caste, reporting me an random to SS when she doesn't get her way, threatening me with sterilisation or sectioning when she's having one of her episodes and even lying about my grandads funeral because she didn't want me to bring my child)

So, who was wrong? I have cut her off now because she was like a huge cloud on my life and I was tired of living in fear (she would ring anyone and everyone such as refuge staff (who said she was abusive), my lecturers, any partners or their family) and this backstab was the final straw (shes an ex high up health professional and says she can get access to my medical records etc). The whole time I was homeless she didn't give me any support (I specifically mean emotional) - she would come to my town to do work and wouldn't even tell me. I asked her only for some white fabric she had in her loft (for years) to go around my bed as I was sharing a room with 4 children at the time and she said it was too good for me and she might need it. I said it wouldn't be cut (and she paid £1 a meter for it in a sale) and she just kept saying how good quality it was and she didn't want me to have it. She also makes my children sleep on air beds at her home with old wool blankets as her beds and bedding are too good for us. Sorry, rambling now, but what's MN opinion?

By all means get legal advice - maybe Citizens Advice can help you find a low cost/free half hour consultation - but the most important thing is that you get support to go NC with this woman - she sounds dangerous. I think unless you get help to stay away from her you will just be drawn in again and in a couple of years yet another disaster will have emerged. And she will be targeting your children as well.

You are struggling to explain what happened clearly, to me that suggests that you haven't processed this - can you access counselling? Please stay away from her and cut off the oxygen to this toxic relationship - she will never be the mother you want, process that first.

I would find if you have legal redress. As it was done in court, was it known that this arrangement would be reversed when you were in a position to take over the house? Your mother is a prize bitch. I would do everything I could to claw the money back.

Counselling might be useful, if not the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Homecoming/Reclaiming Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw might help you to process all this and see that it wasn't your fault.

Get uni finished.

Keep up with the counseling.

Stay away from your toxic mother.

Take that hard work and make a success of your life because that is the best revenge you'll ever have.

Buy your own house, you can do it, maybe not right away but you can do it.

My first viceral response was that your "mother" is a fucking greedy evil racist cunt, sorry if that's too much but your story really got to me.

Don't take any of the blame for who she is or what she's done because the vicious nasty calculating choices she has made are all on her.

At this point I find myself wishing divine retribution was a real thing because she sorely deserves some very nasty comeuppance but I fear people like her ultimately get away with their vile actions. All you can do is live for you and your kids, sod her.

I can’t follow this but wish the OP well in regaining some equilibrium

She is a shit mum but gave you tens of thousands of pounds when your ex wouldn't keep you

Wow

You're lucky she gave you a damn thing because most people don't get any family support.

So you hate her but took her money and think a house she paid for is yours?

Your mother sounds like a manipulator who liked to control you. She doesn’t want you to be independent so you’ve done well getting away from her and building your own life. Try not to be bitter as it only eats you up and gives her residual power over you. About your sister - sometimes being the golden child means being in a golden cage and ultimately controlled. Don’t waste your energy thinking about her or your mother. Enjoy your freedom and feel proud of yourself. I wish you and your children happiness.

You should never have trusted her and signed over your property. Never trust her again. I would honestly go no contact with her now. She does not benefit your life whatsoever.

I'm still confused about ex getting money, but check with solicitor about all this to put your mind at rest.

Then continue NC with your mother and focus solely on your own life and healing your scars.

I haven't read all of the responses on here, but just wanted to say that this is not your fault!! As a child with a narcissistic mother I can totally understand what has happened to you. My own mother did something similar to me a couple of years ago (offering me a huge sum of money to buy a house close to her rather than us moving away to a less expensive part of the country. The money was meant to come in installments and after the first one, which we used to top up our deposit and scrape a mortgage, the rest of the money was retracted for no other reason but a change of mind. I resisted the offer for months but she would not take no for an answer as she didn't want her grandchildren being too far away from her. How I wish I'd stuck to my guns. Now suddenly we are living on a ridiculously tight budget as all our money is going into a mortgage we can barely afford in a house that needs much updating and the other installments would have helped us to update and top up the mortgage repayments. Like your mum, mine enjoys seeing me just about managing and was not keen on us moving out of her grip, and with a cheaper mortgage having more money to actually enjoy life a bit.

As soon as I hit my stride and begin to become more resilient and independent, she finds a way to knock me back down. I genuinely thought this was normal mother/daughter behaviour until I started therapy over a year ago and now I can see my mother for what she really is.

For those people saying that you relied on her too much and were happy to accept her support in the first place, I think it is important to recognise that when you are raised by a narcissist, they don't raise you like most children. They make sure you are always dependent. That is what they need. It starts early and progresses into adult life and you don't even realise how weird and messed up it is. How can you stand on your own two feet when you have never been taught how? How can you decide what's best for you when you are made to feel like you are incapable of making your own decisions?

