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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset I wasn’t told?

33 replies

MayDayHelp · 20/02/2020 22:12

Just in case...the daily mail is a steaming pile of horse shit.

I found out today that my DF has remarried. Via WhatsApp. I’m shocked and quite upset. I was notified in a group conversation along with my siblings and cousins.

I know it’s his day his roolz blah blah blah, but I’m hurt that he has only announced it post-event and not even with a phone call.

Guess I should be happy for him but I’m struggling.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/02/2020 22:14

I’d be pissed off. Why wouldn’t he have told you? Have you disapproved of the engagement?

Crunchymum · 20/02/2020 22:14

Given your lack of info, I am assuming it was an elopement and nobody knew. Not a family wedding you were the only person excluded from?

Whynosnowyet · 20/02/2020 22:14

As a dc my df remarried. Evey dc in the family there except me.
Told me a week later.
Relationship was minimal afer that and nil from my 20's.
Some dps are twats.

CastleCrasher · 20/02/2020 22:14

F as in father, rather than friend? Ouch! Are you usually in contact?

CSIblonde · 20/02/2020 22:15

I'm sorry OP. Was he maybe avoiding a negative reaction off you? Do you get on generally? Or does he have form for being a bit thoughtless? People usually stick to their default pattern behaviour wise.

Crunchymum · 20/02/2020 22:16

Sorry, I see you say you found out same time as your siblings and cousins.

So your DF and his partner eloped?

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 20/02/2020 22:36

They got engaged over 7 years ago, been together maybe 9? Before they met me and my DF were close and talked a lot, but she has been quite successful at slowly driving me and my siblings away. Now we don’t really speak that often, which is sad. My DC hardly know him, but that’s his choice I guess.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 20/02/2020 22:39

I think you’ve answered your own question, they probably didn’t think you’d approve and didn’t want that. Can understand you feeling upset though.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 20/02/2020 22:43

I don’t think it’s that, I mean I’m not mad on her (have never made that obvious and have always been perfectly pleasant towards her) but they didn’t tell anyone, not just me.

OP posts:
Rosspoldarkssaddle · 20/02/2020 23:06

My DF married and did not invite us or.tell us about it. We were kids at the time. I think I would be hurt too. Maybe they did not want the fuss?

phoenixrosehere · 20/02/2020 23:20

They’ve been engaged for 7 years, eloped, and instead of calling everyone individually, they announced it on WhatsApp?

So you weren’t left out since they hadn’t told anyone until now and you’re distant from your father because of her?

I’d give them the benefit of the doubt tbh. Sounds like they just went ahead and got it done without dealing with the fuss and stress of a wedding.

I don’t think it’s that, I mean I’m not mad on her (have never made that obvious and have always been perfectly pleasant towards her) but they didn’t tell anyone, not just me.

You may think it’s not obvious, but maybe your dad and her can tell. Some people can tell the difference if someone is being polite for the sake of it.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 20/02/2020 23:53

Trying not to drip feed but struggling to process this all - he was completely emotionally absent when I was a child resulting in some ‘daddy issues’ for me (which I’ve talked through in counselling). All of my partners have been significantly older. We became closer during/after my parents divorce and then he disappeared again when he met his new now wife.

This just feels like the final kick in the teeth really.

OP posts:
springydaff · 21/02/2020 00:09

He sounds a bit of a dick. Always has been, always will be Sad

That's nothing to do with you, though. He's a dick because he's a dick, he's not a dick because of you.

Crap parents are pants Flowers

CyberNan · 21/02/2020 00:13

so what has the daily mail got to do with this?

SmallChickBilly · 21/02/2020 01:55

It sounds like having him in your life has been more of a negative experience than a positive one for you. Is your relationship worth the heartache?

Maduixa · 21/02/2020 02:15

Is it possible he just didn't consider it a big deal? They've been engaged for ages, presumably living together - maybe he just sees the actual marriage as a formality? I wouldn't look at it as a "kick in the teeth" (something he did deliberately to hurt you) unless you have other reasons to think that. His severely distancing himself from you because of his relationship is shite, though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/02/2020 02:50

It sounds to me as though he didn’t want to parent you. Then you were a substitute wife while he was single. Then he no longer needed you once he had his fiancée. I see you are blaming her. Perhaps she didn’t help. But parents, who want to stay connected to their children generally would not accept this.

eeehbyegum · 21/02/2020 03:36

I’m very sorry for you. He and she are an arse.

Horrible to be blindsided like that. He’s your dad and you should expect to know significant info. :(

LorenzoStDubois · 21/02/2020 04:11

Just because he's a father, doesn't mean he's not a colossal twat.
I'd leave them to it.
They both sounds like knobs.

he needn't come knocking when he's looking to dodge the nursing home in later years either.

Toomanygerbils · 21/02/2020 04:48

He didn’t elope then, he just decided he didn’t want you there. I’m sorry it’s hurt your feelings but his wedding is about him and his wife. Regardless what’s gone on between you he wanted a happy day and having you there wasn’t that :(

Toomanygerbils · 21/02/2020 04:50

Would you have helped make it a happy day in reality Op???

Plump82 · 21/02/2020 05:01

I think this is more about how he patented you than him getting married and not telling you. Anyone's entitled to do that. Especially when they've been together so long

ButtonandPickle19 · 21/02/2020 05:11

Getting married in secret is ok, I think it’s the WhatsApp message after I think is awful. He should have called you. You said he wasn’t there emotionally, maybe that part of his thinking is a little thoughtless

Weffiepops · 21/02/2020 05:17

Sorry op, my dads wife has done the same. They had a family wedding but us kids weren't invited. She's slowly pushed us out, we didn't get so much as a Christmas card or happy new year text from dad as she's done such a good job of getting rid of us. Thanks

GiveHerHellFromUs · 21/02/2020 05:21

I don't think this would bother me. My DF and SM (not yet married) have been together 20 years and have often said they want to just get married at a registry office with a couple of witnesses. I'd be happy for them to do so and send a group WhatsApp afterwards.

Your dad sounds pretty useless anyway so your situation is different. But if they told you they were getting married everyone would start saying they want to go and it all of a sudden becomes much more stressful, when they're probably doing it for legal reasons and much as anything else, and don't actually care about the ceremony

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