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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In just ending the friendship...

52 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut20 · 20/02/2020 19:21

Background - I have been friends with L for years. Since high school so 14 years now. We have always been there for each other, and normally inseparable until she met M 8 months ago.

First time meeting him, there was something I wasn't keen on, but L seemed happy. But as time went on he began treating her like shit cheating on her, disappearing for days on end on drug binges using her bank card, controlling etc.
I always found him quite a creep round me, making smutty comments and being flirty.
For some reason she always takes him back, I seem to be the only friend who has stuck by her, not through his lack of trying though.

Fast forward to now, I was round at L and he was there. L had popped shop, As I was exiting the bathroom upstairs he's tried too kiss me, I've shoved him away and headed towards the stairs where he's slapped my arse.

I've asked him what the fuck he's playing it. A massive argument ensued and in not so many words he told me L would never believe me over him, so we could start something and L would never find out and he knows I've wanted him for a long time.

Deep down I know he's right. She probably would believe me, but stick by his side. Apart of me is torn because she knows what he is like and has stuck by his side. She has cut a lot of friends and family out because of him. I honestly believe she would cut me out. But I honestly don't believe I can go round there with him living there.

She already knows something's wrong because she's text why did I leave so suddenly and is everything ok. I've had to calm my DH down from going round and confronting him.

AIBU in thinking ending the friendship is the easiest option?

OP posts:

Whataboutthismess · 20/02/2020 19:23

She is clearly in an abusive relationship. I can see why you would want to end the friendship but maybe try and leave the door open for her as she may need an escape route at some stage.

HotDogGuy · 20/02/2020 19:27

Dumping her as a friend because you don’t want to tell her the truth seems a bit shitty to me. I’ve had this situation and telling my friend that her OH hit on me was so hard but she was my friend and I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t tell her. Although she believed me she forgave him. It took her another year or so to get rid. Our friendship has remained.
If she decides not to believe you then that’s on her and you can end the friendship. But I would be open the resuming the friendship as she may need you in the future. He sounds like an abusive twat that is trying to isolate her.

MatildaTheCat · 20/02/2020 19:30

Tell her. If she doesn’t want to hear it or see you then wait for her. She’s done nothing wrong.

Hidingtonothing · 20/02/2020 19:32

I'd just be really straight with her, tell her what happened and that you will always be there for her but can no longer be around him. The ball is in her court then and you're probably right that she will side with him for now but it leaves the door open for when he does something she can't explain away and she finally wakes up.

Not telling her is not an option imo because it gives that sleazy creep some leverage/power over you, a secret between you and him which you definitely don't want. Look after yourself first and foremost, you can still be there for her if/when she's ready to accept what he is. Sorry that happened to you OP

DisplayPurposesOnly · 20/02/2020 19:33

Dont 'end' it - offer support but with distance from M. She's in an abusive relationship, she needs support (and to leave obviously but she'll have to come to that in her own time).

"I left because M tried to kiss me, touched my arse and suggested he and i have an affair. I'm sorry to tell you that but it's not the first time he's tried it on.

I cant be around him any more. You and i have known each other forever, and i hope you know how much i value you and our friendship. I want that to continue, so please let's meet without him in future."

couchparsnip · 20/02/2020 19:33

You have to tell her why you left abruptly. It won't be easy but if you value her friendship you know you have to.

PepsiLola · 20/02/2020 19:35

Tell her what happened.

Tell her word for word what her partner said to you about her not believing you.

Tell her you will support her but for as long as she is in a relationship with him you don't want to be around him

thickwoollytights · 20/02/2020 19:35

AIBU in thinking ending the friendship is the easiest option?

It's the easiest option for YOU.

Doesn't L deserve more than a friend who takes the easiest option?

PepsiLola · 20/02/2020 19:36

You're better than me! I would have sent my husband round there!

loveyoutothemoon · 20/02/2020 19:37

Just tell her. Why would you want to lose her as a friend, she needs you most right now. This might push her to finish with him.