I'm sure it is difficult for many people to understand the damage a narcissistic parent can do to someone, but that is not the OP's fault. Having NC is absolutely for the best. Your mother has done nothing to warrant contact with you, everything she has done has been for her own motives, not to help you (although that is of course what she'll be telling everyone). It is also really hard when a sibling is not the focus of these narcissistic behaviour. My brother is put on a pedestal by my mum as are my two boys. She just doesn't like women very much, so I have taken the brunt of my mum's manipulation, game playing and criticism. I can only see this now with the help of professionals and the work needed to put me fully back together is going to be long. After all, all I know is how to be manipulated and mistreated. None of this is your fault. You trusted your parent as you should be able to. She lies and manipulates for her benefit, not yours. There is nothing that you have done to deserve this treatment. You are the unfortunate victim that she chose. I really hope that with time you will heal and live a confident and happy life. Big hugs.

OP - just go NC with your mommyy dearest. She loves the money - not you. There is a chance you may have a legal right to the capital if you have legal documents from the court hearing confirming what had been agreed but is it really worth the battle?

My mum has millions in the bank but no loev from me. I value kindness and honesty which she does not posess. I have made my way in life very well without her - as will you.

Are you close to your sister? Do you have aunts/uncles/cousins/friends?

I agree that you should go NC.

She is abusive, it sounds as though you are the scape goat. But she is also abusing your children.

Having her toxicity hanging over you, will continue to poison you, just cut her out of your life for good.

I think I'd really hear both sides of the story to come to any conclusions.

I'm struggling to marry up a cruel, grabbing mother with one who gave (lent?) her DD £25K plus £15K to buy off ex, plus repeatedly paid off the debts her DD racked up.

I'm also struggling to understand why someone would feel entitled to the equity in a property that was in someone else's name, that someone else had paid the deposit for, and that someone else has paid the mortgage for the majority of the time. I could see why OP might think she was entitled to a share to reflect the proportion of the deposit she's personally paid and the years mortgage payments she personally paid, based on the value of the property at the point it was signed over to her mother (minus the equity payable to the ex).

I'm sure there's more to this story.

I think your mother sold the house to hurt you or punish you. I also think that you are never going to have a happy ending here, there just isn't the possibility of a close, honest and loving relationship. Write it off.

I have been NC with my parents for a year now and I am able to feel much more kindly towards them. I can accept that I love them, even. But I have realised that I am only able to do this because I have no contact with them. As soon as contact resumes (from past experience) I am reminded of every cruel, spiteful and controlling thing they have ever done to me and the cycle resumes. I am putting my parents firmly in my past and the cycle of their abuse is broken.

mrsm43s, the 'more' is narcissism. If you read a forum/book/whatever on N parents & the problems they cause, you'll understand the position much better.

Without doing that, you'll simply be projecting normality onto a situation which is anything but normal.

Just go NC OP and don't let any of your children have contact with her either

The favouritism of your sister, the insults she's thrown at your son, the money she's apparently pocketed at your expense, and (and this would be the clincher for me - the thing that told me that it wasn't just moodiness, or the menopause, or dislike of your ex that made her so shitty towards you) her refusal to let you use a length of material which she had had lying around in the house, unused, for years - keep her out of your life - she's toxic - to you, and to your children.

Without her undermining presence you might have been able to pull yourself round long ago. You say she has given you money - but it seems that there were always strings attached. It isn't worth it. Trust me on this, it really isn't worth it.

Never let yurself be beholden to someone like this.

Yeah you got stitched up. She did give you the deposit but she took way more in equity when she took the house back.

She also told your dh we’re your refuge was. That’s disgusting.

I’d never speak to her again.

when you are raised by a narcissist, they don't raise you like most children. They make sure you are always dependent. That is what they need. It starts early and progresses into adult life and you don't even realise how weird and messed up it is.

Spot on!

Your mother sounds evil. I would never see or speak to her again. Maybe see a therapist to talk it through and a solicitor to check there is nothing else you can do. Good luck!

Just stay NC from her. Don't let your children see her if they aren't allowed to sleep in proper beds with the same linens as others in the house. They will be better off not being around her. Don't let them be treated as 'less than' like she treated you.

I would forget all about the house. Carry on rebuilding your life and be happy. Any relationship with her will destroy what you have rebuilt.

Stop being naive. She knew exactly what she was doing when she got you to sign over your house then kicked you out. Forget it now. Your sanity and your happiness with your DC is all that now matters. Leave her in he past where she belongs.

I am so sorry you have had such a shit mother.

Some solicitors offer a free half hour initial consultation

This sounds like more than 30 minutes to untangle the story :/ !

The refuge staff told you she was abusive - they don’t throw a term like that around lightly. Domestic abuse occurs not only within intimate partnerships - some parents have abused their young and adult children terribly. Leave her and her controlling ways behind you / she will keep trying to reel you back in so be ready for that but grab the freedom that you have won for yourself.

she downgraded the mortgage from a repayment to an interest only which meant she got about £700 a month profit for 5 years

Why would that be profit? Surely that just means the mortgage Isn’t being paid off and the aMounts not being paid off have to be paid when the mother redeems the mortgage on sale?

< missed point of thread >

Go non contact now! No more bullshit from her. My mum is a narcissist. She s now 90 and as nasty now as she s ever been. Stop waiting for her to come good. She won’t. Look to the future. Make sure she s not a part of it. Wishing you luck