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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Underage drinking

31 replies

PurpleThistles84 · 21/02/2020 09:23

Posting here for traffic. My 13 year old daughter confessed to me a couple of weeks ago that she had been drinking when having sleepovers at her friends. Vodka and rum. Through questioning her, I found out her father (we are divorced) had let her get so drunk she threw up, at his sisters wedding. She drank gin and tonic, rum, red wine and Prosecco. She maintains she had not drank since before the wedding.

We had long conversations about alcohol, the various risks and obviously that she is not legally old enough to drink.

Just two days ago she asked to have a sleepover at a different friends house. I wasn’t keen but spoke to the mother of the other child, made sure I had all contact details and made it clear that there was to be no alcohol.

Long story short, the next day I checked her phone and found out she and this friend had been drinking dragon soop of all things, bought for them by this friends 18 year old sister.

Obviously I was furious and she has been told it will be a long time until she is trusted to have sleepovers in the future and as I can’t trust her father not to let her have sleepovers in his care she will not be going to his for the foreseeable either (I have residency) but I really am not sure what to do about her drinking, I can’t lock her up and monitor her every move, and would like advice from other parents that have been in this situation.

Just for further background, my daughter has had a fair amount of trauma in her life which she has had counselling for at the time of events taking place but I am going to refer her for further counselling as she is now a teen and so more able to understand the things that have happened to her. I feel she is much more at risk of dangerous behaviours because of these things. Any advice would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
Riddleofthesands · 21/02/2020 09:30

I have a 13 DD too and you have my sympathy. You are absolutely right to be all over this and put an end to the sleepovers (or just have friends at your house). Drinking at this age is just not acceptable. It is brilliant your daughter told you, maybe she feels pressured by her friends and now wants to go back to a more safe child like life and needs you to help with that. Throwing up and losing control from alcohol must have been frightening for her. Good luck and yes be all over this.

Original poster
PurpleThistles84 · 21/02/2020 10:55

Thank you. I know teenagers do these kind of things, I did myself and I know if a teenager wants to drink, they will find a way regardless of what a parent does. If I can’t stop her from drinking then at the very least I want her to be fully aware of the risks. It’s hard not to over react because I come from a family that struggles with alcoholism, I don’t drink at all myself.

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 21/02/2020 10:57

I would be telling the dm her dd provided alcohol... Sleepovers at your home only.

Pardonwhat · 21/02/2020 11:08

I usually come on to threads like this waving the flag for more liberal attitudes to teenagers being able to experiment with alcohol.
But Christ - I’d be fuming with her and those enabling her. Allowing a glass of WKD on a special occasion or a small weak wine with a nice dinner - great. But this is above and beyond.
No more sleepovers until she can prove to be trustworthy.
Have you confronted the parent or the elder sister?

Original poster
PurpleThistles84 · 21/02/2020 11:12

I have informed the DM in particular because dragon soop is dangerous to drink, especially for underagers with the caffeine content more than that of a double espresso. She has not got back to me as yet.

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 21/02/2020 11:18

My dd now 13 has been refused going to such nights op. She readily accepted that in her opinion these dm's don't care as much about their dc as they should - risking the damage alcohol causes to under age drinkers. She happily told the girls why she wasn't going.. Still a very popular girl!
Ensure your dd knows having fun doesn't need to include getting drunk! Have fun sleepovers for her! Our new thing is a sweet shop that delivers! All the rage here!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/02/2020 11:20

Definitely curb the sleepovers. Not sure about the stopping her staying at her dads though. That would very much depend on how it happened. Did he buy her the drinks? Was she sat with elder cousins that might if got her the drinks. The prosecco was probably the toast so a small glass wod probably have been ok. At 13 and at a family wedding I wouldn't expect her Dad to be watching her like you would with a younger child so can see it would be easy for her to drink without him realising. If however he was buying her the drinks thats different.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/02/2020 11:22

Yes, curb the sleepovers.

I did start drinking alcohol at 13 with friends but it was a couple of WKD/Smirnoff ices, certainly not spirits and wine. Incredibly irresponsible parenting from her dad.

WinterCat · 21/02/2020 11:31

I remember as a teenager being one of the few who didn’t routinely go out to get drunk and lie about it to my parents. The reason being that I was allowed to drink in moderation at home (remember that at home it isn’t underage as long as the child is 5 years or over). I think 13 is young to be getting drunk but I’d want to figure out the balance of not being too against alcohol in order to prevent binges behind my back. I agree with stopping sleepovers though.

Original poster
PurpleThistles84 · 21/02/2020 11:33

Unfortunate their father has a long history of irresponsible parenting which is why I was granted residency. At the wedding he not only provided the alcohol, he himself got very drunk. He also told my daughters (her elder sister was there too) not to tell me, so encouraged them to keep things from me.

My intention was always to introduce my children to alcohol very gradually with my supervision once they reached an appropriate age, however their father took that decision away from me. As far as I am concerned I would rather my daughter didn’t drink but if she will regardless of what I do, I would rather it was in my presence in the form of very low alcohol alcopops.