Drum2018 · 20/02/2020 19:41

Tell her and leave it up to her to decide if he's worth more than your friendship.

TheBigFatMermaid · 20/02/2020 19:44

I will say, tell her, stop seeing her while she's with hm but tell her you will be there for her if and when she ends it with him.

Smelborp · 20/02/2020 19:45

I’d report him to the police for assault. I think if you can be her friend still do, but make sure you are never in his company again.

SpencerReidsMistress · 20/02/2020 19:46

I don't blame you for wanting to end the friendship. I think you shouldn't though. I think you should just take a step back a bit until he is out of the picture, which eventually he will be. Then be there for your friend. It's sometimes hard to see what's happening from the inside.

RealBecca · 20/02/2020 19:47

Tell her.

Tell her you think he's abusive because XYZ and you think he's trying to isolate her.

Tell her you don't think she's stupid and the door is always open, even if she chooses to believe him right now (because you know she is a victim at this point) and you'll always be there for ever and she doesnt need to feel embarrassed.

But you'll no longer be around him.

youwereagoodcakeclyde · 20/02/2020 19:49

Tell her what happened, including everything he said. If she chooses him over you, then all you can do (if you are willing) is to be there when it ends (hopefully soon).

Chloemol · 20/02/2020 20:03

Just tell her. And tell her she is welcome at yours but you won’t be going to hers, or go out with her when he is around. I would also try and show her information about abusive relationships. Then leave it to her. You can on,y do s9 much and shouldn’t be putting yourself in his path

WinterCat · 20/02/2020 20:07

I would tell her and I would also report him to the police. If you think you’re going to end your friendship over his behaviour then at least you can let her be the one to decide.

Deliqueen · 20/02/2020 20:16

I'd be honest with her and be clear that you will only see her without him. Don't cut her out of your life as that is what he wants so that she is isolated and thinks she has nowhere to go. You may not see her for a while but when she is ready she will know you are there for her. Good luck.

Khione · 20/02/2020 20:28

If you just drop her without a word I can almost guarantee he will tell her that you made a pass at him and he turned you down and that is why you have disappeared.

He will very likely tell her that anyway but, unless you get in first, she will 100% believe him. You get in first and though she will probably stay with him for now, at least a part of her will know the truth and that she can turn to you when the evidence get overwhelming that it is indeed him who is lying.

Original poster

KungFuPandaWorksOut20 · 20/02/2020 20:37

I agree with what's being said. I honestly feel trapped, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

The only way I honestly see this ending is M winning. I tell her, friendship over. I stop interacting with her, friendship over.

OP posts:

PepsiLola · 20/02/2020 21:35

If you don't tell her the truth, when the time comes and she does dump him, you won't get your friend back.

Be honest now, hopefully eventually they split and she will be your friend again

Smelborp · 20/02/2020 23:01

I’d you feel the friendship is over whichever way you go, then let her know the whole truth. And ideally go to the police and let him face some consequences.

OhCaptain · 20/02/2020 23:08

I'd text her and say you love her and don't want to lose her friendship but that he made a pass at you and you don't want to ever see or speak to him again.
That you hope she can understand that you only want the best for her and she deserved to know. That you will always be there for her and always care about her, and that you'd be happy to continue the friendship just the two of you and with nothing to do with him.

I say text because it will give you the chance to articulate exactly what you want to say and her the chance to process it without any knee jerk reaction on either side.

If she decides to end the friendship then yes that will be shit for you but at least you'll know you were honest and tried to remain a good friend.

Daftodil · 20/02/2020 23:42

If you are considering ending the friendship anyway then you've nothing to lose by telling her. I would tell her, but maybe preface it by saying "in 14 years have I ever lied to you or given you any reason not to trust me?"

I'd tell her sooner rather than later because if M is as manipulative as you think he is, then he could already be planning how to put his own spin on things.

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