OP posts:
WatcherintheRye · 21/02/2020 11:41

Although I agree with your horrified reaction, to be accurate, it isn't illegal for her to drink. Apparently it ceases to be illegal for children to be given alcohol at home or on private premises when they are 5, can you believe? Illegal to sell alcohol to or buy specifically for minors, though. Very grey area which should be tightened up, maybe.

WatcherintheRye · 21/02/2020 11:48

Actually, not even illegal to buy, thinking about it. The onus is on the sellers to make sure they don't sell to minors or to adults purchasing for minors.

Mrsjayy · 21/02/2020 11:55

Drinking so much at 13 can be fatal i know I am going to the worse case scenario but it really can kids think they are invincible you are right to be all over this. I am convinced dragon soup was invented to deceive parents it looks like a can of energy drink but it blows their head off!

CorianderLord · 21/02/2020 11:55

I would agree with what you've done and with more counselling. I began heavily drinking at that age to fill a gap and I'm still not fully ok with alcohol as an adult.

Whynosnowyet · 21/02/2020 11:57

As a party host it is illegal to provide alcohol to a minor without parental permission. Nov 2011 law.
Just had a Google!

CorianderLord · 21/02/2020 11:57

And don't give them alcohopops. It teaches them that booze tastes good and doesn't affect them too much.

Give them a gross meat scotch.

Original poster
PurpleThistles84 · 21/02/2020 11:59

I have contacted a counselling service this morning and she is on the waiting list, opted to pay privately as it will be quicker and a lot can happen in the months she could be waiting for funded, so she should get an initial appointment in a couple of weeks. Thanks all, I was a bit worried I would be told I was overreacting.

OP posts:
Goth4moths · 21/02/2020 12:04

Your decision is spot on op! I started drinking with my mates at about 13, a lot of my freinds were 18+, when I told me mum the dynamic changed, she wasn't angry but instead we started having our 'date nights' maybe a glass of wine or alcopop pizza and a film. I learnt to respect alcohol that way and to be honest haven't ever really binged since, turned down night outs for nights in :)

I admit her dad is an arse! You should never get your daughter drunk jesus, but you can turn it around :) not much you can do about the freinds but teaching her what drinks to drink, I loved bailey's etc and they arnt drinks you can binge too sweet, or find something suitable to send her with when she does go to house parties etc (16 aged onwards obviously :))

sashh · 21/02/2020 12:59

You are right to be angry, however I think there is a really important thing to do. Let your dd know that if she is ever drunk and needs you, then you will collect her and discuss it later.

Teenagers think, "Shit mum's going to be angry, I'd better sleep it off on a park bench" or similar, you want her to know that you will always collect her.

I also think you need to discuss why she is drinking, is it peer pressure? Does she like the taste? Does it make her feel good?

Then a discussion of how little it can take to kill or brain damage a teen.

I'm sort of in the camp that you don't let a 5 year old cross a busy road alone, but you make sure they know how to cross a road.

One final thing, let her find out how many calories are in alcohol. A large glass of wine is about the same calories as a burger.

FizzyIce · 21/02/2020 13:25

What is dragon soop? I must be really past it already at 37 Blush

FizzyIce · 21/02/2020 13:26

One final thing, let her find out how many calories are in alcohol. A large glass of wine is about the same calories as a burger.
Omg , do not do that ! That’s terrible

ThunderGarlic · 21/02/2020 14:06

13 is very young for that level of drinking. With alcoholism in the background (same as us) I would be wanting to take a similar approach as you and introduce sensibly and later than this. I would be as mad at what happened too, but at her dad and older sister, not your DD. It's good that she told you.

I started drinking around 15/16, around the same time as most of the teenagers around me. As university students we all drank pretty heavily but this was 17+.

Looking back now with the benefit of hindsight, greater knowledge of how alcohol affects brain function generally, and the fact that teenage brains are still developing, I'm pretty horrified by what we were knocking back at that age. I think if I'd known then what I know now, I would have been teetotal until my early 20s...

(Goes off to find pictures of alarming MRIs to wave at own DC...)

halcyondays · 21/02/2020 14:15

I don’t know what dragon scoop is either. I must be old and out of touch.

What was her dad thinking?

Reginabambina · 21/02/2020 14:20

Age is irrelevant. No one should be drinking like that. I drank heavily in my youth but even I wouldn’t have done that. If you can’t trust her not to binge drink then you should exercise the control that you have over her and educate her about the dangers of drinking and what to do when she or someone with her has had too much (stomach pumping, sleeping on side, not mixing different types of alcohol, drinks spiking, drink driving, drunkenness and rape etc).

HelloItsTimeForTea · 21/02/2020 14:23

I drank alcohol at 13 in the park with my friends! I also smoked cannabis and generally was up to mischief! My mum had no idea!

I'm 40 now, married, have a PhD and a good job.

Your daughter is just being 13! It's good that you r at least aware. Keep implementing the boundaries and being there for her.

Flowers